When elderly parents become frail and in need of the care of their own children, a Pandora’s Box of mixed emotions and anxiety is often opened up for both. Dignity care manager Neville Zammit explains how the adult child can be a good parent to his parents, highlighting the red flags to look out for in this reversal of roles, which sees the natural family order altered.
Many people struggle with finding the ideal way of caring for their ageing parents. When elderly parents become frail and are in need of care from their children, this often opens up a Pandora’s box of mixed emotions and anxiety for the elderly loved one as well as the adult child.
The ageing parent may feel the loss of independence, dignity and authority of the past, while the adult child may lose the security that parents provide
For many, the reversed role of parenthood comes as unexpected and feels very strange. When the parent, who has taught us much of what we know and was significant to most of our accomplishments, now needs care, it feels as if the natural family order has been altered. The ageing or ill parent is likely to feel the loss of independence, dignity and the sense of authority that was present in the past. On the other hand, for the adult child, it means losing the sense of security that parents provide us with.
Many of the primary caregivers, who are caring for their elderly loved ones, go through a high level of emotional and physical stress. No one wants to ignore the needs of their elderly parents; nonetheless, we must also consider the needs of the rest of the family. It is more typical for women to assume this role of caregiving, and most of the time, they end up juggling their careers, domestic and family responsibilities, while also caring for two different generations – their children and elderly parents. Such situations are the perfect recipe for an emotional or psychological burnout.
We must, therefore, identify the warning signs that suggest heightened levels of stress. Signs of elevated stress levels may include lack of sleep, self-neglect, increased impatience and feelings of guilt and sadness; so watch out for these red flags. The good news is that there are various coping strategies to lessen the risk and avoid exhaustion.
• Start by giving more consideration to your needs and personal routine. If you don’t take good care of personal needs, you may find yourself physically and emotionally unable to provide your loved ones with the level of care they deserve and you wish to give. Make a list of the little things that you enjoy doing and make it a point to actually do them once in a while, to reward yourself for the excellent work you are carrying out with your elderly parent. Find time for a regular exercise routine and other leisure activities. Everyone lives busy lives, so it does take some extra effort to find the time to take care of yourself, but it is worthwhile investing in your individual needs to ensure you are less stressed and more content.
• Be aware of your limitations and come to terms with what your caregiving duties include; understand that it is not always possible to do it all by yourself. You may be hesitant to ask for help from others; this may be for various reasons, such as knowing how challenging it is to care for someone, and as a result you don’t want others to face the same troubles. Or, you may be uncomfortable with the idea of having strangers caring for your loved ones. This often results in many adult children, who act as caregivers for their elderly parents, taking on more than they can handle. But there comes a point when you can take no more, and to avoid this from happening, you will have to share your workload. Ask family and friends to give a helping hand, or if necessary, a caregiving service provider to offer you some respite for a couple of days per week.
• It is also important to learn as much as possible about your parent’s health conditions and elderly care issues. Finding a good educational source will not only help you understand more their situation, but it will also make you aware of any changes that you might encounter along the way, consequently lessening any worries and anxiety. Being aware of your elderly loved one’s situation will also prove to be essential when planning ahead your parents’ care.
• Also consider any legal issues and documentation that need to be dealt with. Although many avoid mentioning this subject with the rest of their family and siblings due to its uncomfortable nature, it is recommended to sort out any details so as to avoid surprises and worries later on. Such legal issues may include financial planning and power of attorney; this way, one can keep record of how your loved one’s finances are being spent to provide them with the required quality care and necessities. Have your parent provide you with a list of where to find all legal and medical documents to ensure you have everything required at hand. You should also consider checking if your parent qualifies for any Government health benefits, as this is determined on a case-by-case basis, depending upon the individual’s medical conditions.
It is understandable that caring for and parenting your elderly parent can prove to be a challenge, but in reality, it can also be a blessing in disguise. The satisfaction of knowing that you are providing your parent with the best care possible, whether by yourself or with the help of a professional caregiver, is in itself rewarding.
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