Who said the property boom was over?

“Hello, Ripoff, Fleesum and Blag Estate Agents, Malta here. How can I help you?... Ah right, then I’ll have to pass you over to our Mr Abela Scrunch... he deals with all our top-end-of-the-market clients. Hold the line please.”

I’d say he will certainly be our most famous client ever, by a country mile

“Hallo, ho, ho, ho... Winston Abela Scrunch here. And who am I speaking to? Good morning Mr Finkelstein and what can I do for you?... Right; and what is the name of the client for whom you are acting?... Yes of course, I understand, we deal with a great many highly prestigious clients and we are known universally for our discretion – as well as our superior service, of course.

“So naturally the name will remain confidential... Who?... Good gracious! Really?... Yes, yes of course, very erm... very well known indeed. In fact I’d say he will certainly be our most famous client ever, by a country mile.

And yes, I reiterate, his name will certainly remain completely confidential – at all times. Our lips are sealed. Erm, would you hold the line a second please?... so kind...

(He switches on the intercom between his secretary and himself)

“Rowena, when I complete this call, get me TVM news, The Times newsroom, L’Orrizont, In-Nazzjon, Net TV, Reuters, CNN, One TV, BBC News and any other media outlets you can think of, OK?

(He switches back to his telephone)

“Sorry about that Mr erm um. You were saying?... On behalf of your client you are looking for a large, a very large private property with enormous garden, stables, servants quarters, fully equipped gym, at least two full-size swimming pools, 14 bedrooms, 12 reception rooms, state-of-the-art kitchens and a sitting-room the size of Wembley Stadium.

“Right, shouldn’t be a problem. Any other specifications?... A helipad, fine, no probs... A landing strip long enough for a Lear jet to land and take off, certainly. Facilities for a private zoo, definitely. An 18-hole golf course, shouldn’t be difficult... and a Formula One motor racing circuit? Hmm, well, I think your client will find that practically all our roads, major and minor, are Formula One circuits.

“Anything else?... Security and privacy. Look, I can assure you that if your client likes the property I have in mind – and I’m certain he’ll not just like it, he’ll positively fall in love with it, he will be in the safest and most private dwelling in the whole of the Maltese islands... Absolutely guaranteed... He is most concerned about safety and security you say?

“Look Mr erm, if your client takes the property he will even have the Armed Forces of Malta as his bodyguards and security – and on a round-the-clock basis – at a price; as well as the best appointed and sumptuous home... Location? Oh, very central; the property is situated between the villages of Balzan and Attard – and if you consult the map of Malta... oh you are doing so, right... Yes, absolutely dead centre...

“Called? Well it is currently known as um... Oh it was on the tip of my tongue. Oh yes, it’s currently known as San Anton Palace, but of course, your client can call it anything he likes. As we say in Malta: ‘You pays your money – a great deal of money in your client’s case – and you takes your choice’... Yes, there is currently a sitting tenant, but that shouldn’t prove a problem, if and when your client’s offer comes in...

“Now when would he like to view?... Oh there are always prestigious clients looking for appropriately grand properties, so I would suggest that as soon as he... Of course, I understand that he has other very important commitments, don’t we all, um...

“And for my records, again strictly confidentially, precisely which Mr Gaddafi is it that is seeking to purchase a property in Malta?...”