Some time back, I had a discussion on what exactly is the difference between accepting and tolerating others. The terms may be related but, in fact, they are different.

The basis of harmony is truly the diversity of opinions, beliefs and behaviour

When we speak about others we usually indicate how we feel about them. In reality, the way I speak about others implies a subjective statement about them.

Comments about others are hardly neutral: they imply either an approach or avoidance dynamic.

It’s not just the adjectives used that make such a statement but even which stories or parts of an experience we consciously or unconsciously choose to remember or focus on.

For example, one may find it interest watching a female driving a bus or taxi because one expects that such jobs are usually reserved to male drivers.

Call this sexist attitude or stereotypical. However, life is literally loaded with similar occurrences. Every instance that we deem interesting, particularly when confronted with something different than we are used to, presents us with a decision: approach or avoidance dynamic (towards that person or group of people).

Let’s be clear: this is a complex equation and I am sure that part of it has to do with our survival instinct as well.

Research shows that we prefer and favour the usual and the known over the unpredictable. We feel we have more control over the former and, thus, can handle it better. Accordingly, many people are more likely to accept individuals perceived as similar or pleasant to us.

On the other hand, we tend to be cautious, and sometimes fear, individuals (or occurrences) that may seem different from us. Why is this? Differences may challenge us in the way we look at things. Diversity challenges us to adjust to a new/different reality, alien in some respects to what we are used to.

Thus, different realities challenge us to change – at how we think, feel and behave at others. They may also challenge us on how we look at ourselves in a new or different reality. The irony of it all is that, to grow, one has to change. All about life has to do with change. It’s only in death that we are constant.

Yet, we dread changes; we usually fear them. This is another reason why growing is painful and difficult. One of life’s greatest ironies is just this: what may seem a threat, may, in fact, be our only way to grow and move on healthily in life.

In the approach-avoidance dynamic involved when we encounter different people, our response is that of acceptance or tolerance. Tolerance is defined as a fair, objective and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc. differ from one’s own.

The word tolerance is a heavy word. It implies reluctance, putting up with something or someone. When a person says he’s tolerant of foreigners, immigrants, Muslims, of , or whoever the case may be, in reality he is saying that he puts up with that category of people. For example, in summer, we tolerate the heat, or the constant southern winds.

In many ways, tolerance is permissive in nature, allowing something to occur or exist (maybe because we cannot do otherwise).

Moreover, tolerance is an action or, rather, a restraint from action. With life’s constant challenges, we are faced by our limitedness, thus, having to tolerate many unpleasant things, which are conditional to our existence.

On the other hand, acceptance is more favourable. Rather than being an action, it is a mental state. According to Webster’s online definition, acceptance means also ‘regarding (something/someone) as proper, normal or inevitable…’ It is the favourable reception, approval of another or something. What I accept, is usually what I approve of. Thus, acceptance is more positive and pro others.

The question is whether one can move from tolerance to acceptance.

Both acceptance and tolerance mean appreciating others and respecting differences in people. Accepting and tolerating need not be against each other. Both refer to the mutual respect that should exist among people.

Each person has a right to her own feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and behaviours. People should not be valid or respectable because they suit our expectations or assumptions. Accepting and tolerating others, different from us, does not mean that we have to agree with them in all respects. It means that we respect them despite all differences that may exist.

One may hold his ground on own beliefs and principles but that should not be a reason to discard, ridicule or abuse differing ones. Being different does not mean a threat! Rather, it suggests how limited and finite we all are and how more beautiful the world would be if we learn to live and let live.

In many respects, the world is interesting because of its diversity. Just imagine how boring it would be if all people were Maltese or if all countries were like Malta or, worse still, if all thought the same like you and me!

The basis of harmony is truly the diversity of opinions, beliefs and behaviour.

Humans show their mettle not in coercing others (who are different) to abide by their rules but when striking a mutually respectful balance between them, despite all the existing differences.

Success in today’s world depends on being able to understand, appreciate and work together. Whether we accept or tolerate others different from us, it’s good to remember that true respect to diversity is the way forward.

mgalea00@yahoo.com

Michael Galea is a psychologist and lecturer at the University of Malta.