Take up smoking and shoot things. This seems to be the gist of Chevalier John Giordimaina’s pearls of wisdom, as shared in his latest book Bizzilla. Ramona Depares submits to some rather quaint ideas, after unwisely requesting an interview from the author.

[attach id=251044 size="medium"]Chevalier John Giordimaina digging out his pearls of wisdom. Photo: Pierre Portelli, Make-up: Jackie Grima[/attach]

At first read, Chev. John Giordimaina’s guide to better living might come as a shock. I mean, who would have thought that the secret to eternal bliss involves practising with the fretsaw?

But of course, when embarking on the part to enlightenment, you should not let the fact that the Chevalier is an entirely fictional character – living only in the imagination of writer Trevor Zahra and his latest publication Bizzilla – put you off.

After all, if Nanna Ġenoveffa (another well-loved Zahra creation) and the likes of Homer Simpson and Archer can get away with it, why not the chevalier?

Your mission as writer is to...?

May I point out that I’m not just a common writer but I’m something far more consequential: I’m an opinionist. I’m a preacher. I’m a torch bearer in this era of total darkness. When I decided to commit my thoughts to paper I followed in the footsteps of the four evangelists, when they decided to pass down to us the teachings of Our Lord. Verba volant, scripta manent.

Try picking up smoking and fretwork as therapy and hobby. These two virtues brought me unfathomable pleasures in life

If you could have dinner with three people who would they be and why?

First and foremost, I would choose my dear old Uncle Tumas, God rest his soul. He was the one who introduced me to the sublime art of the fretsaw (l-arkett). He was a great, modest artist in his own right. Then I might choose President Barack Obama because I believe he would be interested in my ideas. I was always given a cold shoulder by my fellow countrymen, but I’m sure that great minds will recognise my true worth. Lastly, I would like to have dinner with the new Pope. I’ve got a very long list of suggestions ready for him. A dinner with me would be as beneficial to him as the Last Supper.

Who should be the new PN leader?

If I hadn’t always been Labour at heart I would without hesitation submit my nomination. I have many friends within the PN who respect me and know that I could inject new life into their party. But honestly, I don’t see any personalities possessing the charm and charisma of the past leaders. At this stage, even Żarenu tal-Ajkla will do.

The thing you love most about Malta is...?

Just like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, I would say: tradition! We are blessed with great and sacred traditions. Our forefathers lived a tranquil life because they held fast to their traditions. Without our traditions we’d be as shaky as … as … Cyprus!

And the thing you hate most.

Arrogance. I hate people who, while possessing very little knowledge, believe they could voice an opinion on everything; people who want to impose their beliefs on others. Malta is infested with such vermin.

Describe Maltese politics in one sentence.

I could describe it in one word: tribal!

What is your advice to the new PL government?

I’m really happy that you asked me for such advice. I always worshipped (and still do) the greatest leader of all times: Dom Mintoff. So my advice to the new PL government would be: Try to walk in his shoes. Whenever you are faced with insurmountable problems – as you will no doubt be time and again – ask yourselves: “What would Mintoff have done in such circumstances?”

I’m sure that the spirit of Dom will furnish you with the correct answers. Pray to him to grant you his guidance and protection. He will shower you with blessings and success because you are his legitimate family. And I also offer you my services whenever prayers fail.

And what about those pesky utility bills? How would you reduce them if it were up to you?

In the manifesto I published when I contested the 1981 general election as an independent candidate, I devised an ingenious plan as to how Malta could produce free energy. I can’t go into details in such limited space, but to put it in a nutshell, my plan proposes pumping sea water up to Dingli Cliffs by means of wind farms and then letting it loose in the form of a gigantic waterfall, thus creating hydroelectricity. Wasn’t I ahead of my time, presenting such ideas more than 30 years ago?

Arriva buses are a device that the devil came up with in order to trap more souls. True or false and why?

Yes, very true, because even a fervent Christian like myself, found himself using language that would make a sailor blush! I miss those old, robust, colourful buses that where synonymous with Malta more than the prickly pears and the luzzu.

Your favourite hi-tech gadget is...?

My old Imperial typewriter passed on to me by dear Uncle Tumas. I do have a computer and use it every now and then (because I’m a vulnerable man and sometimes succumb to persistent temptations), but when the muse hits me, I always turn to my faithful typewriter. Its continuous clicking simulates the rhythm of my heart and gives me inspiration.

Your message to The Sunday Times of Malta readers for a better life?

Try picking up smoking and fretwork as therapy and hobby. These two virtues brought me unfathomable pleasures in life. Read my essays on these subjects in my new book, and I promise you’ll be converted.

For your next book you will...?

I shall monitor the progress (or otherwise) of the new PL government and in due course will publish my assessment and suggestions. At this point I’ll just tell them: “Beware! Chev. John Giordimaina will be on the lookout!”

The author of Bizzilla is Trevor Zahra and the book is available through Merlin Publications and from leading bookstores.