Whether we like it or not, as we age, many of us find that we’re becoming increasingly like our mothers. But is that something to be afraid of, or should we embrace our inheritance, Deana Luchia asks.
“Every woman’s worst nightmare,” laughed one friend when I said I was writing about women becoming like their mums.
While we might rail against the way our mums did things, we’re hugely influenced by those who raised us
“God, I hope I’m not,” said another. There were many similar comments, each friend grimacing at the very idea that she might be anything like her own mum. This, despite everyone avowing how much they actually love their mothers.
Whether we like it or not, many of us, as we age, do start to resemble our mums, whether it’s the way we look and the way our body changes, or whether it’s the things we find ourselves saying to our children.
In part, it’s about growing older, leaving our teenage selves far behind and realising that life isn’t always as straightforward as it seems. With children of our own, we understand that parenting is a challenge and that it is, in fact, quite reasonable to issue curfews or to ask children to pick up after themselves because we are “not a slave”, and so on.
These feelings of wanting to be wholly different to our mothers, however, are natural. We all like to think we are individuals, and we all believe we can do better than the generation before when it comes to making life choices.
Yet, while we might rail against the way our mums did things, we’re hugely influenced by those who raised us, and subconsciously all those things our mothers said to us, the way they treated us, are there inside, and it doesn’t take too much scratching for them to surface.
But perhaps we should take heart from the fact that no-one’s going to notice that we’ve turned into our mums, as most friends are too busy hoping we won’t notice they’ve turned into theirs.
Claudia Attard* is 38 and her mum, Annabel, is 63. Like most daughters, Claudia started to be annoyed by her mother when she became a teenager, and on occasions vowed that she would never, ever be like her.
“I thought she was very, very strict! And perhaps like most other teenagers I thought she didn’t really understand me. Yet, despite this I always knew I could go to her if I really needed to.”
There was friction between the two, says Claudia, “because we were too similar. We argued a lot, and quite loudly, about normal things, I guess, such as homework, revision, attitude (mine, not hers!). I always had strict bedtimes (even when I was in Sixth Form) and I would always be the one who struggled to get a pass to go out to a last-minute party or some unplanned event, which was embarrassing. There was an unspoken rule of “always try your hardest and do your best”. My mum lives by this rule, so she expected the same of me and my brother.”
Sometimes their arguments were about favouritism. “I used to believe that she stuck up for my brother more than me. He’s almost three years younger and I thought he got away with a lot of things by using his cheeky grin. I still maintain this today, much to my brother’s amusement,” laughs Claudia.
Despite the clashes, there was still a lot of love in the house. Claudia has a photo album she kept when she was a teenager in which she kept pictures of her mum with comments by the side. “I have one,” says Claudia, “where I’ve written, ‘My very pretty Mum’. I remember being very proud of her. She always made – and still makes – an effort to dress up nicely and look smart. She would never leave the house without make-up on. Now I’d like my mum’s legs and bust,” says Claudia. “She’s really got an amazing figure and I have always been so irritated that I got my Dad’s physique.”
When it comes to repeating things Annabel said, there are many. “I hear myself saying things to my children like ‘Are those clothes going to walk to the laundry basket?’ or ‘Do you think money grows on trees?’ and ‘How many times do I have to tell you...’ All of which my Mum used to say to me,” says Claudia.
Mother and daughter are alike in other ways as well. “We are both quite stubborn, strong characters,” notes Claudia. “I think also that we’re both quite fun-loving and outgoing but that we’re hugely lacking in self-confidence. We both always say ‘sorry’ far too much. My husband thinks I share my Mum’s lack of confidence but he also thinks I have her generous nature, which is nice.”
Becoming more and more like our mothers allows us to understand them better and to feel closer to them. Making the same decisions our mothers made sometimes gives us insight into why they made them. “Being like her,” says Claudia, “does help me understand her more. And having children of my own makes me realise what tough love is really all about and where she was coming from.”
*Names have been changed