Not that I'm a Mandarin-speaker or anything, or even that I have any idea if the phrase signifying subservient obeisance to the perceived whims of some foreigner or other is Chinese in the first place, but it's pretty much what the Chinese are making Western politicians do, such is the former's financial allure for the latter.

Presently in China are Boris Johnson and George Osborne, Mayor of London and Chancellor respectively. They're not there on a joint-delegation but are having to share the stage because it has been so decreed by their hosts. He who slips the piper a couple of shekels decides what comes out of the pipe, so Boris and George have to play nice with each other.

If Big Beasts such as these two have to jig and twirl in time to the tune called by their hosts, can you imagine the extent to which such antics will have to be performed willy-nilly by politicians of countries even less consequential than the United Kingdom? Yes, it is to our own politicians that I'm referring, the ones who are so thrilled because they've had a phone call from Bambi Blair that we get a souvenir pic to keep for ever.

The Chinese are such prized candidates for the position of BBF that even the insular Brits have relaxed their border controls to let them in without any real formality. As long as they're coming from a Schengen country, they don't need a separate visa, which must be causing that twerp Farage conniptions. We're only talking about holiday stays, of course, there are limits to the extent even the poor Brits will lie back to have their tummy tickled.

We, on the other hand, seem to be gearing up to going beyond holiday visas, beyond facilitating residence here, onwards and upwards to creating a breed of Super Citizens, with a special facility for welcoming them in to the country. They're paying damn good money for a passport, what do you mean they have to queue like mere mortals?

So special are these bloated plutocrats going to be that the Great Man himself (Minister for Army, Police, Catering Corps, Passport Stall, Propaganda and Identity Records Mallia) will be keeping the list close to his heart, in pectore, if you like, and you and I, mere mortals who are only Maltese because of pure dumb luck, will not be allowed to know who they are.

We won't be able to guess, consequently, whether along with the €650,000 plus a few thousand more for the little woman, mom and pop and a few brats, the proud holder of a shiny new Maltese passport might have slipped a few more thousand to a favourite charity or Civil Servant's retirement fund or a deserving political party, enabling friendly whispers to be susurated into the Minister's shell-likes. With so much on his plate, Mallia won't be vetting the applications himself, and we've all seen what your minions can get up to when folding money is involved, after all.

The Great Man will also be able to grant citizenship to suitable candidates who are fleeing political persecution. Given the context of the power granted, namely within a law that talks about many euro being handed over for the privilege of becoming Maltese, it's unlikely that the working definition of "political persecution" for this purpose is going to include Syrians or Eritreans of the type snatched from the jaws of death over the weekend. It will be the poor bloody military who will deal with them.

The Minister, on the other hand, will have to make weighty decisions as to whether a fleeing former Minister of Finance from, say, Nigeria (he might even have got an email in advance, on the lines many of us get) qualifies as a political refugee, or whether an Azerbajani who managed to get out in one piece does.

Yes, I know, like Simon Busuttil I've learned nothing, all I can be is negative. Sorry, don't take my passport away, I promise I'll only agree with Joseph Muscat in the future, he is All Knowing and All Powerful. Can I have an invitation to a party in Girgenti now, I'll dress up like a Spanish Princess?