Joanne Cocks comes to grips with the Adlerian approach to parenting. Specialist in Adlerian psychology and educator Joyce Callus tells her being a parent means helping children to discover and develop their potential to help them survive and thrive in the kind of society they live in.

Well-behaved, angelic children are every parent’s dream. But the reality can be quite another story, and often, parents complain that their kids are “nothing like us”.

Children learn that parents are not people to lean on, but people who make leaning unnecessary

They feel they were much more obedient and that there was no way they would have spoken to their parents in the same way their children speak to them.

But educator Joyce Callus, talking from an Adlerian psychology point of view, believes it is not fair to generalise, or compare today’s children with those of past generations, when both family and school life were very different.

For Adlerians, people need to be understood in their social context. Parenting means helping children to discover and develop their potential to help them thrive and survive in the kind of society they live in.

“Up to some 30 years ago, the significant persons in a child’s life were the parents, the teacher and the priest, and the word children heard very often was ‘obey’,” Ms Callus says.

Today, children are encouraged to think for themselves, ask questions and explore. They are bombarded by technology and are growing up in a totally different world. So it is important for their parents and guardians to catch up with them through courses and research.

A human brain takes up to 17 years to develop, with the first six being very important, as they form the basic beliefs and perceptions about self, others and the world.

Rudolf Dreikurs, an American psychiatrist and educator, wrote: “Children learn what they live.” Their daily experiences are their school. For example, children learn to trust themselves and others in their very early years. They want to learn everything, and it is important for adults to encourage this, drawing the line when they realise they can get hurt.

“We carry our childhood throughout life. Very often, when it comes to parenting, we either copy our parents, or do the opposite, depending on our interpretation of the parenting style experienced,” Ms Callus says.

Three important developmental stages in a child’s life are between birth and five years old, primary school age and adolescence. Each stage is different. And when we have unrealistic age-appropriate expectations from a child, it might result in discouragement.

Children can think and feel. If we listen to them more, we can learn a lot

Ms Callus does not agree with punishing a child, especially since “punishments are teaching children how to hurt others”. Parents need to avoid getting into power struggles with their children. Applying positive discipline teaches them to assume responsibility for their behaviour and shoulder the consequences of their choices or, in other words, accountability! The result is often discipline without tears.

When it comes to leisure time, on the other hand, some children’s programmes and cartoons are instilling in them a certain amount of violence. “A child is too young to make the right choice and parents need to be on the lookout to avoid this and offer positive educational alternatives,” Ms Callus believes.

According to psychologist Alfred Adler, conditional rewards are a “bribe and the perfect way to teach our children how to become corrupt”. Promising a child a bar of chocolate for picking up his toys is shifting the focus from becoming responsible to working for a reward.

“It might also lead to what is called conditional love. But children deserve unconditional love. This can also make them dependent on others to feel good about themselves and their efforts,” Ms Callus argues.

Unlike what many parents think, children, especially those in their early years, need a daily dose of encouragement instead of praise. “A child needs encouragement as a plant needs sunshine and water,” according to Dreikurs.

“Praise is focusing on the end result, while encouragement focuses on the child’s efforts and responsibility. We are not teaching children intrinsic satisfaction,” Ms Callus explains, adding that this is resulting in children with a very low self-esteem.

“In my long career as an educator, I’ve met children who knew their stuff, but blanked out when spoken to, or in exams. This shows us that something hinders them,” she insists, adding that discouraging words like “naughty” and “stupid” should never be said to children.

“What every child needs is to feel loved and have a sense of belonging. Love and punishments do not go together.

“We also have to realise that very young children don’t do anything maliciously wrong. They do not have the maturity or knowledge to make right decisions. They make mistakes all the time and so they need teachers all the time.

“Parents are the first teachers and need to model what they would like to see in their children,” Ms Callus says passionately. Understanding the message behind a child’s ­negative behaviour is the first step in redirecting negative goals.

Dreikurs identified four goals of behaviour. Very young children usually go through two, attention being the first: They try to get it in a positive or negative way, and sometimes they realise that when they do the opposite of what is expected of them, they get more attention.

Punishments are teaching children how to hurt others

The second goal of behaviour is power. In Adlerian terms, this refers to power over oneself. This is ­growing up and increases a child’s self-esteem. Children learn that parents are not persons to lean on, but are persons who make leaning unnecessary.

“Children can think and feel. If we listen to them more, we can learn a lot. They don’t know what it means to be a parent, but for them, parents come first,” Ms Callus says, adding that love is not bought in shops, but is an experience.

“Children want to be loved, but sometimes adults have a funny way of expressing it.”

Tips to bring up children in the right direction

• Ignore temper tantrums. Tell children you cannot understand what they are saying when they cry, but that they can cry if they want to. When they stop crying, pick them up, wipe their face and ask them to explain why they were crying.

• Always listen to a child.

• Give children their own space and convey your feelings.

• Try to help them develop their emotional intelligence.

• Give children responsibilities. Rights and responsibilities should be on the same lines.

• Never give up the role of a parent as there is no substitute.

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