I’m not great at numbers—well actually I’m hardly great at anything. But give me figures and stocks and shares and IPOs and I really come a great cropper. So forgive me if I say something silly.

I have no clue what the price of the Facebook (FB) shares is today. I think from a zillion dollars they are now worth a few cents each. But my real worry, more than the present or purchased price of said shares, is that when FB was going public we kept hearing about its 900 million users. And more each day. In fact we do not now christen kids when they pop out—we get them a brand new FB account for everyone to see baby and their first poo and tinkle. Such proud moments, such newsy stuff.

But I have more than this to uncover. If the FB team kept touting this magic near-billion users I can easily prick their bubble and say they deceived their prospective and actual investors. So if there are any Maltese investors or brokers who would like to now sue Mark Zuckerberg and get some of his billions and his pants here’s your chance to do it.

I imagine the only users (of that near billion) who are of any commercial use to FB, their advertisers and their investors are those alive and kicking. Whenever I use FB I get an eerie feeling that I’m being visited by the dead. On FB, as all users know (all the rest are dumb and uninformed), you get a few suggestions regarding “people you may know” and, from my experience, these include people who have moved on to other reality planes, snuffed it—gone, got dead and buried.

So unless people in heaven and hell use FB and are dying to communicate with us then these numbers of deceased users should be subtracted from those magic 900 million users.

Maybe FB’s next public offering will include a new item to entice users: “communicate with the dead”. And the Ouija board will be discarded as anyway it is banned by the Catholic Church and is a bit passé. Will the Bishop of Gozo now tell us to keep off FB as this infernal device dabbles with dead souls?

FLASH NEWS

I’ve just been alerted—I kid not—to become a FB friend of God. Yes our own God—all beard and grave face. So FB rules in heaven. Share price to soar for sure as He gathers His legions of billions. Share God’s photo if you like Him! Now can those silly atheists beat this revelation?