[attach id=261759 size="medium"]Build a dam, empty the Gozo Channel and let people just drive/walk through, in the manner of Moses.[/attach]
I hate tunnels. But I love bridges. Tunnels are the stuff of bad dreams, and I don’t mean this metaphorically. My nightmares always feature my being lost in a tunnel and not being able to find my way out, or if I do manage to see the light, then some giant would be blocking the exit, and no amount of tapping on his ankles (in my dreams I always lose my voice) will ever get him to budge.
My illogical reasoning goes: if I’m on a plane and need to get out, all I need to do, technically, is open the door. I know I’ll die, but I would have died in fresh air, if you get my drift. If I’m stuck in a tunnel there’s just no way out.
Bridges, on the other hand, are great fun. There is always that frisson of adventure and excitement and of “Ah, I wonder if the grass will be greener on the other side?” And thankfully, bridges never fall down in my dreams.
This bridge-tunnel thing is an ‘us-against-them’ islanders’ tiffs, and can only be solved by a tough contest between the Gozitans and the Maltese: Who can make the world’s best ġbejna?
So, between a tunnel and a hard bridge to link Malta to Gozo, which would I go for? I’m afraid the answer is: neither. And if you’re not Gozitan and have no relatives and not even a spoonful of Gozitan blood in your system, then you will be nodding in agreement.
Dear Gozitans, don’t huff. You have to understand one thing. All us citizens of the mainland are born and raised on The Tramps’ song, “tralala… inti djamant f’nofs il-Mediterran / Għawdex int biss tagħtini s-serħan, is-serħan”.
So for us, this bridge-tunnel thingy is like telling us to get a precious diamond and drill a hole through it to make it more, err, user-friendly. Hear the sharp intake of breath of all the Maltese: it’s a sacrilege. Take all those picturesque Greek islands: not even a single bridge and they’re all doing fine, better than Athens I’d say.
The problem is that 30,000 Gozitans would give an eye for a permanent link.
“You Maltese want to keep Gozo as a presepju,” rallied James, my Gozitan friend. (I’m distracted by the way he says presepju with that cute micro-island drawly accent).
Gozitans, he said, are tired of having to wake up at the crack of dawn each day to catch the ferry, drive the long, winding road from Ċirkewwa to their office and repeat the same thing at dusk, totting up some four hours of communting every day. “With an underground train you could do the same trip in 10 minutes!”
Most Gozitans are ditching the to-and-fro travelling and are now settling in Malta. “Which means the island is being drained, weekends are dead, and the island economy becoming staler,” he said.
To my un-Gozitan mind, this is good news, because it means the island will stop being abused by the construction industry and will retain its quaintness and quirkyiness.
But then James, being the Gozitan that he is, throws down the guantlet: “Try living in Gozo for the whole month of July and travel every day by public transport from Victoria to Valletta and then tell me what you think,” he said.
And at that very point, I thought to myself, not without a touch of panic at the thought of all that hassle: surely there must be a third way? I quickly got together the best minds of the island and this is what they came up with:
• Replace ferries with a hovercraft which travels on land and sea, so Gozitans can be picked up from their homes. The hovercraft then crosses the channel, scoots on the Ċirkewwa bypass and drops them off at the office door;
• Give all Gozitans working in Malta purposely-built jet skis with which they speed right up to the Grand Harbour;
• Build a dam, empty the Gozo Channel and let people just drive/walk through, in the manner of Moses;
• Get the scouts to build a massive zip-line across the channel;
• Build cable cars from Mġarr, Gozo, to Paradise Bay;
• Use hot air balloons – and this came with the tagline: ‘A romantic way to start the day’;
• Set up a sling shot with a net to capture Gozitans on either side.
• Build a bridge and use it also for bungee jumping and dolphin observation;
• Everyone – Maltese and Gozitan – moves to Comino and that would solve all the commuting problems.
This is clearly one of those ‘us-against-them’ islanders’ tiffs, which no referendum can solve. It can only be settled by staging a tough competition: a Gozitans vs Maltese football match; or a world’s best ġbejna contest. If team Malta wins, then the link idea is buried forever; if team Gozo triumphs then the bridge-tunnel is theirs.
I’d normally say ‘May the best team win’, but we all know there’s no beating a very determined Gozitan. My nightmares are doomed.
krischetcuti@gmail.com