Parents are supposed to love their children, cherish and protect them until they are ready to step out into the world on their own. Whenever a story about parental neglect hits the headlines, your heart aches at the thought of the hurt and injustice borne by one so young and you might strengthen your resolve to ensure your own children know they are loved.
With the very best of intentions, overprotective parents can actually undermine a child’s development. Overprotective or helicopter parents tend to:
1. Do everything for their children.
Parents would help a child in a heartbeat but sometimes it is better to step back and let the child handle her own tasks.
Just this week, my nine-year old daughter said “Mummy can I clean my trainers for tomorrow please?”
“I’ll do them for you later,” I said and kicked myself as I saw her face fall in disappointment.
She had noticed something that needed to be done, decided on a course of action and was all set until I stepped in.
Accomplishments are the building blocks of self-confidence and carers should encourage youngsters to take on suitably challenging tasks to develop children’s self-belief. This applies equally to homework; encourage a child to first try to tackle the problem alone and only step in to help when necessary.
2. Offer too much praise.
When a toddler takes his first steps the adults in his life are thrilled at his achievement. They will fuss the child and ensure that everybody knows about Junior’s big news. That is what parents do, they recognise and praise achievement.
It wouldn’t occur to anyone to make the same fuss when a healthy 10-year old Junior walks across the room. So why do some parents praise their child’s every little action. Once your child has polished a skill parents would be well advised to let the accomplishment and resultant independence be enough satisfaction.
Similarly when a child does not perform to the expected standard, making excuses for him is counter-productive. If he has not done well on a test, suggest he study harder or smarter next time rather than blame the teacher, the other children, the weather, etc. Children need to learn to equate results with effort.
3. Mediate when they argue.
When parents act as judge and jury every time their offspring squabble amongst themselves or with their friends, the youngsters are not learning any conflict resolution skills. It is far more effective to teach children to thrash things out between themselves until they solve their differences.
As long as it is not always the same child that gives in to the stronger willed sibling or friend and barring any verbal or physical violence, let them sort out their own disagreements.
4. Solve all their problems for them.
Your daughter has left her homework behind. Do you promptly take it to her at school or leave it in plain sight and make a mental note to speak to her about being more careful in future? The first solution prevents your daughter from facing the consequences of her actions; the second will teach her a valuable life lesson.
Things go wrong in life and we must deal with setbacks, pick ourselves up and carry on. The earlier children get to grips with this reality the easier it will be for them to deal with the more serious disappointments they will face later.
5. Micro manage their life.
The child’s schedule is planned to the slightest detail leaving no time for spontaneity. Everything is scheduled, from extracurricular activities to study periods and play dates. The child is not required to fill any of his time independently because it is all done for him – right down to a “chilling out” slot on a Saturday afternoon. When is the child going to learn to be proactive?
Think back to the happiest times of your childhood. How many of those times were parent free moments? Today’s children also need to experience the freedom of being unfettered by adult supervision, free to play and make their own decisions. They need to be free to take risks enjoy the thrill of knowing Mum and Dad would not approve. I’m not suggesting children should be let loose to roam Regional Road but neither do parents need to have their children constantly in their sight.
Parental involvement and interest in their child’s education is important and beneficial. But the so-called ‘helicopter parents’ tend to help out at every school activity. They are as stressed (or more so) as their children when their exam season comes round. It would be far more beneficial to teach children to study independently rather than hover over them, practically studying with them.
6. Overprotect them.
Children will get hurt and sick, they will be miserable sometimes and they will have their heart broken, there is no way we can protect them forever.
I remember taking my eldest to the paediatrician because of a cold soon after he started Kindergarten. When I asked whether my darling should be kept home from school the doctor said: “If you keep him home every time he gets a cold, he’s going to miss a great deal of school.”
Children need to acquire a degree of immunity, to hurtful words and insults as well as illness and they cannot do that if they live in sterile environments.
7. Set expectations too low or too high.
Given the chance, children are far more resilient and resourceful than we give them credit for. Setting age appropriate chores and responsibilities and expecting them to work to the best of their abilities imbues children with a sense of responsibility and self-worth. However, by asking too little of them, we undermine their self-esteem as our actions imply they are not capable of fulfilling a task, any task.
Setting parental expectations too high is also damaging to the child’s self esteem as they fear they are not able to reach your goals. Children with overly exacting parents often suffer from depression and anxiety as they juggle their own fear of failing with the added pressure of letting their parents down.
If the aim of parenting is to produce independent citizens, we must start teaching our children the skills they need to indeed be independent individuals capable of contributing to society and make their own way in life. Like reading and writing, independence is best learned in small manageable steps along the way.