I am not the perfect candidate to recite the boy’s sermon. Well, that’s pretty obvious. I am on the wrong side of 30, can’t remember whether I suffer from short-term or long-term memory loss, and by midnight, I’m usually whispering sweet nothings to my pillow (albeit a bit loudly, according to my wife).

In reality, what I meant to say was that I am no expert on Christmas matters. Actually, I probably am, since I hold the record for the longest-standing Christmas tree.

It all started five years ago when, under hypnosis from the endless loop of carols on the radio, I bought a 10-foot Christmas tree. One week later – the time it took me to set it up – it was twinkling in the glory of a thousand fairy lights. For all of five minutes – then the lights overheated (the connections were inspired by a chapter from The Guide to Dangerous Electrical Installations) and we were left in darkness.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!- Dr Seuss

And for the following five long years, the tree stood there, like the ghost of Christmas past haunting my living room. I just got around to fixing it last week – and by fixing it, I mean throw away all the fairy lights and declare to the family that this year, we’re going for an eco-friendly Christmas tree.

Somewhere in there, underneath a pile of plastic pine needles, is a moral. But I’m not interested in that. What I really want to know is why, when the first jingling bells fill the air, all forms of technology start breaking down. Just last week, deep in the mood for hot chocolate (with a tot of Christmas liqueur), the electric kettle turned stone cold. And on the same day, as I was adding the final ingredients to the Christmas cake mix, the oven decided to end its young life.

Gifts are especially prone to losing charge. The electric planes, trains and automobiles that I buy my nephews never make it to their destination. The driller I gave my dad never made a hole in one. And while unwrapping the tablet I bought for myself last Christmas (why wrap a gift selfie is beyond me), I dropped it to a shattering finale. And all those little gadgets whose only purpose in life is to act as stocking fillers? As numb as little elves left out in the cold.

Is it a coincidence? I wouldn’t know. The only good thing is that when technology breaks down, we get to boost our Christmas wish list.

techeditor@timesofmalta.com