As the fragility of marriages increases, so does the lavishness of weddings. Are we investing in form at the expense of substance? People may disagree about what marriage is. But all newly-weds agree that weddings are becoming a costly nightmare. Would investing more in marriage than in weddings result in longer-lasting and happier families?

What are we investing in marriage preparation? Time and money are surely crucial. The average age for first marriages is now late 20s to early 30s, normally after a long relationship. This seems wise. Yet these may be alienating years instead of years of growth and preparation for married life. Studies need completing, careers established, money saved, houses built and furnished, and social life maintained throughout. All this requires time and money.

How does this impact the relationship? What is the couple preparing for: surviving the chore of making a living or growing in the joy of sharing a life? What makes for a solid preparation for a lasting marriage?

Any relationship depends on the personality of each individual in the couple. Their personal qualities, issues, flaws and real maturity determine the quality of their relationship. So I would put self-knowledge as a first requirement. If I don’t know who I am, how can I get to know you? People disconnected from their inner self can’t enter a healthy, lasting relationship. They’re too conditioned by the inner, hidden needs and compulsions that will surface in a destructive way with time. Courses, counselling, friendships, family conversations, the media, even schooling all help young people get to know themselves.

Society too must shoulder its responsibility. Opinion formers and agents of social change need to help young couples make the right choices based on the right priorities. Society needs to redefine success. What matters isn’t money, comfort, status, pleasure and superficial excitement. What’s essential is invisible. It’s the inner meaningfulness of giving oneself graciously and gratuitously out of love that makes life worthwhile.

Formal marriage preparation can help. The State needs to take up its responsibility in this matter. It is an anomaly that the little formal marriage preparation on offer is only offered by the Church to those wanting a religious marriage. Our society considers itself mature and emancipated, but no one has as yet shouldered this responsibility. As if a good marriage benefits only religious people. It is amazing how society does so much to prepare citizens to become economically productive but not socially healthy. As if starting a family – the building block of society – requires no formation whatsoever.

I do not question people’s right to get married. Rather I am in favour of helping them benefit more from exercising this right. In the same way that societyprovides compulsory schooling to prepare children to become fulfilled and active citizens, so should it provide meaningful preparation for citizens to ensure their human, affective and social well-being by forming sound, lasting and flourishing families.

Even economically speaking, serene citizens are an asset. When the increase in broken marriages results in more broken children, isn’t it time to shift attention and resources from weddings to marriages? We invest so much in comfortable dwellings. Can’t we invest more in happier dwellers? We talk so much about diversity in partnerships and sexual freedom. Shouldn’t we focus more on lifelong soul companionship? We harp so much on the right to reproduce. Shouldn’t we promote more the joys of giving our children a real life?

Paying lip-service to strengthening families is not on. All it takes is a clearer vision of what is really essential and a strong determination to put our money where our mouth – or rather, our happiness – is.

Marrying at the right time in the right way will instill more meaning to celebrating a truly happy wedding.

pchetcuti@gmail.com

Fr Paul Chetcuti is a member of the Society of Jesus.