It is becoming increasingly acceptable in society that, although marriage is supposed to be for life and with one spouse exclusively, second marriages are taking place for various reasons.

The secret of success lies principally in the golden word ‘compromise’

Marriage is terminated either by the death of one partner or by civil divorce; either scenario allows second marriages to take place.

What is the secret of success in a second marriage? Some would argue that, in the case of remarriage after divorce, experiences from the past can make for a wiser and better future. Author Samuel Johnson once said remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience and this is a very apt saying.

In the case of the second marriage where death has terminated the previous marriage, there is added complication because, whereas divorce usually means there is a certain amount of bitterness and certainly no hankering after the divorced spouse, in the case of widows or widowers, the previous marriage is held as a precious and constant reminder.

So in either case, once contemplating remarriage, there are some very valuable pointers to be taken on board.

First of all, it is important to spend some time being single. This has two advantages: firstly you can decide whether you like to be alone or are lonely, and you can also take time out to examine your failings of the past and how to improve relationships in the future.

It is important to figure out why you want to be married again; is it financial security? A father or mother for your children? A new life? It is a good idea to make a list of what you really want – and don’t want – from remarriage.

What will you give up and what do you hope to gain? Does your new partner provide what you need – or are you simply trying not to be alone?

It is best to talk about money up front. Consider separate finances. Many second marriages have three pots, his, hers and ours.

It is crucial to give your partner space to be with their children alone. Talk about who will make parenting decisions.

Second marriages have their own well-known stressors. Children can be reluctant to accept a step-parent. Also, bringing up young children leaves newly-weds little time to gain intimacy.

One spouse may be paying to support children of the previous marriage or may want to preserve assets for them. This is particularly evident when it comes to the question of wills and inheritances.

Each couple must cope with this particular issue in the way most suited to individual circumstances.

In the case of divorce, people bring a lot of baggage with them, whether it is fear of losing their independence or a bitter ex-spouse.

Experts say the success of remarriage depends largely on how well the partners dealt with their divorces. If both sets of ex-spouses are on cordial speaking terms and, if children are involved, both sets work effectively together as parents, the ripple effect will be relatively minor.

It is a good idea to get an emotional divorce, not just a legal one. This requires thoughtful self-examination and the recognition that it almost always takes two people for a marriage to fail. Acknowledge your role in the breakdown of the previous marriage so that you can avoid repeating it.

Psychologists say timing helps determine the success of a second marriage.

After a divorce, partners who wait to gain a sense of themselves and what they are looking for have a much better chance of making a second commitment work. It is important you are not just getting remarried to be married again.

Divorced people who do not take time to explore their mistakes will often do one of two things: some marry the same type of person and repeat the pattern of their first marriage, or seek out the opposite of their ex-spouse.

How can you get a better shot at marital bliss the second time round? Know yourself and take stock of the baggage you bring to the second marriage.

It is important to pay attention to all three aspects of chemistry: physical, spiritual and intellectual. One should strive to identify with the other half and find it mutually stimulating when both of you feel close in these three aspects.

It is good to have a friend and companion but you also need someone who challenges you. Learn to deal constructively with big conflicts and to let go of smaller ones.

Instead of focusing on what really went wrong in their last marriage, people often place blame solely on their ex-husband or ex-wife. They end up believing the key to a happy marriage is simply finding the right partner.

The positive side of a second marriage, whether because of divorce or death, is the chance to start a new life and find happiness with a new partner. It is different to a first early marriage of young people.

In many cases, each of the new spouses have children from the previous marriage and this complicates matters. However, the secret of success lies principally in the golden word: ‘compromise’.

The second marriage may be fraught with difficulties brought about by the baggage from the first but, for the second commitment to be successful, each spouse in the new relationship has to take a step backwards and assess the current situation and act accordingly, with tact and discretion and the will to give in on certain issues.

So, with remarriage on the increase, these potentially awkward situations can become diffused and, with the best intentions and positive implementation, the path to a successful second marriage can be strewn with roses.

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