Fear and confusion can overwhelm even the most confident children when faced with strange kids and the noise of a new classroom. Helen Raine looks into how can we make that momentous start of school a little bit easier on our kids.

[attach id=277767 size="medium"]An amount of fear is normal for children on their first day of school.[/attach]

In our bank of early childhood memories, we tend to store only events of high emotion. It’s no coincidence then that my memories of starting school are eerily clear. My peg had a little black umbrella on it and below was a wooden shelf for my bag. The naughty chair loomed large over the classroom, but the teacher was kind and it remained unoccupied.

The day was overshadowed though by a personal catastrophe. We were summoned to the first assembly, with us new kids sitting cross-legged in the front row. As the hymns and announcements proceeded in the echoing hall, nerves got the better of the little chap sitting next to me. I watched in horrified fascination as a large puddle spread out before him. Suddenly, a teacher loomed over us. But instead of picking up the urine-soaked offender, she grabbed me! I was whisked out of the hall and before I knew what was happening, my totally dry pants had been hung on the radiator and my mother had been called. Oh the shame; it still makes me go hot and cold 36 years later.

Delving into other people’s first day memories reveals a slew of similar experiences. Fear and confusion can overwhelm even the most confident of children when faced with lots of strange kids and the noise of a classroom. So how can we make that momentous start of school a little bit easier on them?

Listen to the teacher

Audrey Chetcuti is a kindergarten teacher and she’s comforted her fair share of crying children over the years (not to mention weeping parents). She usually meets newcomers during the last week of the school year so they can get used to the classroom and play with the toys.

Audrey has a wealth of experience to make the first day go smoothly. She says that if parents didn’t make the meet-and-greet session, they should at least show their child where the school is. In addition, the two most important things to do are “to mention the new teacher’s name as if he/she is someone they already know and to remind children to say when they need to go to the toilet”. (That would have certainly avoided the trauma of my first day at school.) Her other tip: “Buy them their school bag and let them play with it together with their lunch box and napkin just as if they are at school.”

The schedule at Audrey’s school mirrors many kindergarten classes. “On their first day, the children usually stay for four hours so they won’t feel the day is too long. We do our best to let them play with all the toys, go out in the yard and make the day pass as quickly as possible,” she says.

Inevitably, one child or another will be upset. “If the child cries, we hold their hand and they usually just observe the other kids and their teacher. Usually, after a while, they try and join in.

“On certain occasions, we find kids who literally cry without stopping and have tantrums. We only leave them for a while and usually the parent is outside the school (on the alert). We tell the child that his/her mum or dad went to buy something and that when they stop crying, the parent will return. We then ask the parent to come in. I agree the story with the parent in advance and sometimes I pretend to call them on their mobile.”

Some children cannot take a whole day at school at first, according to Audrey. “For the first week or two, the parent comes after an hour or two, then gradually leaves the child for longer until they can manage the whole day. Sometimes the parents are waiting outside crying till it’s time for them to pick up their child!”

And even after the first day, problems can arise as it dawns on children that school is forever. “Sometimes, the children who do not cry on the first day are the ones who cry on the second when they realise that this is for real!”

To help kids get over this Audrey tries to “distract them with play and crafts till they get used to the routine. We advise parents to tell them that they are either going to work or shopping, and when they are finished, they will come for them and do something fun. If they promise something they have to stick to it! Parents are advised to stay at home during that week or at least have their mobiles on just in case they need to come for the child early. Kids usually like painting and we tell them that if they come the next day, they can do more.”

Child’s view

Even children who are outwardly calm are experiencing a time of tremendous change when they start school. UK-registered educational psychologist Paul Attard Baldacchino has explored this period of child development and takes us inside the mind of a child starting school.

“Simply imagine how the average adult feels on the first day of a new job. Most would agree it involves considerable anxiety. For a young child, who is much more vulnerable and is only starting to have a basic experience of independence, this can be frightening. Some children feel much less anxiety and can fit in very comfortably on the first day. From my experience, however, this is more unusual.

“Children are likely to experience feelings of confusion and anxiety about their separation from their primary caregivers. They may also think they will be unable to cope in this new environment and feel overwhelmed. It is important to keep in mind that most of the package that comes with the first day at school is completely new. The building is unusually large, the classrooms are strange; why are there so many tables? The teacher is not my mum! I want my mum! There are so many young people my height over here? Who are they? What dothey want?”

Dr Attard Baldacchino notes that young children often have not developed the language or understanding to describe their concerns. “That’s why it is important to be sensitive to what the child might be thinking to respond in the most appropriate manner and reassure them that things will be OK. There are many resources available to help parents in the process, such as story books and videos that describe a first day at school.” He advises that if schools don’t offer an orientation visit, parents should ask for the opportunity.

Preparation is key. “It is important to orientate your child as much as possible by speaking of school and describing it in detail, using simple language the child can understand. Describing it as a fun place works best. The child needs to know you will be back after a day at school and you could also tell them you will be doing something nice after to give them something to look forward to.”

If things aren’t going well, Dr Attard Baldacchino urges parents to seek help when warning signs first emerge. “In general, it will take a few days for children to adapt to going to school. An increase in tantrums or some behaviour changes can be expected. But if your child shows a lot of anxiety, difficulties sleeping, or a refusal to eat, it is important to speak to the teacher and ask for support. Psychologists working with children and GPs would be able to help too if severe behaviours are maintained.”

