Idiots’ guide to Eurovision Malta

Twenty-four hopefuls take to the stage in tonight's semi-final which promises to be as wacky and tacky as ever.

Christian Peregin and Waylon Johnston take a break from politics and court reporting to deal with the more urgent matter at hand: Who should represent Malta in what could be (if you believe the Mayans) the world’s last Eurovision Song Contest?

Danica Muscat – 7 Days

Christian: Not a good start for us, she looks too young to mock. Let me just say taking the playfulness out of the teen pop theme makes the teen pop theme even less bearable.

Waylon: Sweet voice. One of those songs which makes you ask: Is this a winner? The answer is a definite no. Yawn.

Janvil – You Are My Life

Christian: I guess it’s refreshing to see this guy singing something a little less camp than usual. But still, it doesn’t exactly scream 12 points.... Or one point for that matter.

Waylon: Great to see the theatrics have stopped. .. I never thought I would say this about a Janvil song but I think I might actually like it.

Isabelle – Walk On Water

Christian: A formulaic and predictable Eurovision song with absolutely nothing new except the singer, who, to be fair, seems sweet.

Waylon: She looks remarkably like Martika from the hit Toy Soldiers from 1989 and the song sounds like something off of her album.

Francesca Borg – Take Me Far

Christian: The hairdo made me want to hate this song. But there’s something captivating about it.

Waylon: Is that a bird’s nest or a hairdresser trying too hard? She could be the spokeswoman for the hunter’s federation. Otherwise terrible. Please take me far away from this song.

Klinsmann – No Way Back

Christian: The likable Klinsmann is back with his shamelessly forced Cockney accent and another childish song that’s, however, more mature than usual and could still make a few girls want to follow him back ’ome.

Waylon: That English accent keeps coming through just like when you hear karrozzin drivers talking to tourists. Very annoying but thank God he grew up and got rid of the teenie-bopper thing.

Richard Edwards – Look At Me Now

Christian: It’s not amazing but I think this is our best shot. Which means it will place anywhere between second and last place.

Waylon: Falls flat immediately, just another boring lacklustre song that we have come to expect year after year. Good voice though.

Annalise Ellul – Whoop It Up!

Christian: The girl who used to grace our screens with Britney Spears impressions 10 years ago makes a comeback with.... the exact same thing. On the plus side, she doesn’t seem to have aged either.

Waylon: Hints of the Greek winning song a couple of years back. Sounds like a corny 1990s dance tune found in the more socially challenged Paceville nightclubs, if you know what I mean.

Kurt Calleja – This Is The Night

Christian: Not the most inventive song but I guess it’s catchy.

Waylon: Boring, his waxed eyebrows seem to be more interesting. Sorry Kurt this is probably not your night.

Romina Mamo – DNA

Christian: If the performance didn’t take itself so seriously, this could have been fun.

Waylon: She sounds like she belongs in a children’s programme. This is neither here nor there, not quite sure...

Nadine Bartolo – Can’t Get Away

Christian: When a song starts with the lyrics “I know it’s cliché” you know you don’t really have to listen for too long...

Waylon: Please no. This is just dragging us back in time. Awful.

Lawrence Gray – In Your Eyes

Christian: He looks like a Matryoshka doll but gives a great vocal performance.

Waylon: The suit makes him seem like a tacky politician and the hair belongs on the head of a 30-something mother of two.

Kaya – First Time

Christian: The sort of bombastic melodramatic song that will undoubtedly spellbind the Maltese public who will reach for their phones to vote en masse while spilling their minestra all over themselves.

Waylon: This song should be confined to those village square “spettakli” and money-gathering charity TV shows that hijack every station.

Claudia Faniello – Pure

Christian: Pleasant but forgettable ballad. Claudia always gives sharp performances but she too must know this is not a winning song.

Waylon: Clau Clau Clau Claudia Chameleon! She transforms herself every year. Lovely voice but, sadly, the song is nothing special.

Jessica Muscat – Dance Romance

Christian: She’s got the look. And this is the first song I feel I haven’t heard before. Will she pull it off with a decent performance, though?

Waylon: All she seems to sing about is picking up guys off a dance floor. I mean, remember last year about the guy and the dance floor? Definitely provocative. Can’t always understand what she is saying.

Wayne Micallef – Time

Christian: A very pleasant song but not a winner.

Waylon: This is actually quite a nice song. A catchy contemporary feel to it but, again, does it have that one-hit-wonder magic?

Dorothy Bezzina – Autobiography

Christian: If the metaphor is stretched I’ll be able to hang myself with it. An exquisite singer and a good performer but the song just sounds awkward. Maybe the largely non-English speaking European audience will disagree.

Waylon: Not sure I like the jungle call, summoning all and sundry to charge. It’s ok I guess and she’s got good diction.

Gianni – Petals On A Rose

Christian: Nothings screams Eurovision louder than a mid-life crisis. Despite the outdated Bon Jovi feel, this is probably one of the better-sounding songs and might actually stand out on the Eurovision stage.

Waylon: Well... actually being able to sing is not a prerequisite to get in to the Eurovision, so let’s hope he has a fancy costume to compensate. Perhaps he could get some advice from that band he is always on about....ah yes KISS. Grey hair on a rocker is not endearing but rather sad actually.

Fabrizio Faniello – I Will Fight For You (Papa’s Song)

Christian: Oh look, how refreshing... It’s Fabrizio... again. To quote the unfortunate words of Miss Malta 2011: “If I had to describe also (this song) it would be motivation and determination.”

Waylon: Is he referring to his father or a sugar daddy? Not impressed. At all.

Janice Mangion – While Her Eyes Still Glow

Christian: This singer is great and the song stands out, at least among this lot.

Waylon: It’s ok, I guess, but a little too dragging for my liking.

Eleanor Cassar – I Want to Run Away

Christian: The song is scarily similar to last year’s winner. I say scary because no one wants to hear that song ever again. At least, the title is apt. But, once again, Eleanor has failed to find a style that suits her powerful voice.

Waylon: Great, the scary outfits are back. I can imagine Lawrence Gonzi singing this to Franco Debono in his office as he tells him to get out or get in line.

Corazon – Mystifying Eyes

Christian: This is the third song with “eyes” in the title. Corazon makes a nice new addition to the festival. But we really need to get out of the 1990s.

Waylon: She has a lovely voice that makes for pleasant and easy listening but, unfortunately, this is way too slow.

Deborah C featuring L.James – You Make Me Go UH UH

Christian: Finally, some good old trashy Europop... They should spice things up a little though.

Waylon: Very catchy song but they need to take it to the next level in the performance to secure a position. This could be very good.

Anna Azzopardi – Still Waiting

Christian: Even though this is the penultimate song, it may be the one you forget first.

Waylon: It’s bland and not a winner. I guess we are still waiting. Her voice deserves a better song.

Amber – Answer With Your Eyes

Christian: Take an Amy Winehouse song, suck out all the pathos, replace the lyrics with random words rhyming with “eyes” and this is what you get. Good singer but if I had to answer with my eyes, let me assure you they’d be rolling.

Waylon: Oh no, what a bird’s nest! Perhaps the greatest bird lover of them all, Miss Malta, could give her some advice on how to tone those locks down. It’s quite boring and not very memorable.

Disclaimer: The reviews were based on the pre-recorded clips available on www.tvm.com.mt/eurovision. The live performances could be even worse. This guide can also be used for tomorrow’s final show but the running order will be different.

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