As more and more couples choose not to have children, Jo Caruana asks whether childfree is really the carefree option some think it is.
Some couples don’t want children. Fact. And, according to international statistics, around 20 per cent of couples across the globe now take the decision not to have children.
As a reflection, more and more childfree options are taking off across the globe. For instance, two of the world’s biggest airlines have introduced childfree zones for passengers willing to pay extra, while many restaurants are clear about their adult only policy that ensures their diners aren’t irked by a wailing baby over their amuse-bouche.
Martin and Amber Cilia* have chosen to remain childfree, but they don’t make a song and dance about it. “It still seems to be the final taboo, and people – even friends – often look at us with pity in their eyes because they know we don’t have children,” explains Amber, who works long hours for a large law firm.
“Some think it’s because we have fertility problems but we don’t – or at least we don’t think we do. We’re just happyas we are, and very fulfilled by each other, our families and our careers.”
Martin and Amber know that their decision doesn’t go down very well with everybody. As a concept, going childfree has sparked certain degrees of outrage and caused panic that our ageing population won’t be sustainable if everyone stops procreating.
“I understand that some people see it that way but we don’t,” says Martin, who also works long hours and enjoys a busy lifestyle with hobbies and social events.
“Amber and I love our lifestyle just the way it is. Of course, we have talked about the future in great detail, and we have considered the consequences, but we don’t want to feel bullied into having children just because we might need them to support us in our old age.
“We would rather take responsibility for ourselves and save enough money to ensure we can be well-looked after on our own terms. Children aren’t a guarantee that you won’t be lonely or neglected as you get older, and I wish people would stop assuming that it is.”
As for whether they miss the presence of children in their lives, the couple admit they are lucky to have close relationships with their nieces and nephews.
“Martin and I both come from large families and, in a way, I suppose that took the pressure off us a little. I do occasionally wonder if we’d have felt differently if we didn’t have any children in our lives.
“As it stands, we love being auntie and uncle to 10 children between us, of all ages. We take them out on the weekends, spoil them and spend hours chatting to them in ways their parents probably don’t have time for. We both feel very lucky to have the option available to us and really do make the most of it. But, at the end of the day, we’re still happy to return home, leave any child-related responsibilities at the door, and just enjoy the lifestyle we have always treasured. We honestly don’t have any regrets at all.”
On the flip side of the coin, some people may feel pressured into having children – and Lisa Triganza* admits to being one of them. For six years, she and her husband were happily married. Having discussed the idea of starting a family years before, they had both agreed they would rather remain childfree, content with their busy social lives and regular long-distance travels.
We’re still happy to return home, leave any child-related responsibilities at the door, and just enjoy the lifestyle we have always treasured
But, as their mid-30s passed them by, Lisa felt the pressure to have children and it became hard to ignore.
“As an only child I could see that my parents were desperate for grandchildren. While they didn’t come right out and say it in so many words, they dropped hints that started to get to me. Paul’s* family were the same. Meanwhile, our friends all had families of their own and we started to feel like outcasts because we didn’t turn up with a buggy or have to leave early to get home to the babysitter. It felt like we were missing out.”
With increasingly negative thoughts running through her head, Lisa, then 38, found herself desperate for a baby.
“My fears became almost irrational and it was all I could think about,” she says. “Looking back I know the pressure got to me more than it did to Paul, and I must have been a nightmare to live with. Eventually he caved too and we decided to try for a baby. When it didn’t happen naturally we moved on to IVF and, on our third round, were successful.”
It was the supposedly happy ending that Lisa had been dreaming of, and she gave birth to a daughter five years ago. At first, she and Paul made it work and slotted into the roles of doting parents, but soon the cracks began to show.
“Paul never quite made peace with the idea that his life had changed forever, that he was a dad now and things couldn’t be the same as they were before. He started to resent me pretty quickly as our blissful life of long evenings out, glasses of wine on the sofa and last minute travels became a distant memory. He loved our daughter, of course, but he just couldn’t seem to settle.”
Now, in an admission that is considered to be the final taboo by so many people around the world, Lisa admits having a child may not have been the best decision for her or her husband.
“Our relationship broke down when our daughter was a toddler and Paul moved out. He sees her regularly, but I am her main carer. It’s easier now she’s growing up, but I still feel trapped in this situation. Of course I adore her – we both do – and I couldn’t imagine my life without her. But I do sometimes wish things had been different, and that I had listened to my gut instinct and not to the many voices around me.
“Generally, I keep my thoughts to myself for fear of upsetting my daughter or my family, and I just get on with being a mum. But if I could turn back to clock – and if I could offer advice to other couples – I would suggest they think long and hard about the huge impact children will have on their lives.
“I believe it is okay to be childfree today, and only you can truly know what is right for you and your partner.”
*Names have been changed
Is the decision too tough to take?
Are you and your partner on the fence about whether you want to start a family or not? Don’t feel pressured either way. Just because most couples choose to have children, doesn’t mean you have to follow suit. If you have serious doubts or differing opinions, seek help. A professional will be able to offer you the support and guidance you need to make a decision that is right for both of you.