Like an old record, the circle of life continues to spin, surrounding us with the sweet symphony of some grand design. As we dance through life to its medley of tunes, the solo for most of us soon becomes the duet. Love, the great sealer of souls, eventually heaves Cupid’s arrowhead into our hollow hearts, thus making us whole.

If you can ‘do’ Fran in three minutes, consider yourself elite- Matthew Muscat Inglott

However, just like the hero in a bad action movie hurrying through hails of bullets and always emerging miraculously unharmed, some of us seem to remain unscathed by Cupid’s continued onslaught.

My bachelor lifestyle has lured me down the turbulent road of offbeat flirtations for the best part of 10 years now. Indeed, a close friend and unfortunate recipient of many of my sordid stories recently satirically suggested I trade in the exercise and fitness page for a love and lifestyle column, and reinvent myself as a sort of Maltese male mutation of Carrie Bradshaw.

Moving swiftly on, before we discern the cataclysmic implications of some sort of ‘Matty Broadshoulders’ suddenly emerging on the literary scene, single-handedly demeaning local media as a whole, I shall take my first and last tentative steps into this genre by discussing my most devastating liaison to date – my flirtation with Fran.

Fran could, in one sense, be described as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. She appears relatively gentle on the surface but conceals raging tempests beneath. She draws you in with her apparent simplicity, only to fend you off again with her intensity.

You might think that in many ways she is just like any other woman, but until you meet Fran face to face, youwill never quite understand exactly to what extent she is singularly unique.

Underestimate her and she will chew you up and spit you out, leaving you breathless with your heart in your throat. She separates the men from the boys and blurs that infamously fine line between madness and courage, masochism and toughness.

Fran is more than a woman. She is a phantom, a paradigm, an ideal. Fran is… a workout. I have known about Fran for some time, but strangely never previously attempted to tackle her head on. She is one of several workouts known collectively as ‘the nasty girls’, and forms part of the exciting global fitness revolution – Crossfit.

Some say the nasty girls are appropriately named after historical hurricanes, but whatever their origin, a quick Google search will reveal they have since taken on a life of their own.

Fran, in particular, is popularly one of the main ‘benchmark’ workouts used in Crossfit. Like all the nasty girls, Fran is both a workout and a competition, consisting of a set number of repetitions with a set weight, to be completed as fast as possible. The time it takes you to complete all the repetitions ultimately defines your fitness, robustness, aptitude, and mental fortitude.

I briefly mentioned Fran last week and warned those who think she is easy to prepare to consume “copious cold servings of humble pie”. Indeed, this is just what Crossfit had on the menu for me the fateful day I pitted myself against her.

The challenge consists of two exercises performed back to back in three cycles. During the first cycle, 21 repetitions of each exercise are performed, followed by 15 repetitions each on the second cycle, and nine on the third.

The first exercise is known as the ‘thruster’, which in itself consists of two movements combined – a front squat with a barbell positioned across the front of the shoulders, followed immediately by an overhead press.

The thighs must descend below parallel to the ground with each repetition, and the press must be completed to fully outstretched arms at the top, locked at the elbow. Women use 30 kilos, including the weight of the bar, while men use 42.5 kilos.

The second exercise that completes the challenge is pull-ups. These must be performed through a full range of motion so the arms are straight with elbows locked at the bottom of the movement, and the chin clears the top of the pull-up bar at the top.

‘Crossfitters’ use a fair amount of body swing to assist them when performing pull-ups, which is perfectly legal in competitions as long as the previous two criteria are fulfilled; elbow lock at the bottom and bar clearance at the top. If you consider your strength and fitness to be well above average, you are ready to have a crack at Fran right away. Completing the entire sequence of 21/21, 15/15, and 9/9 in ample time, allowing yourself as much rest as you need, is in itself a remarkable achievement. If, however, you can complete the sequence simply without stopping between cycles to catch your breath, then consider yourself insanely fit.

If you can ‘do’ Fran in under three minutes, consider yourself elite and start filling out your Crossfit competition entry form right away. The best Crossfitters in the world can score under two-and-a-half minutes, while only a handful of the fittest men on the planet have ever successfully performed a sub-two-minute Fran. If you are new to exercise and fitness, you can still flirt with Fran by using less weight on the bar in your thrusters, and substituting the pull-ups for pull-downs on the cable ‘lat machine’. Increase the weights each week and watch your strength and fitness rise exponentially.

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