Eat, drink... and get it all for free

What a brilliant idea... what an absolutely stunning wheeze!

Tables piled high with radioactive Fukushima sukijaki... and after consuming that lot you really would get that well-fed glow

I am, of course, referring to the recent decision to allow some of our African ‘guests’ to serve portions of ethnic food to the Maltese public. Gorgeous spicy and flavour-full dishes straight out of Sudan, Somalia and all points south – wonderful.

I heard that if I scurried down to the Castille courtyard some time back, I could get a free lunch courtesy of Africa and the Ministry of Finance. Of course, when I got there, just my luck, they had reached the clearing up stage, so I lost out big time.

But it still takes nothing away from the idea... magnificent, especially in these dark days of double dip recession and general privation. And then I thought, why limit the idea to African refugees and visitors? I mean, a lot of people don’t really go a bundle on highly spiced chicken... why not extend the free meals idea to other ex-pats?

There are still quite a lot of Brits among us – and the retired residents would, I’m sure, jump at the chance of running a free kitchen serving typical British food. I believe residents of the UK come second only to us Maltese in the obesity stakes, so here’s the chance to show us how they got there.

Typical British dishes such as... egg and chips, fish fingers and chips, baked beans and chips, and of course, that all-British staple... chicken tikka masala... and chips, would all go down a treat – and I for one would be among the first in the feeding queue.

These days we in Malta play host to dozens of nationalities, what about all those sexy Ukrainian and Russian women who ply their trade by night? Well, here’s my suggestion for a day job that would supplement their somewhat precarious incomes.

Yes that’s right... a typical Russian meal served in the salubrious surroundings of the Castille yard (If wet, in the Cabinet room). Lots and lots of delicious,nutritious borscht... and, erm,nutritious borscht; a bit repetitive, granted, but different.

Then what about an American spread? They still think they run the world, so here’s a chance to prove it.

After all, it’s a truism to say an army marches on its stomach; so let’s allow the US to show us just what it and its army put into its vastly inflated bellies.

I’m already salivating at the prospect of hamburgers and fries, hominy grits – whatever they are – and bucket-loads of Coca-Cola... or perhaps not.

I have, of late, noticed quite a few Japanese people around, besides the crocodiles of happy snappy cruise liner tourists, so what better opportunity to show off their native cuisine than a stall in the PM’s back yard.

Tables piled high with radioactive Fukushima sukijaki... washed down with warm saki... delicious. And after consuming that lot you really would get that well-fed glow. In fact, they’d be able to see you coming in a power cut.

Looking ahead to the time that Dr Muscat’s political party comes to power... we may find ourselves once again overrun with famine-ridden North Koreans. Now there’s a culinary challenge.

Can you imagine one of their foodie spreads on offer? Dirt butties, char-broiled pebbles and all the mud you can eat.

Of course, right next door to the North Koreans is the Peoples’ Republic of China, and their cuisine is either wonderful or... decidedly erm, canine.

Anyway, here’s the perfect opportunity for China to set the record straight and dish up authentic Chinese meals – for free. Authentic food such as: sweet and sour spaniel, stir-fried shitzu and pickled pekingese. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

Oh yes, I think our African friends have really started something here, now it’s up to the other nations of the world to show what they can do.

Who said there’s no such thing as a free lunch?