Step-parenting can be fraught with confusion and jealousy, drama and tears. But it doesn’t and shouldn’t have to be like this: play it right and step-parenting can be a happy, loving, life-enhancing experience. By Deana Luchia.

Step-parents – and step-mothers in particular – get a raw deal. In fairy tales and in modern literature, and in a plethora of films and TV shows, step-parents are controlling and cruel, duplicitous and frightening, always jealous of their step-children. Loving step-parents simply don’t exist.

Except they do in real life. And, especially since divorce has now hit the statute books, there are increasing numbers of them – helping with homework and school runs, offering hugs, advice and love. When a traditional family breaks down, and children have to adjust to a different type of family life, maybe living between two homes, with two sets of rules and two ways of doing things, step-parents have a crucial role to play: They smooth the cracks and fill in the gaps.

Yet it’s not an easy role. Children can easily believe that forging a relationship with a step-mum or dad is a betrayal of their actual parents. And step-parents come under intense scrutiny from ex-wives and husbands who can feel threatened by a new adult in their child’s life. Do too much for your step-child and you’re interfering; take a back seat and you’re indifferent and uncaring. When you’re neither a parent or a child’s friend, working out what exactly you can offer, is tough.

Jane* has been a step-mother to Claire*, now 15, for five years. She’s a good example of how to step-parent well. They have a loving, easy-going relationship and, unusually, had this from the very beginning. How did it go so well?

“I didn’t really have a plan,” explains Jane, “but when I started dating my husband Andrew*, he talked about me to Claire for several weeks before we actually met. She understood that I was an unthreatening part of her dad’s life and that one day, when she was ready, I would join them on one of their weekends together.”

Jane decided to make a small power-point presentation of her life for Andrew to show Claire. “I wanted her to know more about me in a fun way before we met, so I included pictures of me and my nephew and niece, my friends, and I explained what job I did and where I worked and what I liked to do. After she’d seen it, she telephoned me. We laughed about the pictures I’d sent and I kept it light. I didn’t want to push anything.”

They met for the first time two weeks later. “I was going to meet her, with Andrew, at the airport, and I’d bought her a lot of presents. I asked her if I could hug her and she said yes and from that point on we have always got on.”

The key, says Jane, is to take things really slowly and to not have any expectations. “You’re not their parent, not their friend. And you do need to make this clear from the very beginning. What you are, though, is a positive adult person in their life.”

It’s vital to never show you are angry with a child’s natural parent. Divorce takes an inevitable toll on a child, yet one positive outcome can be that they no longer have to endure their parents’ constant arguments. Children who’ve escaped that shouldn’t then have to listen to a step-parent’s arguments. Even if it’s hard, even if an ex makes life difficult, step-parents have to stay neutral, just as parents should stay positive when discussing a step-parent.

“It wouldn’t have been helpful pretending that Claire’s mum didn’t exist,” says Jane. “I always encouraged her to keep photos of her mum in her room with us, and holiday photos of the three of them as a family when she was small. We would talk about these photos and I would tell her how pretty her mum was, and I just made it normal talking about her mum. A lot of step-parents refuse to talk about ex-wives and so on, and that’s wrong. They’re a huge part of your step-child’s life and it shouldn’t be something that can’t be discussed. It’s not always easy but step-children don’t need to know that.”

Children want transparency. They need to know from the outset what a step-parent will mean in their life and how things might change. “You have to be clear that they will always come first and that you aren’t competing with them,” says Jane. “Once at the very beginning Claire was hugging Andrew really tightly on the sofa and looking at me to see how I would react. She was only 10 and it was her way of giving me a little test to see if I was jealous but of course I wasn’t and I just smiled and winked at her and she laughed and winked back and she never did that again. She knows I love her and I love her dad, and she knows that I know how much she loves her dad.”

Step-parent well and you will have bonds that last a lifetime. Step-parents could find themselves present at graduations and weddings, then baby-showers and christenings. That said, there are no guarantees for step-parents. A teenager you’ve cared for since they were a toddler can be someone you never see again. Unless of course, that teenager wants to stay in touch.

“If my marriage to Andrew ever ended, I would like to think Claire would still be in touch with me, even if it was just on Facebook or by text. I am an important part of her life. She texts me everyday and always asks my advice. It doesn’t, of course, compare with the relationship she has with her parents. I’ve known her since she was 10 and I can see her blossoming into a young woman and I’d like to see that. I’d like to see her as a grown-up, making her own decisions. I always want to be part of her life.”

* Names have been changed.

Step-parenting tips

• Never get involved in any arguments between your step-child and their parent. They have their own relationship.

• Be open with your step-child. Children can feel vulnerable when a new person comes along. Telling them from the very beginning that they can ask you anything, helps.

• When a step-child comes to stay for the week or the weekend, it’s the child’s needs that are the most important.

• Make sure that your step-child has time alone with their parent. Step-parents don’t need to be a constant presence.

• Stay neutral and don’t engage with your partner’s ex. Let your partner deal with them directly. Don’t get sucked into their arguments.

• Don’t make the big decisions for step-child; let their parents do that.

• While a step-parent is expected to love a step-child unconditionally a step-child is not expected to reciprocate.