Welcome to the newest, greatest and sexiest people’s ‘democratic’ socialist ‘paradise’

We, at Sylvanus Ltd, have managed to get hold of a copy of the maiden speech, to be delivered by our beloved leader Kim Zeff Jo, at the upcoming session of the Third World Forum of Socialist Ideologies and Dogma... and here it is:

It is one thing to run for the top job, but quite another to run the country

“Greetings comrades... and other less fortunate members of the proletariat, unaccustomed as I am to making a twat of myself in public, I would nonetheless like to say how honoured and... yes, humbled I am to be given the privilege of addressing you all on this most auspicious – not to say – special – not to say – vital occasion.

As you are all well aware, I was recently elected by a vast – not to say enormous – majority, to the post of Il-Presidente Supremo of that key political superpower... the Maltese Islands (Pause to allow spontaneous burst of tumultuous applause to wash over me).

My newer than new and whi – erm... redder than red administration will be a government for all Maltese, just as long as they are or become members of my very own party. Our election slogan of: ‘Malta tagħna lkoll’ will be an lasting testament to this inclusivity. And, I contend – not to say reiterate – that our old slogan, conjured by that great friend of democracy and freedom Joe Debono Whatsit, endures and spells out my policies, just as much as the new one.

Oh yes friends... for me it is still very true that: ‘If you are not with us... you are against us’. So to all those dissenters I say: ‘Toe the line, or I’ll send the boys in’. For it is one thing to run for the top job, but quite another to run the country.

Now I don’t want you to think that mine will be a harsh totalitarian regime, oh no, no, no, no, no. I intend to be true to my en­trenched principles and to those of my mentor and the shining light of the party, the great and ever-present Saviour of Malta. And in homage to his sweet memory, I intend losing no time in reintroducing some of the most beneficial elements of his long and cuddly reign. So, I have issued instructions that my mentor’s finest and most enduring policy... the bulk-buying scheme, should be reinstated from this day forth. (Pause to let yet another vast and enthusiastic ovation to build, sustain and then reluctantly fade).

I shall also reinvigorate old friendships and alliances that were allowed to lapse under the previous administration. Sadly, our greatest friend, ally and all-round good bloke... Muammar the mighty, is no longer around, to provide us with love, solidarity and cheap oil.

But there are others who have survived and are very much still ready to dole handouts to poor impoverished Malta. I refer to giants of democracy and largesse like our dear friends from North Korea, Belarus, Syria and Iran.

And – as an assurance of our goodwill and friendship towards these cherished and sweet nations, from tomorrow I shall be completely reorganising the flight schedules of our national airline, Air Malta. Out will go all services to EU countries and in their stead I am introducing daily flights to Pyongyang, Tehran, Damascus and Minsk.

Oh, by the way... I am also henceforth cancelling the rights of all current foreign carriers to fly into and out of Malta International Airport. From today, I shall only grant this privilege to our own beloved Air Malta, North Korea’s national flag carrier Air Koryo, Iran’s airline Homa Air, Syrian Airlines and Belavia of Belarus.

And to show even further solidarity with our friends from that haven of peace and democracy, North Korea, I shall immediately set in motion an exchange scheme between our two countries. They will once again send us copious manpower to rebuild our country, while we shall send them dozens of ex-MPs and opposition sympathisers, to assist with their annual mud harvest to alleviate that unfortunate country’s food shortage.

Enjoy, won’t you, Austin.

We... I... am well aware that there are menaces, both here and farther afield, who would seek to sabotage our new and lovely socialist revolution.

Well, you’ll be pleased to hear that we... I have thought about that too.

So, from today the foreign interference act is to be reinvoked... so there!

God – save... me!”

And then I woke up.