I really hesitate to do a Scrooge on you all, but amid all the chocolates and mince pies there recently nestled a report by the University of Malta. The report centred around the performance of students in the written section of the English language Secondary Education Certificate exams.
As you can guess, given that I’m devoting my Boxing Day whine up to the topic, the report is pretty damning. In fact, it’s pretty much an indictment of the current crop of students. You can enjoy the report in all its glory here: www.um.edu.mt/__data/assets/pdf_file/0016/203092/SECENGLANG.pdf.
The examinees’ academic performance is worrying enough. What is even more worrying, however, is the root of said spectacularly dismal performance. A good number of the faults quoted by the examiners show not only a poor mastery of language, but also an unbelievable lack of emotional I.Q. Behold, some of the funniest examples from the narrative section:
My quick thinking saved us all: Apparently the most dire emergency scenario a number of students could come up with was the threat of a ruined party due to lack of venue. The quick thinking? Finding an alternative venue, duh. Umm, priorities anyone? If, at circa 15 years of age, you still believe that the worst thing that can happen to you is missing out on a party...boy are you in for a rude awakening.
Describe the feeling caused by witnessing damage caused by a storm: You’d think this one would be a no-brainer, but no. Echoing the standard Maltese gemgem, most students instead focused on “blaming” and “threatening” the local council. Yup, looks like the tradition of blaming everyone else when something goes wrong is surviving through the generations.
Describe why you should be chosen for a particular job: The answers were littered with phrases like “I’m a cat on hot bricks”; “I’m as bold as brass”; “I am in the seventh heaven to hear from you” (sic) and other, equally-funny examples. In other words, when it comes to wrongly applied clichés, Maltese students take all the awards. On the other hand, when it comes to logical thinking, well, the least said the better. So, let’s try this again. Why should you employ me? Why, because I’m awesome, of course!
And I haven’t even started on the level of spelling, grammer, vocabulary, or even sentences like “We went to Buskett and we played with the ball and then we played Hide and Seek”.
Now where are the rest of my mince pies?