Just recently, when I received the Earth-shattering news that Valletta was to acquire a cultural ambassador – and his name was Peter Andre, my first reaction was to ask: Peter who?
What about Floriana councillors making all the people who have given concerts on the Fossos cultural ambassadors for their village
It was quickly explained to me that he was the one-time appendage of glamour model and reality TV ‘star’ Katie – Jordan – Price. So did this qualify him for cultural ambassadorial duties? Well, apparently yes!
In fairness, I have since learnt that he has had some sort of a career of his own as a pop singer, although a somewhat third-division one at that. But cultural ambassador?
Not that I’ve got anything against the guy, you understand. I mean... if he could pull a chick like Jordan he’s obviously got something going for him... even if it is all below the waist.
But I repeat... cultural ambassador? I really don’t think so.
On the other hand, if we really are setting our cultural standards so low, why stop with an erstwhile rocker? Why not some other transient ‘personalities’ who have passed fleetingly through immigration control at Malta International Airport?
By all accounts, the only contact Mr Andre had with our capital city comprised two visits to the Mediterranean Conference Centre, once for a sound-check and rehearsal, the other for the actual performance. Hardly solid credentials for someone hired by Valletta local council to blag up the city’s charms.
But if Valletta is to have its own cultural ambassador, why not other towns and villages in Malta and Gozo. For instance, my own neck of the woods, Rabat and Mdina. And – since Mdina is known as the silent city I reckon we should nominate a mime artist to be our cultural whatsit.
Trouble is... the only well-known mime I know of – or rather, knew of – is – was – Marcelle Marceau, the great French mime. But since he’s been dead for the past five-and-a-half years, I don’t think he’d be a lot of use in promoting the charms of Mdina.
Paceville should also have some sort of ambassador, although I’m not sure the prefix ‘cultural’ is entirely appropriate. Given the blossoming notoriety of that area’s bouncers it might be a good idea to appoint someone who enjoys a bit of a punch-up now and again; so why not the rapper Snoop Dog... he’s even actually visited Malta – albeit very briefly.
And what about Gozo? Maybe someone could persuade Mr Andre’s extremely well-endowed ex, Jordan to do the job. Not exactly keeping it in the family, but at least her silicone-induced bazoomahs could symbolise two of the island’s three hills, but I rather think the cultural side of the deal might just be a step too far for the lady.
And if we’re going to lumber Gozo with an inappropriate cultural thingy... what about Comino. No, I don’t know of any star ‘personalities’ who have spent even five minutes there.
But hang on... I think most people will have heard of the French actor Gerard Depardieu – and while I don’t believe he has ever been within a dozen miles of Comino (or Malta, for that matter), in 1993 his brother Alain spent several months on the islet producing a French language feature film.
And while I grant you that is a somewhat tenuous, not to say frivolous association with Comino, I contend it is no more obscure than the connection Mr Andre has with our capital city.
So if we’re playing the ‘adopt a star for your village’ game, we can take this thing to obvious and ever more ludicrous lengths.
What about Floriana councillors making all the people who have given concerts on the Fossos cultural ambassadors for their village. They could have one a month... January it’s Elton John, February: Tina Turner, March: Lady Gaga, and so on,
No, the whole thing is too, too silly for words, and after the Andre debacle the least we should expect is that the entire Valletta council should hang their heads in shame and then resign en masse.