The way of the great Dom

Having heard there was a stirring film starring our own great Dom, I headed to the “talkies”. People younger than me call them something else: Sinema or Eden. Can’t work out how sinning goes on in Eden. Maybe we still have Eve’s silly snake hissing its tantalising tales of wisdom and how great apple tartlets are.

In places that are not republics they have what we should have had: a KingDom- Victor Calleja

Little do we and, especially, the younger generation know how blessed, and Edenesque, our life under Dom Mintoff was.

I thought: Great, at last even the horrible capitalists who run Hollywood have found out about our Dom and produced a blockbuster about him and are first showing it here in Malta.

The known universe always knew a lot about our Dom, saviour and respected leader of the unaligned, the neutral and the truly free. Back when life was all good, wherever you went, from the nether regions of Africa to the freezing posts of Helsinki, people told you: “You are from Malta? There you have the great Dom”. It was their doomsday ’cos they didn’t have him for themselves and it was our luck to have him here.

The words Dom and Malta were interchangeable. His eminent master of foreign affairs, the most noble Alex Sceberras Trigona, reminded us all lately how important Dom was all over the world. Not just in North Korea, mind you, and thank you very much.

Dom was everywhere. He was, I’m nearly sure, even asked to chair Chairman Mao’s charitable foundation for saving and propagating the best known kind of democracy.

We had fame like never before and never even dreamt of ever after. No thinking man like the Debonos, the various Edwards or Francos, of today, even come close to the fame of our Dom all over the globe. In places that are not republics they have what we should have had: a KingDom. Now that would have fitted nicely with our teachings of lifelong democracy.

Even England and Scotland and Canada, where they still sing the God Save the Queen, they live in a KingDom.

Our saviour, far from being a traitor or a trampler of rights, gave us everything that was good in our island and we led a wonderful life. Back in my time, when dear Dom dominated, we had a great concept which he himself in his infinite goodness had given us, the poor people. This concept, which was nearly exported to the whole wide world, was called bulk buying. Surely no one in his right mind has forgotten this.

The government in its wisDom would buy the best, ever nicest apples and flog them on the free market. We loved them. And with every ton of apples you bought you were given a few choice chocolates straight from Chairman Mao’s productive factory. They were our just desserts.

Our Dom knew his apples and his cocoa beans like no one else.

Anyway, on the way to heaven’s cinema to watch the latest blockbuster about Dom I was encouraged by a very good friend of mine, who used to be a bandmaster of the Brigata Laburista back in the good old days, to read a newspaper article in The Times.

First of all I nearly had a convulsion thinking I had to read anything from The Times. Wasn’t this the same place that was, back then, a bit of a flamethrower’s delight for us the real steel soldiers who followed our Dom’s greatness?

And, anyway, why was my good friend the bandmaster now wearing a whole suit in garish, nationalist blue? But as always I do as my superiors bid me, I read what the priest – Fr Mark Montebello – wrote.

I was sure he would be all against our dearest Dom. He would condemn the film as being too progressive, too avant-garde and definitely too anti-clerical. I read the article as ordered and in it the priest told us not to go to the cinema to enjoy the film about Dom. See, I was right: the priests are still at it. They will soon reissue a mortal sin edict against us, the true soldiers who still try wearing red scarves and denim jackets.

I read on and saw that the priest was, in fact, on our side and he even told us not to go and watch the film as it was all propaganda, filmed terribly and was also against Dear Dom. Come to think of it, I always thought priests were very intelligent and that we should always follow what they say. They are, after all, nearly divine.

The film, as he rightly said, was despicable and I will not watch it. That is the way of Dom and it will never, ever change. We are always steadfast in our thoughts and in our decisions.

They might make me wave EU flags and wear silly, blue T-shirts but I will not go against a priest, not even if they turn blue in the face. Mark my words, this film will never be a success because, after all, if you see it – and if you also enjoy it – you go against religion.

Always in our heart.

Your fond, extended family.