Eurovision Humour: our predictions for tonight

Not that I feel that I can give Nostradamus a run for his money, but with events like the Malta Eurovision tending to follow a predictable, if amusing,  path it would be very remiss of me not to oblige readers with a preview of what is likely to happen at tonight’s semi-final.

By “what’s likely to happen” I mean of course, “what is sure to happen”.  Given past performances,  it’s a bit like shooting fish in a barrell.  And do chill, all you eco-fanatics.  It’s just a figure of speech. Ladies and gentlemen, go ahead and feel free to place your bets and share the winnings with me. Here’s what will be making the headlines this evening. Disclaimer: if you forgot to pack your sense of humour today, maybe it’s better to skip straight to the next one...

13:00: Panic buying hits the Monti in Valletta as housewives try to get their paws on the last boxful of KISS  flourescent g-strings. Buxom peroxide blonde heard threatening hawker with GBH unless he releases the loot pronto “għax Gianni dawk iħobb, dawk li għandhom xaharhom stramb, il-KISS ħiiiii.”

20:00: Klinsmann hits the red carpet, flicking his fringe coyly at the female audience. Remembering he no longer boasts his surfer’s locks he resorts to shameless exhibitionism of baby photos in a desperate attempt to curry favour. Sadly, the ladies are too busy screaming at Gianni’s arrival and his efforts are wasted.

21:00: As soon as he sets foot on stage, Gianni is mobbed by a flurry of KISS g-strings. A (heavy) herd of peroxide blondes follow. Gianni suffers a panic attack and dives backstage to seek refuge behind his female co-competitors. Klinsmann is seen sneakily pointing the herd in the right direction.

21:30: Tragedy strikes the stage at the MFCC. Lawrence Gray mysteriously disappears from view halfway through his song. Words like spontaneous combustion and alien abduction are whispered in fear, until it’s revealed that it’s just a case of the singer’s 3.5 inch heels snapping off rather inconveniently. A foot stool is hurriedly wheeled out. The performance resumes.

22:00: Janvil shows up in a white, sequinned cat-suit pretending to be the Dick Haymes of the new millennium while proving that yes, a mid-life crises can be honed into an art form.

22:30: Realising she hasn’t made it to the finals, Jessica Muscat announces a massive come-back for next year’s edition. In a surprise move that disappoints all the men following the event (both of them, in fact) she announces that her next entry will not be about having sex on the dance-floor. It will be, instead, about having sex on a bar-stool by the dance-floor.  The resulting surge in testosterone in the air creates an imbalance in the earth’s atmosphere.

23:00: Just as the finalists are about to be announced, Clinton Paul storms the stage shouting that “He’s a rebellion”. In the ensuing riot, several groupies suffer an allergic reaction to the glitter that rubs off the badass soldier’s Mickey Mouse costume. Hundreds swamp the emergency department at Mater Dei.

23:15: In the second “colpo di scena” of the night, Renato appears out of nowhere and throws a tackle at Clinton Paul, declaring to the audience that if he can’t queen it in Azerbaijan then no-one else will.