Babymoons are hot at the moment. Everywhere you look, there’s another celebrity parading their gargantuan belly in a bikini.

The idea of a babymoon sounds so idyllic; a last chance to walk on the beach hand in hand sans tantrums, drink (virgin) cocktails unmolested and talk for longer than three seconds without being interrupted by a small, squalling offspring. I totally bought into the hype and went on a babymoon not once, but twice.

It was disastrous on both occasions. With baby one, we travelled to Australia on a trip we’d booked before I became pregnant. The flight was a living hell of bad backs and obscenely swollen feet. And on arrival, instead of checking into a comfy hotel to recuperate, I went straight to hospital with pregnancy complications which were to blight the rest of the trip, adding to the bouts of intense irritability about the heat, the company (my unfortunate husband and family), the annoying kamikaze kangaroos on the road and pretty much everything else in between. I have never been so glad to get back to Malta.

The second time, we tried a more moderate trip to the Channel Island of Jersey, imagining our, by now, two-year-old frolicking in the surf while I reclined my hippoesque form on the picture-perfect beaches. But the ferry intensified the morning sickness so acutely that I had to stay on deck in the freezing winds to avoid repeatedly losing my lunch. I caught cold and consequently spent much of the trip suffering from an exhaustion so profound that it was difficult to get out of bed, let alone out of the hotel. After that, I swore off babies and babymoons both.

But don’t let that put you off! Babymoons are hot at the moment. Everywhere you look, there’s another celebrity parading their gargantuan belly in a bikini. In retrospect, I feel that the key is to pick your trimester and location perfectly.

The first three months are out due to sickness, fatigue and the fact that you look like you overdid it on the cakes, rather than being glowingly pregnant. The last three to four are also a no-no because you really don’t want to go into premature labour in a local Jamaican clinic. That leaves you with the narrow window between months three to five to soak up the sun and calm the pangs of panic about the impending arrival.

As for where to go, your criteria should be as follows: no unpronounceable tropical diseases or malaria; no flights longer than about five hours or interminable journeys once you arrive; good hospital facilities because complications do arise; no obscenely hot temperatures; and lastly, somewhere you can both relax, have fun and enjoy each other’s company in a way that is about to become a distant memory, at least for a while (there are compensations, I promise). These babymoon destinations should fit the bill:

Bonjour Maman

www.baby-moon.eu has a package to the Hilton Evian-les-Bains in France. In the fresh air between Geneva and the French Alps, this ultra modern, crisply clean spa will indulge you, your other half and the bump with Tibetan treatments and Japanese baths.

Three nights in the aptly named Junior Suite, a mother and father-to-be massage and unlimited access to the Buddha-Bar Spa costs from €1,044 and should hopefully leave you with unswollen feet and far too blissed out to be irritable.

Venetian Venus

Italy has pasta, pizza and ice cream in generous amounts, possibly the perfect pregnancy diet. In romantic Venice, you don’t even need to waddle around much as you can go by gondola or vaporetto. The Luna Hotel Baglioni have got onto the babymoon boat with a two-night package in a deluxe room including breakfast, a gift for expectant mothers (a nanny would be top of my list), a ‘natural, fruit-based cocktail’, a one-hour massage in the room and an optimistic class with the chef on how to cook something that kids will actually eat. Prices start at €870. www.baglionihotels.com

A Royal Holiday

Kate and William relaxed on the Caribbean island of Mustique with the future King or Queen of England in utero. They flew to Barbados, then connected on to this exclusive island, a long flight but presumably not one spent in cattle class.

Their villa was reputed to cost over €20,000 a week. You could emulate them for less though at the Cotton House (www.cottonhouse.net). The resort has a daily celebration rate of around €600 a night, which includes transfers, breakfast and a three-course dinner, welcome champagne and canapés, a massage, rental of a cart to explore the island and an invitation to the Weekly Island Cocktail Party. And with the island a favourite royal haunt, you might catch a glimpse of a new royal baby later in the year.

Walk it out

If you’re experiencing a surge of energy in the second trimester, it’s worth considering a walking holiday. Walking is good exercise for pregnant women and one of those activities which, post-children, suddenly becomes a bit more complicated as you load up with nappies, wipes, bottles of milk which leak insidiously into the rucksack and, of course, a wriggly infant.

www.headwater.com has a week’s walking holiday in the heart of Portugal. Accommodation is in the converted Convento de Belmonte, where each room has a private terrace and there’s access to a lovely swimming pool. From there, you’ll strike out on different paths through the magnificent mountains, glacial cirques and whitewashed villages.

The walking is leisurely to moderate, so a reasonably fit pregnant woman should be able to keep up easily, plus there’s help on hand just in case anything does go wrong. Contact Headwater for prices.