Taking hold of our lives

Today’s increased opportunities have brought on more competitiveness, and the cutthroat society we live in has made stress a part of life. But psychotherapist Mariella Dimech tells Stephanie Fsadni we have choices and stress can be managed. The good news is it can also be prevented.

An overambition to be successful in life and the perennial effort to keep up with the Joneses are main causes of stress in modern society. And Malta’s small size may only augment these stress factors, according to psychotherapist Mariella Dimech.

When women realised their potential, they brought more stress upon themselves

“We’re a cutthroat society; there is a lot of competition and a limited amount of opportunities,” she says.

The situation may not have been so bleak up to a couple of decades ago.

“There seems to be a larger number of people who want to be successful. For example, more people are attending university, which is a positive thing, but they are automatically increasing their chances of suffering from stress,” asserts Ms Dimech, who has some 25 years’ experience in the field.

However, stress is not only linked to academic qualifications.

“When it comes to ‘making it’ in life, it is not just what you know, but it’s how you sell yourself. If you don’t have personality and emotional intelligence, you’re bound to suffer.”

Feelings of stress can start from a very young age: “Children are growing up in a materialistic world and they’re continuously comparing themselves to peers. They always want what the other person has.”

The media does not help either, and it affects children and adults alike.

“Forty to 50 years ago, the media was very limited. We only had Maltese TV and a few Italian channels and we did not identify with what we saw on screen.

“Nowadays, people want to identify with what’s on the internet, all the foreign channels, magazines, films... There is this craving to be successful and to belong...”

Ms Dimech maintains that stress does not have anything to do with character, but depends more on one’s upbringing or experiences in life.

“We all have different stressors, independent of whether one has a strong or weak character. On the other hand, some people are really affected by how they were brought up.”

She gives the example of a young woman who goes about trying to find love and security by striving to be sexy at all times, which can cause undue stress.

“That would probably be a reflection of her mother’s teachings or example, but it’s definitely not the right way to achieve love.”

As regards the family unit, the role of the mother and father has changed over the years as both parents are working nowadays.

“When women realised their potential, they brought more stress upon themselves as they did not let go of their other responsibilities, such as motherhood and relationships and their need to look good,” says Ms Dimech.

At the same time, man has had to adapt to the needs of the woman and her newfound independence. “Thus, besides still feeling great responsibility towards his family as the main breadwinner – something which is deeply ingrained in our culture and will take years to change – he has had to learn to give a helping hand at home and with the children.”

So, both parents have become overloaded, and this often results in stress, which leads to fighting, feelings of being misunderstood and impatience.

Stress can also seriously affect one’s health, emotions and relationships.

“When it becomes chronic, it can result in depression, anxiety, feeling physically unwell and burnt out,” explains Ms Dimech.

“Your potential is lessened drastically... thinking skills slow down, the creative aspect becomes limited and the level of tolerance changes. Another possible consequence is overeating or not eating.”

Ms Dimech says that most often, however, it is us who choose to be overloaded. So it is important to ask ourselves a very basic question: why?

“At the end of the day, we have choices. Once I admit to choosing, I am taking responsibility for my actions and that’s a major step in the right direction.”

Stress can be managed; but, first of all, we need to be aware of what is driving us in a particular direction.

“If we just say we are going to stop working so hard, we are bound to fail because we do not understand what is urging us,” says Ms Dimech. “We must be self-aware... I often meet people who are genuinely unaware of why they are so stressed out.”

The next step is to think about how we are trying to achieve our aspirations.

“The problem very often is not what we want to achieve but the way we go about it. While we strive to reach this sense of fulfilment, our goal sometimes blinds us into not realising that the process is self-defeating,” she claims.

Ms Dimech, who has dedicated herself to “empowering people to live a better life”, thus suggests to: stop and think about what you want; look at what is driving you, including your values; and prioritise, by seeing what is most important to you and how you are trying to achieve that.

“It is then that we can look at the triggers of stress in our lives and try to shift course,” she adds.

The good news is that stress can be prevented altogether. Ms Dimech says parents have an important role to play in fostering a healthier, stress-free society.

“Parents should consider the way they are bringing up their children. Are they teaching them how to relax? Are they raising a society that knows how not to be stressed?”

On an individual level, we must be aware of what motivates us to be in a particular situation and, if necessary, take some time out to assess how we are living and “create a better balance”.

Ms Dimech emphasises that we also need to enjoy life: “All work and no play literally makes Jack a dull boy. We need to have fun, laugh... love and feel loved. Very often, we forget about these basic things in this fast life.”