With all the controversy surrounding the issue of same-sex adoption, it’s only too easy to lose sight of the real important players in the drama – the children themselves. Alison Bezzina speaks to a family with two mothers and a bunch of happy kids.
Joanne* and Michaela* met just over seven years ago and have been together ever since. “It was love at first sight,” explains Michaela, “but in the beginning I didn’t think we’d ever get this far. It seemed like we were too different to survive a life together, but thankfully I was wrong.”
Joanne (33) and Michaela (40), moved in together within weeks of their first encounter and, a couple of years into their relationship, Michaela adopted Henry* – a nine-month-old boy from Ethiopia.
“We would have loved to have adopted him together,” explains Michaela, who is the legal parent on paper, “but just like today, at the time, it wasn’t legally possible.”
As things stand there can only be one name on the application form, and Michaela had to apply as though she was single. It was the only way that she would be considered to adopt, so for a while, throughout the adoption process, she pretended that Joanne did not exist.
“The truth is that I never would have managed without Joanne,” adds Michaela, “because she has much more experience with children than I do.” Joanne has two biological children of her own. The eldest is 17 and the youngest 11.
The day that I will be able to legally adopt him will be the first day in the past six years that I’ll be able to sleep well
“Our life together is like that of every other family,” she explains. “They are all our children and we treat them and each other, as such. Unfortunately however, when it comes to the law, it’s a completely different story, because I cannot legally adopt Henry, and I’m therefore not legally recognised as his other parent.”
Henry* is now 5 years old. He’s an enthusiastic little boy with enough energy to power the nation, and though his skin colour is different to that of his parents’ and Joanne’s other children, as far as he’s concerned they are as natural a family as any other.
“There’s no question about that,” explains Michaela. When we brought Henry home from the orphanage, Joanne’s children welcomed him with open arms, and they never questioned whether he’s their real brother or not. They’ve all grown up together, and we know for a fact that they wouldn’t have it any other way.”
While Joanne and Michaela are pretty open about their relationship with each other, they feel that when it comes to the children they still need to be careful.
“We don’t like secrets, and we don’t think we’re doing anything wrong. Anyone who knows us can see that we’re a normal family with ups and downs, problems, joys, messy hands and sticky walls, so we don’t see why we should hide from the world, but unfortunately there are still people out there who will frown upon us, and while we can accept their disapproval, we’re afraid that it will hurt the children.”
“It’s a bit of a vicious circle,” explains Joanne. “Whenever we meet people for the first time, and we introduce our family to them, they are slightly shocked or taken aback, but within a few minutes or a few meetings, they are totally accepting and don’t look at us or treat us any differently. So yes, we know that by showing our faces we would be helping the cause, but for the time being, protecting the children is our priority.”
According to Joanne, those who disapprove of their lifestyle are few and far between. “When I first came out it was different than when Joanne came out,” explains Michaela. “I had a much harder time being accepted, especially by some of the closest people to me. People were by far more closed-minded at the time, but now, thanks to other couples and gay people who proudly show their face and raise awareness, things are much better.
“Because of the children, we can’t afford to show our faces, so we truly depend on politicians,” says Michaela. “We need the open-minded ones to stick their neck out and do the right thing. I hope that with the new legislation that is being proposed Joanne will be able to legally adopt Henry so that if something had to ever happen to me, she’d be able to keep the family together, and to keep raising him the way we always wanted to.”
“As things stand,” adds Joanne sadly, “even though I’ve been bringing Henry up from day one, if something had to happen to Michaela he could be taken away from me. I could fight for him in court, and though we’ve written a will to protect us against that eventuality, we’ve been advised that there’s no knowing what a court will decide. The risk of losing him still exists. The day that I will be able to legally adopt him will be the first day in the past six years that I’ll be able to sleep well.”
While Henry was practically born into Joanne’s and Michaela’s relationship, Joanne’s other children were older when their mother entered a relationship with another woman. “When I first met Michaela, my daughter was three years old, and my son was already 10,” says Joanne. “At first we worried about how they would take it, because prior to that time they had always seen me with a man. It turned out that we were worried for nothing really, because the children adapted quicker than most of the adults we told.”
“Michaela used to read Tarzan’s story to my daughter. This helped explain that even though one might not be a biological parent, they could still love you completely.
Because of the children, we can’t afford to show our faces, so we truly depend on the politicians
“Eventually, when she was about eight or nine years old, my daughter’s friends were asking her questions about our situation and she came home and asked us directly whether we were gay and in a relationship. We were obviously very honest with her, but at first she decided to try to hide the truth from her friends.
“We then took her to a psychologist who helped her understand that there are different types of families in the world and that she had nothing to be ashamed of. This helped her cope and gave her the tools to answer her friends’ questions effectively.”
Today she’s totally fine with the situation, and is very enthusiastic at the possibility that if the new legislation goes through her two mummies could get married. When we told her that we’d like to get married, the first thing she asked was whether she could be legally adopted by Michaela, which proves just how important legal recognition is, even for children.”
“Henry never asked why he has two mummies and no daddy,” says Michaela. “It’s the only reality he knows, and because at his school there are children in his same situation, he’s never felt that he’s different. He’s more interested in where he came from and his adoption story. On father’s day we tell him to give a card to anyone he wants, and he usually gives it to one of his uncles, depending on which one he feels closest to at that time – a practice that is also supported by the school.”
Joanne’s eldest son Mark* is now almost 18. When Joanne first introduced him to Michaela, he was 11, so he picked up on the romantic vibes quite quickly. Very soon he started questioning the relationship and wanted to know if his mother was gay.
“At first he said that if we were gay, he’d never speak to me again,” says Joanne with a giggle. “I figured that he was still young so I gave him some time to adapt whilst I evaded the question, but after a few months Mark had grown so fond of Michaela that he had no issue with the situation anymore.”
“I don’t remember saying that,” protests Mark, who is now a young man with steady a relationship of his own. “How could I have said that I’d never speak to you again?” he demands.
Joanne smiles and pats him on the back in consolation, but Mark is not having any of it. “Mum, seriously,” he exclaims, “I don’t remember ever saying that; it cannot be. I love Michaela,” he adds as he snuggles up for a hug. “I can’t believe I was so silly.”
*names have been changed