Yet again, Sylvanus gazes into his crystal balls (You can never have too many crystal balls) and tells the world what definitely will (or possibly will not) happen in the Maltese islands in 2013:

January:

The Irish branch of the De la Vallette family insists that the real name of the former Grand Master should be: Jean Parisot de la O-Vallette

With the General Election date confirmed as March 9, Franco Debono announces that he will be contesting the election after all, but on behalf of PL. (surprise, surprise.)

An Arriva route bus actually arrives at a bus stop on time. The driver is promptly fired.

The PL publishes its electoral manifesto. It comprises 32 completely blank A5 pages. It’s what’s known politically as... keeping your cards close to your chest.

The judiciary further implodes as yet another judge is arrested. The judge is charged with accepting bribes, peddling dope, usury, racketeering and... wearing women’s underwear beneath his robes.

February:

Transport Malta vigorously defends its decision to site a bus stop slap bang in the middle of the Santa Venera bypass, stating: “We are only concerned with the convenience of bus drivers, this is far more important than regulating efficient traffic flow.”

In the hope of getting a free cruise, at the last siting no fewer than 165 pensioners were spotted waving at arriving and departing cruise ships.

Franco Debono publishes his first book: The School Reports of Franco Debono, Form Four, Għaxaq Primary. It becomes an instant bestseller... in Għaxaq Primary.

March:

Labour wins the general election by just one seat... Franco’s!

Lawrence Gonzi resigns as PN leader and – to nobody’s surprise – Simon Busuttil is elected to succeed him.

In the new PL government Franco Debono becomes Minister of Personal Excellence and Labour whip.

In the local council elections Cyrus Engerer is elected mayor of Mellieħa and promptly declares the town the gay capital of Malta.

After Transport Malta receives a staggering 7,298 complaints about the bus service, Arriva announces that it has another ‘action plan’ to tackle and rectify all remaining problems.

April:

Inevitably, after gaining power Joseph Muscat tells the nation that since the economic situation in the country is so much worse than he had ever imagined, he will not now be able to reduce utility rates... instead he is doing the next best thing and doubling them.

Rachel Vella spontaneously caramelises, live on prime-time TV.

A court case that has awaited judgment in the First Hall of the Civil Court for 62 years is finally settled in favour of the plaintiff. Sadly, both plaintiff and accused have obviously long since died.

May:

May 1: Joseph Muscat bans all political, private and religious broadcasting outlets and fires all One TV and radio employees.

May 2: Joseph Muscat sacks all TVM and Radju Malta employees and replaces them with former employees of One TV and radio... Plus ça change!

The Luqa roundabout ‘artistic’ phallus is to be converted into a fountain.

The new Labour government decides to rename the Pjazza De Vallette – Pjazza Mintoff: And to replace De Vallette’s statue with one of the erstwhile Prime Minister.

Malta decides not to compete in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest because of cost and national humiliation considerations. As a result, the Samaritans hotline in Malta is jammed with suicidal callers.

June:

Sensation: In a shock turn of events, the EU Commissioner for Health and Consumer Affairs Tonio Borg tests positive for snuff.

Prime Minister Joseph Muscat announces that, to ensure efficiency and keep costs to a minimum, he will be reintroducing a bulk-buying scheme for all essential foodstuffs and construction materials.

After Transport Malta receives 8,765 complaints from the public about the bus service, the even newer CEO of Arriva announces that it has yet another ‘Action plan’ in hand to tackle and rectify the ‘few’ remaining problems.

July:

Air Malta posts a record half-yearly profit. The Labour government claims the credit, then promptly fires the foreign CEO – and appoints a trusted party minion instead.

An illegal fireworks factory blows up in the middle of Paceville. Nobody is hurt, but one bouncer chips a fingernail.

Yana Mintoff launches her first book: One Hundred and One Things to do with a Horse Turd.

Maltastar announces it is soon going to bring out an edition of its website in the English language... ahem.

August:

The European Court of Human Rights rules in favour of Unifaun and decrees that Stitching may now be staged in Malta, but... with a 12-year-old age limit. In other words – it can be seen only by people 12 years and under.

The application to rebuild the Paceville fireworks factory is opposed by Paceville residents but supported by every other resident of Malta over the age of 25.

In the wake of the recent tour by The Rolling Stones, the surviving members of two local bands from the 1060s, The Malta Bums and The Boys, reform to play gigs around Malta and Gozo. Only now they are calling themselves: The Sagging Bums and The Geriatrics.

September:

The Prime Minister decrees that the importation of all foreign-made chocolate and toothpaste is henceforth banned. And – since the country still has almost bottomless supplies of locally produced Deserta chocolate and Mentadent toothpaste (in store since 1987), these would be the only brands permitted to be sold locally.

After failing in his bid to become a Euro MP, Alfred Sant asks if instead he can have observer status on the behalf of the Swiss Socialist party.

The first batch of 20,000 North Koreans arrive to man their embassy and run the drydocks.

The Irish branch of the De la Vallette family insist that the real name of the former Grand Master should be: Jean Parisot de la O-Vallette.

October:

Transport Malta states that during September it received a record 10,433 complaints about the bus service. When contacted, the latest Arriva CEO said: “Although an infinitesimal number of problems remain, we are now running the most efficient bus service on the planet – and in order to correct the tiny number of outstanding niggles, we are to activate an even more radical and far-reaching ‘Action plan’... so there!”

Franco Debono announces that unless Joseph Muscat steps down as Prime Minister (in favour of Franco... naturally) he will vote against the upcoming Budget.

The very first Chinese vegetarian restaurant, Mung Bean Chow Mien, opens in Malta.

For the ‘grand opening’ of the new open-air theatre on the Opera House site, all patrons are being issued with complementary umbrellas, anoraks and plastic macs.

November:

Unifaun announce that it is to present its latest shocker: Bums, Tits and Mens’ Thingies at the St James theatre, described as more shocking, more reveal-ing and more repulsive than anything previously seen in Malta.

Under the new self-censorship regime, the only people barred from entry will be ex-censors, the judiciary, the police and all theatre critics.

Malta slips another 10 places down the World Corruption Index.

The white taxi metering problem continues. After installing bigger batteries in all white taxis to offset the previous problem, still no meters can be installed. The reason this time is given as: “Their presence would cause undue mental stress to the drivers.” Aw diddums!

Daphne Caruana Galizia is to write a weekly column in It-Torċa.

December:

Franco Debono carries out his threat – again – to vote against the PL government’s Budget and condemns the country to another general election in three months’ time.

Transport Malta finally loses patience with Arriva and terminates its contract... but keeps the buses.

Air Malta – under its homegrown CEO – declares bankruptcy and goes out of business.

The men in white coats finally come for Franco.