Christian: Good evening Malta!                                                                    

Alan: This is Siġġiewi calling. Welcome to the night we thought would never come.

Christian: Thanks to our beloved Kurt Calleja, we’re back for round two.

Alan: Overkill, some might say. But well deserved. Kurt and the gang gave their all last Thursday.

Christian: Many believe Malta is already a winner, judging by the carcading heard in Sliema on Thursday night.

Alan:  ...and from the chorus of “Ma Tagħmlu Xejn Ma Kurt Calleja” from a local in the village pjazza. But tonight Malta will compete against another 25 countries vying for the top spot, including Russia’s nanniet and Sweden’s Rihanna.

Christian: Thankfully there are some countries doing everything in their power not to win lest they are forced to take more austerity measures to host the show themselves next year. Spain has already made its intentions clear and as for Greece, it is to be taken for granted.

Alan: Malta on the other hand is even prepared forego the much needed underwater tunnel to our sister island Gozo (with easy access to Giovanna and all) to place anywhere in the top five or at the very least to hear its name called in quick succession with the words douche points even once.

Christian: I think you mean douze points.

Alan: I know what I mean, Chris. Tonight’s show will include the participation of the Big Five. I don’t know what that means but it definitely excites me.

Christian: But no one will be as excited as Kurt Calleja, who gave a smashing performance of his mediocre song on Thursday and is planning to do the same tonight.

Alan: He has perfected his now world-famous dance move we have decided to call The Vileda, not only because his feet spell out the letter V but in memory of his glove-loving stylist who has provided us with so much Panto fodder.

Christian: You know the drill. Keep us close at hand to make sure you do not slip into a boredom-induced coma.

Alan: Don’t forget, Kurt performs in 21st place, at which point you are urged to forget his performance on Thursday and really believe that THIS is the night he has been singing about all along.

Christian: Bring on the crazies!