So just what is in a name?

Good question: Why is it that these days so few people have ordinary, straightforward jobs? Or – more likely – the jobs are the same, it’s just their titles that have been pimped up so grossly.

A nightclub was looking for ‘An irregular, (unlicensed) al fresco Paceville pugilist’

We all know the classic conversion from dustman or road sweeper to urban cleansing operative. In fact, the word ‘operative’ has proved extremely valuable to modern day lexicologists and apologists. Another fairly recent addition to the world of employment euphemisms is ‘facilitator’, as in: on-field fair play facilitator... football referee.

But why do they feel the need to do this? From an employee’s point of view it is a means of increasing the perceived importance of the jobsworth worker. But if we look at it through the eyes of the employer it often takes on an infinitely more sinister aspect.

Give a person an inflated job title, such as junior administrative clerical executive... office dogsbody – and he can make this poor employee do any number of jobs – and still claim that they all fall under his original over-inflated job designation. Ergo: three-plus jobs for the price of one.

One of the more ludicrous examples of title tautology or nonsense-speak is the term ‘real estate agent’ for what is actually merely a property sales outlet/person. I mean, how many country estates do you know of on the Maltese islands?

I have long been mildly amused by the pretentiousness of some of these alternative titles – and a quick trawl through newspapers and magazines – and also keeping my ears open when the contestants in The Weakest Link give their professions at the beginning of each show – has turned up some real beauties.

How about this from a Weakest Link competitor, who described his job as: ‘A licensed practitioner of permanent human epidermal enhancement’...a tattooist. Or: ‘A senior information technology disseminator’...a computer programmer.

Some of the better job titles I have come across have actually appeared in the appointments pages of UK broadsheet newspapers – and I admit I’ve been sort of collecting them for a while. I love this one for a job in a UK regional newspaper: ‘An in-house copy scrutiniser and adjuster’...a sub-editor.

Then there was an ad for: ‘An out-of-hours security practitioner’...a watchman (obviously).

And I found it hard to believe that anyone could list the following job in a supermarket thus: ‘A consumer supplies display regulator’...a shelf-stacker.

These inflated job titles often include some wonderfully overblown job descriptions. How about: ‘We are looking for someone uniquely gifted, bursting with enthusiasm and capable of realising the client’s dreams with both vision and practicality.’ Yes sure... it was, of course, an ad for an architect. Ho hum!

And here’s another that ought to be shortlisted for a hyperbole award. A local radio station in south-east England was looking for: ‘A cogent and literate disseminator of relevant and regionally apposite information and facts.’ They were actually seeking anewsreader.

And another one I love: ‘We are looking for an academically high-flying qualified and motivated individual to join our young, eager, thrusting team of standout creative visual imaging experts’...photographer.

Or what about:

Wanted: ‘A junior qualitative and quantitative deputy financial professional’...accountant.

‘An experienced professional dispenser of beverages and comestibles’...barman.

I love the use of the word ‘professional’ here; does it therefore assume that if he were an amateur barman he wouldn’t expect to be paid?

Wanted: ‘A highly qualified and hands-on terpsichoreal practitioner’...dancer.

When my nannu was getting a little difficult for my nanna to manage alone – well, he was pushing 90 – she decided to employ someone to help with his care. So, logically, she advertised for a nurse, but what she ended up with was an advanced geriatric health careprofessional.

Even the most mundane of jobs are being dressed in coats of many hues; what about: ‘A prepared multi-course transit facilitator’...a waiter (naturally).

Or: ‘A designated delivery services operative’...a postman.

And I’m rather fond of: ‘A numerology disseminator and instructor’...a maths teacher.

And here’s one with a local flavour, seen in the window of my local newsagent: A nightclub was looking for: ‘An irregular, (unlicensed) al fresco Paceville pugilist’...a bouncer.

And finally – my all-time favourite: ‘A vehicle contraventions enforcement officer’...What else but... a local warden.