This Premier League transfer foreplay has gone on for long enough now and it’s about time we saw some real action.

There are three headline-grabbing moves in the pipeline this summer and, despite each individual saga having dragged on for weeks, we are still waiting for any of them to come to a conclusion.

I am, of course, referring to Wayne Rooney to Chelsea, Cesc Fabregas to Manchester United and Luis Suarez to Arsenal. All three players want to leave their current clubs, all three have teams that want to buy them and in each case a concrete offer has been made.

History has taught us when those key elements are in place it is generally only a matter of time (and price) before the deals go through.

Yet, with just a couple of weeks to go before the new season is upon us, the ‘he’s going nowhere’ nonsense is still being touted by all three selling clubs.

Although I personally believe all three deals will go ahead, the least certain is probably Rooney’s.

Suarez is a man of such low moral values that I am sure he will be happy to move to another Premiership club despite insisting he wanted to get away from the English media. Provided Arsenal can offer him Champions League football, which they can, and a good dental care package, he will be on the bus to London at some point soon.

Although I believe all three deals will go ahead, the least certain is Rooney’s

Fabregas has apparently realised that achieving your ambition of playing for your hometown club does not necessarily mean you have achieved your actual football ambitions. He knows he can be the king of United’s midfield for the next seven or eight years and I believe that sort of central role will see him make the switch.

But Rooney’s move is a bit more questionable. Although Chelsea want him and although David Moyes has indicated he will play second fiddle to Robin Van Persie next season, you get the feeling there is still an element of Rooney that is emotionally attached to United.

However, Jose Mourinho is nothing if not persuasive, and once he has been given the chance to whisper a few sweet nothings in Rooney’s ear, the striker will on his way to London to spend a few years keeping Colleen Rooney away from John Terry.

As I said, all three of these deals will more that likely go through. I just wish they would happen quickly so we can start getting properly excited about the new season…

The full Brazilian

I’ve heard footballers make some pretty embarrassing admissions in the past, but none of them quite as shocking as the one by Brazilian superstar Neymar last week.

Barcelona’s new £50 million (€58m) man was speaking during an interview in which he insisted he is not as vain as that other good-looking footballer, David Beckham.

But then he shot himself in the perfectly-pedicured foot with his next statement:

“Yes, it is true that I like to go out and buy new clothes, nice perfumes and hair products. I also shave my legs, for example,” he said.

Now I’m not against male grooming. But shaving your legs? Is he serious?

The only time a professional footballer should shave his legs is just before he is going in for an operation. And then only as much as is absolutely necessary for the surgeon not to get his scalpel all tangled up.

But Neymar obviously thinks otherwise and believes his silky skills should be matched by equally silky skin.

Maybe it’s just a ploy to put off his opponents. If nothing else the idea of coming out of tackle with severe stubble burn on their legs would be enough to make them think twice…

Took a Wonga turn

What a happy coincidence.

Just a few days after pictures of him gambling in a casino are published, Newcastle footballer Papiss Cisse suddenly backs down on his “I’m not wearing that shirt” religious stand.

The Senegalese player had been refusing to don this season’s kit on the basis that it featured the logo of short-term money lending company Wonga. He felt promoting a company that makes profit out of loans went against his strong Muslim beliefs.

But his argument crumbled faster that you can say ‘world’s biggest hypocrite’ when blurry photos emerged of him sitting at a blackjack table in Asper’s casino – lending money for profit may be a sin under Islam, but so is gambling.

I’ve no problem with a person taking a stance on religious grounds. If he felt that shirt was in conflict with his beliefs then he was right to protest.

But your argument is only ever going to have credibility if you can prove that your religion actually is of that much importance to you and that you follow all its teachings.

I still can’t help but feel the whole thing was an attempt by Cisse to orchestrate a move away from his current club. Rumours are that megabucks Russian club Anzhi Makhachkala were sniffing around the player and were prepared to make him a double-your-money offer to leave Newcastle.

His only stumbling blocks were the small facts that he is under contract and that Newcastle didn’t want to sell him. What better way to push a transfer through than to come up with a religious argument as to why you can no longer play for the club?

Maybe I’m wrong and maybe this was a genuine situation. But spending so much time observing the way modern footballers behave has made me that much more cynical about their actions.

Big Sam’s got a plan

I know there are still a couple of weeks to go before the season starts but I’ve already picked my Premier League dark horses – West Ham United.

I’m not suggesting they are going to win the league. I’d have to have completely lost the plot to predict anything quite that ridiculous even by my own rather warped standards.

However, I do think they are going to be a bit of surprise package this season, building on their relatively solid return to the top flight last year and pushing on towards the top six this time round, maybe even flirting with the idea of top four.

Of course, there is no true scientific basis to my theory; it is little more than a hunch.

But the pre-season signs have been good for the Hammers, and, if they can keep Andy Carroll fit for the entire season then I think they have a team capable of surprising quite a few people.

Joe Cole still has it and will be desperately keen to show it, Kevin Nolan remains one of my all-time favourite attacking midfielders, Matt Jarvis is one of the most talented wingers in the top flight and Alou Diarra is the engine that makes the whole team tick.

Of course, the fact the club recently signed Titus Bramble works against my theory (a bit like a ship owning its own iceberg) but I still feel that under Sam Allardyce they have a chance to really push on this season.

Watch this space…

Unlucky break

I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be on the receiving end of one of Cristiano Ronaldo’s freekicks.

Well, one young lad found out last week when Real Madrid played Bournemouth (don’t ask me why) in a pre-season friendly.

Sitting behind the goal, 11-year-old Charlie Silverwood was struck by a Ronaldo special that didn’t quite find the target.

And the force of the shot fractured the lad’s wrist in two places.

By way of an apology, young Charlie got a signed Real Madrid shirt which I am sure he will enjoy wearing just as soon as his arm is out of the sling.

But the best part about this story for me was the fact that despite getting his hand broken in the sixth minute of the game, Charlie refused to leave until the match was over, carrying on watching despite his pain.

That’s one kid who’s going to be incredibly popular when he gets back to school at the end of summer…

sportscolumnist@timesofmalta.com
Twitter: @maltablade