The Egg, the Orange and the Gingerbread man

I don’t know what’s it like in your street, but in mine it feels very much like a full-blown election is taking place today. Every other day, we get canvassers knocking on our door, royally announcing that Their Honourable candidate is doing house visits and can we please roll out the red carpet?

A person’s favourite way of eating eggs can predict their character, their job and even their sex drive- Kristina Chetcuti

So far we’ve had the one who every single day painstakingly jots down all the people who feature on the 8 o’clock TVM news, then counts all the red dots and all the blue dots and kicks up a fuss because the result is not a draw.

Then we had a surgeon, who came in, flicked his hair, gave us a pompous speech at the end of which his eyes welled up with sympathy as he told us that he understood “our plight” (which plight? We hadn’t even opened our mouth). Then he suddenly broke into a grin, handed out his business card, limply shook our hands and trotted off.

Next in line was a tall youngish guy, a “veru bravu” according to his canvasser. The ‘bravu’ told us all about how he lived in England working on some unique world project but was convinced to come back to Malta, for some, erm, door knocking.

Enough already. If they’re to come in our houses, these election candidates need to start abiding by our rules. I suggest that from now on we make them stand for the Egg, the Orange and the Gingerbread man test – a very important personality test, which I coined so that we can swiftly decide on who qualifies for our vote.

We’d just need to be ready at the door, donning a pinny, and a notebook in hand, and greet them with a “How does Sir prefers his eggs?”

For you see, a person’s fa­vourite way of eating eggs can predict their character, their job and even their sex drive, according to the latest research. (Not that we need to know anything about the sex drive, mind).

The British Egg Information Service – established 25 years ago to uphold the values of the fresh British egg – issued some foolproof guidelines as part of the celebrations of Egg Week at the beginning of this month.

Using sophisticating math data processing, the study tells us that:

Poached egg eaters are outgoing and energetic extroverts, have a tendency to wear decorative clothing and prefer upbeat and lively music. Those who prefer boiled eggs are disorganised, with a tendency to be careless and impulsive. Fried egg lovers have a high sex drive, are open to new experiences and are creative, curious and imaginative.

Those who have a penchant for scrambled eggs are more guarded and less open and ambitious. Whereas, omelette eaters are self-disciplined, reliable, well-organised and even live longer.

Get your notebook out and tick The Honourable’s favourite.

Next up is the Orange test. How your future MP peels his orange can tell us a lot. So we need to suss out if they are biters, slicers, peelers or strippers.

If they are biters, the minute you hand out an orange, they will bite the orange skin open and eat the core from its skin. According to psychoanalysts (who work on commission for the red tops) this indicates impulsive and extrovert people: fun, spontaneous, social butterflies, who don’t mind criticism.

If they cut the orange into sections and eat the core from the peel, then they are ‘slicers’, extremely intelligent but cautious introverts. They are direct and often shy but – alarm – they can be insensitive.

If they merely peel off the skin with their nails, ‘peelers’, then they are determined, dependable and a great teamwork players.

‘Strippers’ are those who like to slice the orange skin with a knife and fold it back like a flower to reveal the flesh.

They are meticulous, determined and reflective. They love challen­ges and solving problems.

Once we’re done with the orange, and the answer to that is ticked, we’d come to the final test.

Out come the Gingerbread men. How does your future MP eat the biscuits?

According to a Dunkin Donut survey (ahem), if they bite the head first it means they tend to be aggressive. If they start off with the right arm, they are sceptical and pessimistic. Biting off the left arm first makes them creative and extrovert. If they kick off with the legs, then they are sensitive to the needs of others.

What we need are omelette eaters, who strip their oranges and eat off the gingerbread man from the legs. If these boxes are ticked, then you can pop a party popper, put a party hat on your candidate’s head and assure them that they will be getting your vote.

krischetcuti@gmail.com