Christian: Good evening Malta!
Alan: And welcome to tonight’s Eurovision live blog.
Christian: I’m Christian Peregin, The Times’ resident Eurovision critic and tonight I’m proud to share this dubious platform with the King of Panto himself, Alan Montanaro.
Alan: Christian, I’m thrilled to be here because Eurovision often provides great fodder for Panto. So... This is the night!
Christian: Yes, the night song titles are included capriciously into everything we write.
Alan: The only night, some might say... Especially for our beloved Kurt Calleja.
Christian: Kurt who?
Alan: Precisely. Meanwhile, everybody else seems to be sending established artists like those irritating nits Jedward and Engelbert Humperdinck, who first came to Malta to commemorate the laying of the first stone at Mnajdra.
Christian: I see you’ve bothered to watch Tuesday’s show too. That’s commitment...
Alan: I’ve also looked up this evening’s songs online and I can assure you we’re in for another night of rubbish. Mostly tedious ballads from the Eastern block belting out undecipherable lyrics that sound like they’re singing about paxi and maltova.
Christian: Save some for the live blog Alan, this is just the introduction. Anyway, as is tradition, timesofmalta.com is here to make this a memorable and bearable night, despite the music.
Alan: So sit back, crack open a bottle of wine, turn on your TV... and set it to mute while focussing all your attention to your nearest laptop, tablet or mobile device set to this page.
Christian: Updates should load automatically, but if you’re following on the mobile site (www.timesofmalta.com/mobile) you will have to tick the box to have the blog refreshed every minute.
Alan: I have no idea what you just said, but it sounded technical and important.
Christian: As we were saying, if you absolutely must watch the actual show, do send in your comments.
Alan: The best ones may be plagiarised above without your permission.
Christian: But no expletives please, this is The Times... so keep it tasteful and classy.
Alan: Or get lost.
Christian: May the games begin.