“Psssssssssssst! Wanna buy a passaport. I sell you and I make you good price, ta. You can be Maltese citizen for only (mumble, mumble... euro), you want?
“‘Lissen’, this is genuine fake new Maltese passaport, the same like they sell it to ‘Raxxins’ for €650,000... ‘ezakly’ the same, ta. Only me... jien I sell you same like is it genuine Maltese passaport for only €649,999... you save moneys from it. Is good price, no?
“Come, come over here, so as to be kwiet. Għax we don’t want everybody to know what a good deal I make for you. Inkella every from the foreigners will want it... and I only got a few to sell today. Even when they make quotas from it... don’t worry, ta; by force you will get in, imma only because you got the passaport from me, is it.
“Here, I show you... genuine fake Maltese passaport... Not even the pulis and ‘irrigajxins’ know is it fake. Ara how perfect is it. See it even got a space so as to make you the photo there.
“What you can do with it? Issa I tell you: When you buy Maltese passaport you be Maltese citizen... and everybody know how nice is it to be so, ey! Imbaqd, when you be Maltese citizen they give... free ta, lots of stuff like... when you gone sick, you go to free hospital, they give to you the free medicine... free food... kind of... free lady come ask you how is you... free priest come make you last rites... free bedpan in hospital... everything free. Even, if you not get cured, free slab in morgue.
“And even better from all these things... when you buy Maltese passaport with me, we even let you make the vote from the Parlament. Ażgur! Għax then you is same like one of us, ey. And you can spend rest of your life complain about how useless is government... just like we Maltese do.
“And ‘lissen’, don’t ‘lissen’ when they say you must live in Malta. U le! When you got Maltese passaport you can live wherever you want. Per eżempju... you think if he get it the Maltese citizen Berlusconi want to live in Malta? He just make ‘hisself’ the Maltese so he stay free from jail no! And when he make it the bunga, bunga party he want stay near his girlfriends fil-Roma jew Milan... miskin Silvio.
When you buy Maltese passaport with me, we even let you make the vote from the Parlament
“Even you can be like the ‘Raxxins’, the Colombian drug ‘barins’... even the Mexican ones – and you can be like the Sicilian Mafiosi, the Napli Camorra and the Chinese triads if you get it the Maltese citizen. And who wouldn’t want to be like them, ey.
“And ‘lissen’... it’s not true when they say you that you must buy an expensive property in Malta jew Gozo. If you want you can stay with my sister... she got a big house with eight bedrooms. OK, some she let out by the hour, but she always got plenty space for some peoples like you is.
“And don’t take notice from those what say no more you can be amon – animi – alamon – don’t want to say who you is; għax I am Maltese and I can arrange such things, Even my wife I don’t say her nothing from it. Better... għax she got a big mouth.
“And ‘lissen’, if you want you can make it the citizen – x’ajdulu by the ‘high-air purshis’. You pay just €200,000 down and the rest over two years. Is good, yes?
“No? Xiġifiri no? You mean you don’t want Maltese passaport... even at special cheap price, I make special for you? You make the big mistake ta, għax soon I not got any left għax every rich foreigner she want be Maltese.
“OK, OK, so you no want Maltese passaport... arra... you want dirty DVD, sexy app for iphone? Filthy postcards? I make you cheap price and I show you, look...