It’s so much more than just a game...

Ta’ Qali stadium: Dressing room.

The bookies will be happy – they are quoting 3-1

Malta Football Federation Premier League: Bengħajsa Blues v Żebbiegħ Zephyrs.

Eight minutes before kick-off: Leli Gatt Falzon, the coach of Bengħajsa Blues is giving his final team talk to his players before sending them out to do battle.

“OK, gather round guys. Now I shouldn’t need to emphasise to you the importance of this game. For some of you it will be the most important game of your entire lives. It is certainly the most vital game of this... and possibly any other... season.

“Now I want you to go out there and show me why I’ve shown faith in you, why I believe you can go where no team put out by this great club has ever gone before.

“We can all recite the names of some of those legendary Blues players who have worn the shirt with pride and distinction down the years.

Players like Slugger Baldacchino, Pepe Borg Wilson – and more recently, Tancred Stivala... the beige pearl. So I want you to play with distinction and that special fire that this club is renowned for.

“This is the big one, guys... the one you’ve waited a lifetime for. Go out and show me, show the fans, show your critics just what you’re made of. And... of course, play hard and remember you can do anything out there today, anything at all. There’s only one thing that you cannot, must not do... and that is... win.”

(A mutter of assent passes among the players)

“A lot of people are counting on you this afternoon... fans, punters, bookies... and me – I am counting on you, since I have got a lot riding on this result, and 4-0 would do very nicely, thank you. With a 4-0 beating we will keep our dignity... just, and the bookies will be happy – they are quoting 3-1.

“Now I’m not going to go over our tactics for today, you should know them all backwards by now. But whatever you do guys... keep the ball away from Deadly, he’s the best Brazilian we’ve ever signed and absolutely lethal inside the 18-yard area.

It’s OK, he can’t understand what I’m saying, he only speaks Portuguese. If he thinks he’s not getting enough of the ball – he’ll come looking for it; so don’t you let him have it. He is the one thing that could scupper my tactics for today.

“Oh yeah, and... if at all possible guys... no penalties. I’d really like to lose this one by four clear outfield strikes. OK, I’ll concede that if we’re just 2-1 down with only minutes left, then play it by ear.

“Oh, where’s the big Nigerian? Chumbo, where are – oh there you are. Try not to dive in two-footed unless you really have to. It would be nice to finish this one with all 11 players on the field. But if time is running out and they still haven’t got the four... target their second striker; he goes down a treat in the box... very convincing, got that? Good.

“Now where’s our keeper? Where’s fat Kevin? The only man on the planet who could remain invisible while wearing a bright yellow jersey. Kevin, Kevin son... usually whenever you come for crosses... you flap at them like a housewife hanging washing out to dry. But last week you actually caught two or three. What’s the matter son? We don’t want you getting delusions of adequacy now, do we?

“What we need today – yes, Maurice... you have a query?”

“What about own-goals?”

“Ooh, now that really is a tricky one. To tell you the truth I didn’t want to go there; you could be opening up a real can of worms. But I can see why you – of all people – should ask the question.

“The media still twitch at the memory of our game last season against Kalafrana Killers, where you sprinted 70 yards downfield, dribbled around our own keeper and scored the winning own-goal. And your defence that you suffered a temporary loss of the sense of direction, did rather test the Malta Football Federation’s credibility. So... no own-goals today OK?”

“Right lads, it’s showtime! Get on the park and show them how a real team plays... and loses. Go for it!”