Some book suggestions

Tucked away at the bottom of an article in The Times last week was a precious gem of a news item which made me titter in my breakfast bowl.

Minister Mallia, who seems to be fast becoming an expert of impromptu visits, could take his act a step further to make it more fun, and carry a copy of A Devil in Disguise

The anecdote talked of yet another ministerial surprise visit, this time at the ID Cards section of Evans Building in Valletta. When Home Affairs Minister Manuel Mallia dropped by, he found an unsuspecting receptionist slouching at his desk. This is, more or less, what happened next:

Man slouched in chair: “Yes, ħi?”

Minister: “I’d like to speak to the director.”

Man slouched in chair: “Nah. He’s on leave.”

Minister: “Then can I speak to his deputy?”

Man slouched in chair: “Nah. He’s on leave too.”

Minister: “Well, can I speak to anyone who’s in charge?”

Man slouched in chair: “Yeah. Who shall I tell him you are?”

Minister: “It’s Minister Manuel Mallia.”

Man stopped slouching in chair, became palest man on earth.

Man became frantic man, whizzing about knocking on all the doors to announce the Minister’s presence.

Minister: “I can knock on the doors myself.”

Man still pale and flustered: “No, no please, allow me.”

Seeing as it’s World Book Day next Tuesday, I thought of recommending a couple of choice books to the receptionist while he recovers from his shock.

He could start off with The Posture Doctor: The Art and Science of Healthy Posture, move on to How to Greet Strangers, then Mind the Gaffe, The Man Who Risked it All, and A Trap So Tender. Moreover it is imperative that from now on, in his desk drawer, he keeps a copy of a pictorial Who’s Who 2013.

Minister Mallia, who seems to be fast becoming an expert of impromptu visits, could take his act a step further to make it more fun, and carry a copy of A Devil in Disguise, which he can hand to clueless workers at the end of above like exchanges (accompanied by dramatic laughter).

The Prime Minister’s visit to his old school last week also inspired some book titles. The Jesuits, kindly (or unkindly) dusted out the yearbooks and old albums to show all and sundry some old photos of Joseph Muscat’s younger self.

In one of the St Aloysius photos, a teen Muscat was wearing a paisley grey shirt with a white tie combo. Now we all know he has since embraced baby blue for ties, but just in case he’s tempted to let nostalgia take over, we’d better drop by a couple of books on the Castille steps. Something like: What Not to Wear; White Tie Tales: A Collection of After-Dinner Stories and The Mullet – Hairstyle of the Gods. I tried searching for ‘Never Let Your Wife See the Old Photos of You: She’ll Pick on You for the Rest of Your Life’, but no such title seems to be in print as yet.

Last week we also had Health Minister Godfrey Farrugia with his little emotional outburst when he mentioned how much he misses his day job as a general practitioner. Tears fell down and he struggled to recompose himself as he talked about two little girls who can’t understand why he won’t be their doctor anymore.

To which I say: Do not worry Minister, it happens to the best of us, as the loads of books on the topic attest, but here’s a few selected reads: The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings are Trying to Tell You, Why Humans Like to Cry: Tragedy Evolution and the Brain, Men Cry in the Dark and How to Release Your Trapped Emotions for Abundant Health, Love and Happiness.

These self-help books will help the minister overcome his little public outburst; then when the reality sinks in, he can move on to The Politician’s Essential Excuse Book: Remedies for When What You Meant to Say is What You Actually Said.

His partner Marlene Farrugia, whose first husband Jeffrey Pullicino Orlando also was prone to a spot to public tears, could in the meantime dig into The Woman Who Made Men Cry.

Some book advice also goes to Gozitans who last week were left with no ‘reel’ choice as their only cinema closed down.

The table book The Great Movies can help ease the pain, but if that’s too salt-in-the-wound, they could read The Hidden Cinema or else stock up on 101 Things to Do Before You’re Old and Boring.

Meanwhile, birds tempted to fly past Malta these two weeks ought to catch up on Hunters’ Rage and Birds of a Lesser Paradise. They might still make it through safe and sound, as hunters this year are believed to be absorbed in copies of Birds Without Wings and Birds in a Cage.

Happy World Book Day.

Note: Real books were used in the making of this column.

Twitter: @KrisChetcuti