The menu is set, the outfit is ready and you’ve even snagged a date for dinner. Only one thing is missing, the perfect soundtrack – and Ramona Depares is at hand with a tailor-made list.

The really smooth operators know that hosting a classy Valentine’s Day dinner is not just about the obvious – that’s food and drink, if you’re that clueless – but also about the little things that make all the difference.

One such not-so-little thing that could actually spell disaster if you get it wrong is the playlist. Yes, music is necessary. Who was it that said “if music be the food of love, play on?” Play on you should, just make sure that what you’re feeding your intended is not the equivalent of yoghurt for the lactose-intolerant.

Creating the right playlist is peanuts, really. Just check what your date typically listens to and then come up with a list of similar artists. This is called being creative. However, this doesn’t work if your intended has the bad taste to listen purely to MTV-driven drivel. The last thing you want is to have to submit to the likes of Taylor Swift or Bruno Mars.

If you happen upon a date with no taste in music whatsoever, cultivate some taste into her/him. Here, I get you started on the right road with four potential personalities or situations matched to the right track. It won’t take you too long to get the hang and build on it.

And if your date doesn’t appreciate your good taste, well then maybe it’s time you reconsider your life choices, isn’t it?

For the bohemian queen (or king David Bowie, Rebel, Rebel

There’s always space for David Bowie on every kind of playlist. Legends, after all, don’t need context. They create their own. Whether you opt for the classic Space Oddity, the gender-bending The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust, or the glam Diamond Dogs, as long as it’s Bowie your reputation is assured.

I, personally, find Rebel, Rebel to be the perfect track for those who don’t lead lives that are quite ‘in the box’. This track works because it ticks all the requirements. It brings the grooves to the table – if you put it on right after coffee, there’s a good chance that you two will turn the living room into an impromptu dance-floor. There’s Bowie’s yummy voice, of course, and then there are the lyrics: “Rebel rebel, how could they know? Hot tramp, I love you so!”

Seriously, how can your date not fall in love?

For the player: Magnetic Fields, Papa Was a Rodeo

So you’ve secured the ultimate commitment phobe – also known as a player – for dinner on the night. Now, this is already no mean feat, as the one night a player won’t be caught dead on a date on is precisely that of St Valentine’s. After all, agreeing to spend this particular night with ‘someone’ necessarily implies an amount of fore-planning. And, as we all know, fore-planning seals the deal: the relationship is now official.

The question at this point is, how do you make sure that you don’t mess it all up and send said player scarpering off in fright. The first step is to not make too big a deal of it. Prepare dinner, by all means – though if you order pizza in you’re more likely to impress. After all, you don’t want to look as though you made too much effort.

No matter how pretend-casual you’re acting, a good soundtrack is still needed. Enter The Magnetic Fields. Their indie-pop sound is not too heavy and makes for easy listening, all the better to complement the decibels of a conversation.

One particular album – 69 Love Songs – was probably conceived with just this kind of evening in mind. Despite the title (and don’t let your guest see it, lest the wrong idea is delivered) it is quirky, fun and enchanting. Certainly never soppy.

When Track Number 17 from Volume 2 comes on, make sure you turn the volume up. Papa Was a Rodeo tells a man meets woman story with a difference. The lady is the ultimate commitment phobe, leaving early in the morning and all that jazz. The message is pretty clear: this one’s “never stuck around long enough for a one night stand”.

The twist comes when it turns out that the mister in the equation is yet another commitment phobe. Of course, this doesn’t stop the two from having the “romance of the century”... 55 years later, if you please. So much for all those empty promises of a fast getaway come the next morning.

Charming stuff, particularly if you nonchalantly swirl your wine and talk about your upcoming sabbatical in Thailand while you’re listening to it.

For the teens stuck in a Romeo & Juliet scenario: The Decemberists

There isn’t much chance that the teens described in this header will actually be reading this. No, they are probably too busy trying to figure out how to stop their nosy Aunt Carmen from letting their parents know they’re seeing that so’n’so hussy from down the road.

But, should they manage to evade the attentions of Aunt Carmen for long enough to set up a romantic dinner – well, a burger take-out at least, the stipend doesn’t tend to cover fancy stuff – then I recommend a touch of The Decemberists to accompany the prandial bliss. More specifically, We Both Go Down Together from their album Picaresque.

The five-strong band from Portland, Oregon, certainly knew a thing or three about love. Indeed, their love tracks often read like a particularly bad script for a movie – but, because the script is accompanied by extremely good music, it works.

We Both Go Down Together is the tale of Romeo and Juliet, re-invented for today’s world, where a “tattooed tramp... from the labour camps” falls for the son of “wealth and beauty, untouched by work or duty”.

Rather cleverly for a supposed aristo with no brains, the son figures out that there’s no way his parents are going to be okay with this development. There’s only one avenue left open for them – taking a dive off the cliffs of Dover, so that “while the seagulls are crying, we fall but our souls are flying”.

For the after-dinner action: Massive Attack, Inertia Creeps

You’ve done the wooing, she’s (I use she as a way of expediting things) accepted the dinner invitation and there’s only a couple of courses before it’s game, set, match. But seduction, alas, is a fickle mistress. Which means that between the prosecco and the delicate Pavlova you’ve concocted, she may very well change her mind. Or fall asleep.

Not if there is Massive Attack to complement your sparkling conversation, of course. Their whole Mezzanine album will work – that dark, slightly melancholic sound of trip-hop is ace at getting the mood just right, soothing the soul while hinting at mischief .

The definitive track off the album is Inertia Creeps – and it happens to be the fourth track too, which should give you just enough time from the beginning of the CD to get the action moving.