Whenever I find myself having to explain to people why I’m attaching myself neither to the PN nor the PL bandwagon, I am always faced with scepticism. Actually, scepticism is the best-case scenario – the nastier ones among you usually accuse me of sitting on the fence.

Reality is different and mostly revolves around the fact that I’m fed up of being fed bull by both main parties. I appreciate that politics is, of necessity, a sleazy affair. That ambiguous promises are part and parcel of any self-respecting electoral manifesto. That mud-slinging is integral to any campaign.

With a bit of goodwill I can accept all the above. If only it weren’t for this rather irritating habit that both parties have developed, that of treating the whole electorate like flipping idiots. Judging by some of the, ahem, persuasive techniques they’re opting for, they really believe that all voters are one vote short of a sealed ballot box.

They are wrong, of course. It is true that the collective mammal otherwise known as “the voters” can behave like perfect dolts on occasion. Sometimes it feels like all you need to do to watch someone kiss away their I.Q. is hand them a party flag, plonk them bang in the middle of some mass meeting and let the crowd instinct take over.

But I like to think that once we’re in the voting booth, common sense prevails (sometimes). Which is why I don’t get the point of the petty vitriol that both main parties are unleashing on each other – much less the “let’s promise the whole universe and hope they don’t notice we can’t deliver” route that is lately very much in evidence. You’re not fooling anyone.

So, my top bugbears:

The one where they think we’re gullible fools – you know, such as when PL promise jobs to “every single school-leaver in the country”. I don’t think I’ve seen this on the actual electoral programme but they have been blurting it out in a good number of print campaigns. How exactly are they guaranteeing a job to every single school-leaver? By paying them a salary for doing jack? For “paying them a salary”, read “using the tax money that you and I are forced to pay every month”. No, I don’t think we’re falling for that one thank you.

Not that PN are much better, mind you. After all, their electoral programme does include the following gem: “if you are under the age of 25 or have been registering for work for 5 years, or if you are over 45 years old and have lost your job, we encourage you to start your own business.”

You don’t say? Never mind that those who fit at least the last two conditions are very unlikely to be the best people to come up with a solid business plan. Also, a hint to whoever did the copy-writing – ‘persons’ is not a word. What you’re after is ‘people’.

The one where ambiguity is the name of the game – PN really took the biscuit on this one. The constitution, we have been promised, will be given the long due overhaul. Only problem is, it doesn’t explain exactly how.

Oh wait, yes it does. By changing “the way the structures of the state function” and by “strengthening democracy through the more direct participation of people with the assistance of modern technology”. Anyone care to give me a solid translation? If you manage to squeeze a concrete meaning out of that one I’ll make you coffee.

This proposal is only matched by the PL’s promise to “increase efficiency in government work”. Trust a political party to dangle the carrot that is guaranteed to get everyone drooling.

I mean, which one of us hasn’t dreamed of the day we visit a government department and we get to walk out satisfied in under 30 minutes? But of course, the same question I posed to the PN officials applies equally well here: how exactly are we reaching this nirvana? By firing those whose efficiency output is even less than that of my dog? By enforcing discipline? By offering training? By giving everyone pep talks? You can see why I remain unconvinced, right?

The one where it’s already been done – “Working so that Malta strengthens its position within the European Union, immediate preparation for the EU 2017 Presidency, improving and strengthening relations with countries outside the EU.”

This just in from the PL. Really, guys? You want to take that road after all the anti-EU propaganda that you shoved down our throats only a few years back? Doesn’t an electoral proposal become somewhat redundant if the opposing party already achieved it yonks ago despite your best efforts to ensure its failure? Moving on...

PN manage to match the ridiculousness of this proposal by introducing the concept of “guaranteed human rights for everyone”. Hello? Wasn’t this precisely the point of ratifying the European Convention of Human Rights, effectively making it part of our laws?

Fine, the proposal continues by explaining that said rights will become part of our constitution. Some legal beagle will undoubtedly crop up and explain exactly why this will make it simpler for Tom, Dick and Harry to obtain legal redress in case of violation of rights. And they’d be correct, because it would eliminate all the faffing around in the court-rooms.

But for Pete’s sake, don’t dress it up to sound like we’re getting a superior set of human rights or something, when this is simply a matter of a procedural amendment. Implement equal rights for minorities and then I’ll be really impressed.