“Darling?”
“What is it, my sweet?”
“I think this year our Christmas party theme should be Charles and Camilla.”
“What?”
“Well we always make it fancy dress, so this year it’ll be Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles.”
“You know what I think about fancy dress.”
“You’re just an old spoilsport. What do you think?”
“About what?”
“About this year’s theme.”
“I’m trying not to. Why can’t we just give a normal drinks party without all that bloody silly dressing up?”
“Because... because wearing fancy dress lets people lose their inhibitions and enjoy themselves more.”
“It increases my inhibitions tenfold.”
“But we’ve had some wonderful fancy dress parties. Remember the one where we asked everybody to come as a cuddly animal?”
“Remember it? I’m still scarred by it.”
“Nonsense; you looked really sweet inside that Kung Fu Panda costume I made for you.”
“Yes... great! Once you’d stitched me into it, it took me four hours to get out of it. And by then I’d lost 18 kilos in sweat.”
“So what do you think of my idea?”
“The Charles and... whatever idea?”
“Mm.”
‘But we’ve had some wonderful fancy dress parties. Remember the one where we asked everybody to come as a cuddly animal?’
“Forget it.”
“Maybe it’d be more fun if the girls came as Charles and the boys dressed up as Camilla.”
“Sweetheart, I love you dearly, but... if you think I’m going to ponce around in a frock at my own party, you’ve got another think coming.”
“You really are an old killjoy.”
“Listen, our usual guest list includes doctors, lawyers, a monsignor, at least one MP and accountants kemm trid. Do you seriously expect them to turn up looking like rather distressed versions of Camilla Parker thingummy?”
“It’s just a bit of fun.”
“Fun? No – thank – you. I’d have more fun in a Russian gulag.”
“But you enjoyed it the year we all dressed up as pirates. I even saw you laughing.”
“Laughter and tears are very similar. I can assure you it was the latter you saw.”
“With your eye patch, peg leg and next door’s parrot on your shoulder, you looked like Long John Silver.”
“Did I?! Well, I felt like a total pillock!”
“Mrs thing next door thought you looked like a real pirate.”
“Well, she should know... she’s married to a banker.”
“Do you remember when we made it a pyjama party?”
“Very clearly. Great idea, considering I haven’t owned a pair of pyjamas since I was a border at St Eds.”
“Cynthia Sturrock Grech turned up in a pair designed by Versace... pretentious cow!”
“Oh, I dunno. You have to admit she does have the arse for pyjamas... unlike some people I could mention.”
“Oh! Who do you mean by that... me I suppose?”
“Look, if you insist on (a Giving a Christmas party and (b Making all our guests dress up in silly costumes, at least choose something more dignified than Charlie and... her... in drag.”
“But that’s the whole point. The sillier we all look the less inhibited we are.”
“With respect, there are quite a few people on your usual guest list that don’t require camouflage to loosen their inhibitions. Remember last year... we couldn’t get into our bedroom till four in the morning because your friend Isabel Tonna Garcon was practising gymnastics on our bed with Freddie from the Yacht Club.”
“Do you remember the time we told everybody to dress up as a character from their favourite movie?”
“How could I ever forget it... afterwards you refused to speak to me four three days.”
“That was because you insulted my best friend Antonella Pace Taliana.”
“I didn’t insult her. She asked me what I thought she’d come as – and I replied the Incredible Hulk, or maybe Dumbo.”
“Exactly; she’s very conscious about her size.”
“She’s every right to be, she’s vast.”
“So it’s settled then... Charles and Camilla it is.”