When we’re at home, the toilet is nothing more than a functional inconvenience that sporadically interrupts the day. When was the last time you remembered being on the toilet? I mean, really remembered?
Not the physical discomfort manifested in your shaking body, but the actual toilet; the desperate squat over a fly-infested pit; a loo with a view; the baffling electronic buttons that shot jets of water.
But in a global sense, toilets have come to signify so much more. They denote disparities in wealth and differences in culture. They allow nations’ engineering forethought to be compared as they answer one of technology’s most fundamental questions: how do dispose of our own waste.
And how our engineering has evolved! A hundred years ago, who would have predicted we all would have toilets inside? Who would have guessed that there would be alternatives to the toilets we find in Malta?
Yes, there are alternatives. So here, in all its repellent and delightful glory, is a guide to the toilets of the world.
The squat
Essentially, the squat is a normal toilet minus everything above ground level. But that is offensive. The squat is a clever toilet. It knows that if bathroom visits involved choice, they would be dead last. Nobody chooses a squat toilet. It just (conveniently) happens to be the only toilet available when your insides are rotting from dodgy street food, or last night’s chef decided to demonstrate the potency of local chili.
Commonly found: Famously in India and China, but likely to be found in any country where a night’s accommodation can cost less than €5.
Tactic: Hit the gym and start training those leg muscles.
Classic travel story: “…Intense humidity was extracting last night’s curry and my legs were weary from three days of jungle trekking. It was my fourth squat visit of the morning. Cramp suddenly shot into my hamstring and before I knew it I was sitting in the toilet…”
The hole in the ground
Often confused with the squat, the hole in the ground is organised refuse at its most basic and efficient. Dig a deep hole. Straddle two wooden planks over the entrance. Wait five 10 years for the hole to slowly fill with human waste that fertilises the land. Use the squat technique, but take comfort in contributing to the cycle of life on earth.
Commonly found: Deserts and other dry rural climates.
Tactic: Take a torch. You may never recover from a misplaced footstep.
Classic travel story: “…The hole in the ground had given long service to my Mongolian hosts, and was so full that only a few centimetres separated my bum from its contents. Despite aiming towards a deeper spot I was hit by a disgusting splash back...”
The brain teaser
Sometimes toilet symbols are easy. Pink elephant in a bikini: obviously female. Cigar-smoking top hat: must be male. But in the search for individuality, some toilets have gone too far. No longer satisfied with a full-length symbol clearly illustrating the differences in human genetics, the brain-teaser toilets are androgynous. How are you supposed to know the gender symbols of the Zulu tribe? Is that a woman’s hair, or a silhouette of Jim Morrison? Triangle or square: can somebody please explain?
Commonly Found: European cafés that try too hard and most of southern Africa.
Tactic: If in doubt, watch someone else try first.
Classic travel story: “…After four shots of the local sugarcane spirit, the symbols baffled me. All I saw was two figures drawn by the hand of a five-year-old. I will never forget the local Mama waving hello through the open cubicle door…”
The artists’ playground
Toilets aren’t just about functionality. They can be expressive and enjoyable. Choose Adam’s toilet, with a padlock that ensures the toilet seat never goes down, or the pink fluffy seat cover of Eve’s. Take a climb to Poopa Falls. Find a pristine toilet inside a blossoming forest of pink flowers and enjoy nature. Sit down and contemplate how wonderful it is that some people have created practical art out of the most functional of human tasks.
Commonly found: These are not common but when found are usually at campsites deep in vast areas of wilderness.
Tactic: Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate… and enjoy.
Classic travel story: “…I woke to the sound of a wild hippo exploring the river and walked to the Kings’ Throne. With the sun rising majestically, I started my day by relaxing on the toilet and waving hello to the swimming crocodiles…”
The toilet of the future
Technology is rapidly removing the need for human thought and movement. Soon, some thing will replace us. We no longer even need to wipe. A flashing panel of buttons entices the user of the toilet of the future. Red or blue? Wavy lines or straight lines? Which one dispenses paper and which initiates the robotic hand? Soon the toilet of the future will charge your iPhone, flush using voice recognition, read your horoscope and fly you to Mars.
Commonly found: Japan and South Korea.
Tactic: Build your knowledge and experience before randomly playing.
Classic travel story: “…My right hand accidently mashed the keypad and a burst of warm water squirted into my backside. Startled, I jumped from the seat, allowing the water to spray my back, and missing out on the subsequent blast of hot air. Fearful of the toilet’s powers, I returned to the sushi table soaking wet...”
At one with nature
We’ve all been tempted? Is anyone looking? Can I get away with it? I need to go now. Sometimes the global equation dips into the negative, and there simply aren’t enough toilets for the earth’s users.
Commonly found: Everywhere. This is no toilet.
Tactic: Old receipts and train tickets can be reused as emergency toilet paper.
Classic travel story: “…The restaurant owner confirmed that the toilet was just through the maroon doorway. In the pitch black I felt my way to the doorway. One more step brought horror. The toilet was literally ‘just through there’…”