Active ageing?

“You are old, Father William, the young man said.

And your hair has become very white ” (Lewis Carroll).

Yet, never attempt Father William’s antics: head stands, back-somersaults; arguments with wife or partner sive concubine. Relationships with the wife must be continually updated. Never miss her birthday, wedding anniversary and mother’s day (after all this was your fault.) Always tell lies about her figure (that she has lost weight); shower compliments on dress, hairstyle and age – that she still looks younger than X. In this way you save money on creams and paraphernalia. Compliments mean peace of mind.

To reinforce this intellectual goodness, spend 30 minutes in contemplation and adoration in church for psychological relief, physical relaxation and personal freedom.

Enjoy early morning exercise: stroll in public gardens or wade barefoot on sandy beaches. Mother Nature is your best doctor. Octogenarians do not need to play golf (though some do) for outdoor exercise but walking, swimming and playing croquet are equally invigorating. Playing chess or cards is too mentally exhausting.

Thus, active ageing refers to physical well-being of octogenarians and perhaps nonagenarians. Only they receive an annual bonus by avoiding being a burden on the government. It costs the government so little to do so. Always refuse to grow old; keep yourselves busy during long leisure hours of retirement in uninterrupted sleep. When awake plan your future to accomplish a record age. Look forward to your next birthday and beyond. Looking on the bright side of life encourages positive thinking, sometimes lateral thinking. Thus, mind and heart work like a rhythmic piston generating enough energy for life.

Energy is charged by choice of work. Control physical exertion: do not climb ladders to check a leaking roof: vertigo may bring you down to earth in no time. Running errands demands caution: shopping for daily needs (the newspaper) is not strenuous but dangerous even on zebra crossings. Helping in household chores, making beds, laying the dinner table, watering the potted plants are a pleasure, to your wife. Walk to the bank to cash precious pension cheques: it gives you freedom… until you find her waiting for you with open palms. In truth your deeds are recorded in her good books. What is more, she tells everyone about them. Your goodness is an envious challenge to her friends.

Medical health is a reminder that bodily rust must be checked: high blood pressure, heart burns, decaying teeth, bladder functioning, hearing aids, weeping eyes, aching joints and in-growing toe nails must be constantly watched. Run regular visits to hospital. Waiting might test your patience but remember it is free. It is gregarious and also instructive. Think of the detailed explanation of how waiting outpatients had contracted contagious diseases and how another unashamedly suffers from an unspoken ailment.

Take note of the wise prescriptions: herbal remedies, acupuncture needles and grandmother’s laxatives. The doctors’ consultation is a waste of time. So do not miss this opportunity for knowledge of medical lore. Hospital visits are educational. One even uncovers that he suffers from ailments he never thought of before.

If this is not active ageing, then what is?