Now look, I’ve nothing against Tonio Borg, believe me. Lovely guy and I’m sure he’ll make a perfectly adequate EU Commissioner. Honest, straight – some might say too straight, upright, in short... a thoroughly decent bloke.
The screen saver on my home computer is a photo of the manneken pis
But excuse me, are these really the qualities we want in our brand new EU Commissioner for Health?
OK, let me come clean: I am totally and utterly gutted that I was not chosen as Malta’s next EU Commissioner. I stayed home for three whole days, waiting for the call that never came from the Prime Minister. I am so p****d off. I maintain that I could not be better qualified for the job.
Reasons:
1. I am frequently perceived (particularly by Malta Yesterday) as a threat to the Prime Minister’s position. So he should be gagging to get me on a plane and out of the way in Brussels.
2. I am an unacknowledged expert on practically everything you need to know about health matters.
3. I have more dodgy business acquaintances than Al Capone.
4. I know Belgium like the back of my hand (Having once been there on a day trip from Folkestone to Ostend).
5. I own a book entitled Teach Yourself French in an Hour, so the language should be no problem.
6. I love Brussels sprouts.
7. I am prepared to work for the Commissioners’ measly salary of around €250,000 a year... with, obviously the commensurate package, including generous expense account, first-class travel allowance, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
8. I once had a one-night-stand with a barmaid from Bruges.
9. The screen saver on my home computer is a photo of the manneken pis.
10. In the referendum of 2004 I voted in favour of Malta joining the EU.
11. I once bought some mqared from Silvio Zammit.
12. I – or one of my minions – would never dream of demanding €60,000,000 from a Swedish tobacco company... €50,000,000 would be quite sufficient.
13. I’d make absolutely sure I had something incriminating on José Manuel Barroso (even if it wasn’t true) to ensure I would become unsackable.
14. I have never ever made any anti-gay statements... at least not in public.
15. I know absolutely nothing about snus. In fact, I always thought snus was something you did at night, when your head touched the pillow.
So with all due respect to Tonio, I should have been a shoo-in for the job, so – yes, I am bitterly disappointed.
As for my suitability for high office: I have mixed with kings and prime ministers in my time as a cleaner at the Palace in Valletta – and I think I made an impression on everyone I bumped into... depending on how hard I hit them. Some people bruise easier than others.
Then regarding my expertise on all matters concerning health: I recently sat in the Accident and Emergency department of Mater Dei for six-and-a-half hours waiting for a doctor to extract a rizza spine from my left foot.
What I learned in those six-and-a-half hours about all things medical would have stood me in good stead for the post of EU Commissioner for Health.
I have also got extensive experience of the inner – and outer – workings of the Gozo hospital, since I took a wrong turn trying to get out of Victoria and spent a rather unedifying hour-and-a-half driving round and round the b****y hospital grounds in an effort to find a way out.
So I am well qualified to pontificate on the subject on a Europe-wide scale... and a damn sight more qualified than the person chosen to do – what I consider to be – my dream job.
And the powers-that-be in Brussels needn’t worry, the smokers lobby would be delighted with my appointment.
I’d never dream of upsetting a constant stream of valuable EU funding like the tobacco companies provide.
So anyway, I’d just like to let the PM know it’s not too late to change his mind. And I stand ready and able to serve... if not the EU, then certainly myself.