Cutting class is not an option, according to Dr Attard Baldacchino. “Even if the child shows difficulty attending school, it is important to continue, as not doing so could lead them to believe they can refuse school by acting in certain ways.”

Like Audrey, he recommends decreasing the amount of time the child attends school on initial days, and then building the hours back up to reduce anxiety over time.

Parents should also avoid making school look like a punishment or rejection by saying things like: ‘I can’t wait till you start school!’

“Keep in mind that children sense and often are aware of adults’ feelings. Showing the child you are anxious about their first day at school is likely to provide an insecure base for them and they could easily model that anxious behaviour. Parents are better off displaying a relaxed and positive approach to the first day at school, even when the child screams and cries,” Dr Attard Baldacchino insists.

Sometimes, children who do not cry on the first day are the ones who cry on the second when they realise this is for real

Rewards are good tools, but they need to be given for positive behaviour and not simply for staying at school in the morning. Otherwise, Dr Attard Baldacchino warns, you could end up with a child that resists going to school in the morning to get a treat in the afternoon.

Above all, it’s important for parents to just be there to listen. “Showing interest is important. Reassuring a child that you are there to listen and understand helps them know there is support. The first day at school is a developmental challenge for all of us and some issues at school are expected throughout the schooling career,” Dr Attard Baldacchino points out.

And he counsels parents not to despair. “In my experience, children often experience anxiety on the first day and many display crying and an urge to be with their parents. It takes a while before they actively participate in play and begin to really enjoy being at school. It does, however, turn out to be a nice and fun place at the end of it.”

Throwing chairs

While most children do get over first day jitters quickly, some need more help. Emma* was shocked by the violence of her son’s response to school.

“My son had always had some troubles with changes, such as moving house or alternations in his routine. He had had terrible tantrums as a two-year-old and was sensitive to personal space and noise. But lately, he had been calm, happy and well adjusted, so I was not expecting a huge amount of trouble when he went to school,” she says.

The first couple of days went well, but as the week progressed, her son’s behaviour became increasingly erratic. “Although the teachers reported that he was OK at school, if a little quiet and withdraw, when he got home, it was another story. He became increasingly aggressive and angry, throwing huge tantrums worthy of a toddler, but with the strength of a five-year-old.”

She tried various tactics to get him to snap out of it, from distraction to keeping him in the garden until he calmed down. Things came to a head when he started throwing furniture and she found herself barricaded in the bedroom with her younger son.

“I lost it and I smacked him. I didn’t do it hard, and I was really hoping to shock him out of his fit.”

It didn’t work. Her son was furious at being hit and the tension only got worse. “He just wasn’t able to talk about what he was feeling at school. When I dropped him off, my normally sunny and social child wouldn’t talk to me. Then all the stress and fear just bubbled out of him afterwards at home. I talked to the school and requested counselling for him because I just couldn’t handle the situation on my own,” Emma recalls.

Dr Attard Baldacchino says this experience, while shocking and frightening for the child and parent, is not uncommon. He recommends waiting until the child is calm and playing, then speaking to him to try to uncover what he is feeling.

“A positive approach and being sensitive to his concerns and needs is the way forward, even when the child is aggressive. At home, make sure the child is safe and away from anything dangerous. A buddy system can be introduced in class, where another child can be encouraged to play and include the lonely boy and be responsible for his well-being.

“Tantrums can be dealt with by acknowledging what the child wants, but distracting him to do something else to move away from unhelpful behaviour instances. Ignoring tantrums and reward and reinforce positive behaviour. Remember, there is no tantrum without an audience (although clearly, if you fear your children will hurt themselves, you need to step in).”

It takes time for children to build trust with a new teacher and to understand the rules and their place in the class. Towards the end of the second week, Emma’s son began to calm down. He started to greet other children when he arrived at school, and as he made friends, his extreme behaviour eased off. Emma went ahead with counselling anyway to help her son better with other changes in his life, but after two months, he was loving school and the storm had passed.

If you cry more than your child

Of course, sometimes it’s the parents that get all emotional while the child is perfectly fine. Take Marija Schranz; she describes her mum and dad (who had taken the day off) tearfully waving her off from the square as she boarded the mini van.

“I, on the other hand, boarded without so much as a backwards glance, let alone a wave! Off I happily went (probably relieved to finally get some freedom – a precursor of days to come), with not a farewell nor tear in sight.”

My own mother has similar memories. She remembers me announcing on day two: “Mummy, I don’t need you to take me to school anymore; I know the way.”

When that happens, it can be just as disconcerting as having a child wail for you. But take heart from Dr Attard Baldacchino; he thinks it means you’ve done a great job parenting.

“The best prepared children are those whose parents take a proactive approach in preparing them and are in the habit of encouraging them to participate in new activities and praise them for positive initiatives. Children often model adults and when they are around those who are ready to take helpful risks and display a resilient attitude to life, they are more skilled in dealing with new experiences. Those who have more opportunities to play outside home, spend time with other children and adults are often more prepared and adapt well to the new school experience.”

*Names have been changed to protect the person’s identity.