Elections don’t do this country any good. Not only do deaths from heart attacks double the week after the result is out, but in the run-up, elections kill our manners.

Don’t blow your own trumpet. If you’ve done something amazing, let it speak for itself- Kristina Chetcuti

And the worst cuplrits are the very people who should be setting an example – our Members of Parliament, who should mind their Ps and Qs as much as their PQs.

After watching the umpteenth discussion programme on television, I’d like to say to all MPs (and any prospective ones) that, please note, the following behaviour is utterly rude:

1. Boasting about your sacrifices

I’m sick to my eyeballs with politicians making loud declarations of their personal ‘sacrifices’. Champion of this is Franco Debono, but really all the other MPs pipe the same tune disguised under faux-humbleness: “Everyone knows how dedicated I am and all the sacrifices I’ve made to ensure that there is justice in the world bla di bla...”

Here’s the first rule: don’t blow your own trumpet. If you’ve done something amazing, let it speak for itself, and instead just get on with the point (if indeed, you have a point).

Secondly, read my lips: If it’s a sacrifice, you’re not supposed to talk about it – a sacrifice is a labour of love and you should just forget about it the minute you do it, not jot it down in your CV.

Thirdly: If all your years as a politician were one big sacrifice, then you’re an idiot. Life is too short to self-inflict misery. If you don’t want to spend your summers visiting your constituents door-to-door, then don’t do it and head to the beach instead. It’s your choice. You are responsible for your life.

Fourthly: If by sacrifice you mean ‘insults’, you’re a public figure – deal with it or retire out of the limelight.

2. Shouting matches

Discussion programmes these days are just horrible shouting matches. MPs are either in love with their own voices or believe that drowning an opponent’s opinion is an incredibly bright tactic.

I lost hope last Saturday, when even the usually pleasant and soft-spoken Simon Busuttil on Dissett went down the rude route of constant interruption.

Then, there are those who resort to whining – Labour’s Michael Falzon specialises in this – his repeated “Iva ara! They’re not letting me speak!” rises in pitch and tone, like an irritating mosquito that makes you want to tear your ears out.

This menu du jour of finger-pointing and raised voices is anything but civil. Please switch on the BBC and learn a thing or two.

3. Texting

People in the flesh deserve more attention than a gadget, so wherever possible turn off your phone in social situations. That’s a fundamental rule straight out of Debrette’s manual – the authority on etiquette.

Debrette’s also says: don’t put your phone on the dining/discussion table, or glance at it longingly mid-conversation; and if you are awaiting an important call, explain at the outset that you will have to take the call, and apologise in advance.

Dr Debono clearly fails his etiquette test. His excuse of being able to multi-task is poppycock. Texting while stirring a pot of soup is fine; texting while people are talking to you is multi-tasking of the insulting kind.

4. Addressing people incorrectly

Joseph Muscat, Anġlu Farrugia and now Franco Debono have taken to addressing the Bondi+ presenter by his name and surname, as in “This is what my party is doing, Lou Bondi”.

Only teachers, during the morning roll-call, use names and surnames. Or mothers about to clip their children round the ear for being naughty (as in “Norman Price what have you been up to now?!”)

So please, MPs guests on Bondi+ decide a priori if you’re going to call the presenter ‘Lou’ or ‘Mr Bondi’ but not both.

Also – Gino Cauchi and Silvio Parnis – please stop referring to people as ‘dan’ and ‘din’; make an effort to learn the names of the people on the panel with you.

5. Cut down on emotions

Where’s the stiff upper lip gone? Down the drain with tissues I think. Our politicians are becoming too touchy-feely for their own good.

Last election we had a weepy Jeffrey Pullicino Orlando. Now we have Dolores Cristina who felt the need to tell the world that “I did not just shed a tear, I wept”, after losing a portfolio in the recent Cabinet reshuffle. Cry by all means if you feel the urge, but spare us the details, won’t you? We tend to prefer MPs who stick to fortitude in the face of adversity and all that.

Please MPs, pull your act together. As an audience – and a nation – we deserve better. If it gets any worse than it already is, we’ll all be switching off, and here’s a threat – we won’t be voting for any of you.

krischetcuti@gmail.com