This week, Sylvanus is privileged to have been granted access to a transcript of the inaugural meeting of the Committee for C.R.A.P (Cultural Regeneration and Artistic Progress). This is, of course, the all-new body set up by the Government to chart a brand new course for Malta’s cultural policy, in order to make it more accessible to the proletariat – a process otherwise known as dumbing-down.
And when it is finished, the new teatru at City Gate... we must make it a place for all Maltese to see shows
The meeting was convened for 7pm and was called to order by the chairman at precisely 8.22pm.
Present: Chairman: Ivan Buontempo Losch: (Whose connection to all things cultural may – at first glance – seem somewhat tenuous. Indeed, he is to culture what Silvio Bedrlusconi (sic) is to celibacy. But his party credentials are beyond reproach... Syl)
Members: Gianni Spampinato (Has run carnival companies since before the Great Siege – or maybe it just seems that long. Is a great aficionado of all things Karnivall... and only all things Karnivall... Syl)
Kylie Lanfranco Deguara, K.A: Kylie Invogue: (Represented Malta in the Eurovision Song Contest and even managed to place last – again... Syl)
Leli Borg Borg, K.A: Leli il-Bits: (Għana Spirtu Pront singer extraordinaire, whose lilting soprano has emptied many a bar. He, at least, really is cut out for the job... Syl)
Dennis Caligula Borg: (Entrepreneur and events organiser, was responsible for the largest, most spectacular and only female mud wrestling marathon ever to be held in the Maltese islands. Also brought over to Malta for a one-night-only concert on the Fossos, that great Italian singing star of the 1960s and 1970s Gianni Spignoni... in a custom-built ambulance... Syl)
And finally: Charles Alamango Sant: (Mqabba’s foremost fireworks enthusiast. Known throughout the south of the island as Challie three fingers. A cultural icon to some... a crazy, dangerous fool to others... Syl)
Most of this inaugural meeting was taken up by an address by the chairman, in which he stated that: “The new Government wants to bring culture to everyone in the Maltese islands, not just the tal-pépe fraternity and the Sliemizi. We want rid of all that Bar Rock (sic) festival rubbish, to allow the real people to enjoy their culture.
“Who wants to listen to Ludwig von Beethoven at the Manoel Theatre, when you can have Justin von Bieber? And we don’t want no more of that Shakespeare and other English nonsense on our stages. In fact, the Manoel Theatre must and will present more populistic (sic) material and (to cheers from the rest of the committee) I intend to see that the Manoel will stage fashion shows and firework displays.
“Any plays ‘put up’ (I was about to correct this to ‘put on’ but left it, why should I bother to waste my time... Syl) there must be approved by this committee. We want to see more of the great Maltese dramas like Żeża tal-Flagship and Id-Daddy... true popular culture, so as the working peoples (sic) will understand such things.
“And when it is finished, the new teatru at City Gate... we must make it a place for all Maltese to see shows. Here you, Is-Sur Caligula Borg can make something for us. And not just variety shows, although these will be good to put up (Oh dear... Syl) for the working peoples... with such stars as dear old Mary Spiteri, there are still some peoples alive who remembers her and that star of Eurovizin (sic) Fabrizio X’ajdulu. Although for me, we must see different shows there... Denis, what do you think?”
Caligula Borg then addressed the meeting: “Jien, I think – ”
But was interrupted by the chairman with: “Please address the chair first.”
Caligula Borg did so: “Good evening chair, jien I think I can make many sophis... serfistee... nice entertainments there. Even I want to make kompetishins (sic) for every peoples, such as... How low can you go? This is competition for bennej... builders, to see how much bum cleavage each one can show without his pants falling down. The winner is the one with his pants still up... just.”
The chairman replied (Amid grunts of assent from the rest of the committee “Very nice Denis, will you work on that please? Anybody else got any suggestions? No? Fine, then I adjourn this meeting until after its findings have been discussed by the committee to be appointed for such things. Good evening.”