Mum is reluctant to accept the fact that she needs care and assistance. Many adult children are faced with this reality.

Do not show up with a care worker or with papers ready to be signed. Give them time to think about it. It is natural that the first reaction will be to oppose change

In many instances, elderly parents are reluctant to welcome the idea that they need assistance. This is simply due to the fact that they may feel they are a burden to their family, or they are in denial of their ill-health, even if they know that with the right help they will lead a better quality of life.

Persuading an elderly parent they need care needs patience, and it is also a slow process.

Clinical psychologist Danae Gingell suggests: “Since the subject may be a delicate one, it is important not to be casual about the decision. Having a clear and two-way conversation with the elderly parent may help communicate the benefits for both parent and child.”

Establish why you feel your parent requires care; it may be because you are concerned about their well-being or simply in view of the fact that you cannot keep on juggling between their health and your busy life.

Your family doctor or geriatrician may help identify what types of care are available and which best suits your loved one’s needs. It could either be in-home help with the advantage of more independence for your parent, or residential home care.

Introduce the idea of care gradually; do not immediately show up at your loved one’s home with a care worker or with papers ready to be signed. A family member with good communication skills or an old friend of your parent may help introduce them to the thought of having assistance.

Once you have gathered all the information about the different care options available, take some time to share this with your elderly parent, explaining in detail so that they understand their options.

Give them some time to think about it on their own; it is natural that the first reaction will be to oppose change. Also try to avoid bringing up the subject each time you visit your parent, as this may lead to unnecessary arguments. Keep having regular conversations as you are used to.

It is also important for you to understand the roots of any resistance to care. Ask for specifics as to why they are refusing care and address these concerns accordingly, ensuring that your parents do not feel as though they are a burden to their families, both physically as well as financially.

Share your own worries with your elderly parents, even if they seem to be related to your needs. Do not impose, but rather express your feelings.

Most parents will accept almost any decision once they understand that it will ease their family’s lives and worries. Explain to them how it will be to your benefit, as well as theirs, if they accept care.

Some of the benefits of receiving extra support include having health concerns regularly monitored and providing the elderly person with a social network of peers.

It is crucial to show empathy towards your loved ones, and treat them with dignity since such decisions may increase emotions. Therefore show that you understand their feelings and fears even while making your point.

Many elderly people fear the loss of independence so children should be sensitive to this fact. Children should also bear in mind that the suggestion of extra help may appear to threaten their elderly parents’ perception of themselves as able individuals.

When the parent starts to show interest in the subject, take the opportunity to emphasise more of the advantages, but always suggest that the final decision is theirs to take. Point out all the things that your parent will keep on doing independently, irrespective of someone taking care of them.

Empowering your elderly parent with decision-making will significantly make things easier for all involved and may lessen guilt feelings such decisions might bring.

If the available option is in-home care, suggest that you meet a member of staff to discuss the expected outcomes and what types of care can be offered. If your elderly parent opts for a nursing home, check whether you can visit the facility beforehand so as to make sure that your loved one will feel welcome; one may also consider a trial period.

Children often feel a sense of guilt and many times hold themselves responsible for such decisions. Primary caregivers who seek guidance about this decision often feel less guilt than those who do not, and the more support the child has while making this decision, the more likely they are to limit their own distress.

Providing your parent with the right care and support is the most loving act an adult child can do to their elderly loved one.

Bear in mind that the purpose of providing care for your elderly parent is to their advantage and to help them live a more fulfilling life.

Mr Zammit is a care manager.

nzammit@dignityforlife.com