Michael Conti
The ‘others’ are part of us too
Trees come in different shapes and sizes, ranging from the tall-standing palm tree to the low-lying carob. All are beautiful in their own right and nature does not impose any predetermined form but allows each one to develop into what it truly is.
Unfortunately, some societies see life differently. All seeds are expected to become palm trees and are cultivated as such. But, one fine day, some seedlings start developing in a different fashion. They no longer conform to the expected pattern but become the “ugly ducklings” of our families, our Churches and our societies.
Such is the case with people who question their sexual identity or who identify themselves as other than heterosexual. In the research for my Masters in counselling and psychotherapy I focused on the issues that those who identify themselves as lesbian, gay or bisexual or are questioning their sexual identity bring to psychologists, psychotherapists and counsellors in Malta.
Not all non-heterosexuals experience the same level of difficulty but here I will mention the main issues that are particularly relevant to Malta and that push some people to seek for therapy.
The first issue is a pervasive sense of heterosexism on the islands.
Heterosexism is the assumption that heterosexuality is universal and the only acceptable condition while denying and stigmatising anything that is not heterosexual.
Although non-heterosexual individuals are more visible now than they were a decade ago, some sectors of society still tend to see them as unacceptable or inferior when compared to heterosexuals. Their behaviour is still deemed unmanly or unwomanly and their relationships looked down on as unhealthy and immature.
These attitudes and prejudices are visible in our society’s difficulty in providing positive representations of non-heterosexuality in educational institutions. They are present in discourses that portray lesbian, gay and bisexual people and relationships as a threat to family life. They manifest themselves in our country’s absence of legal protection of non-heterosexuals apart from anti-discriminatory legislation in the area of employment. They are evident in our refusal to recognise non-heterosexual couples despite the fact that they are based on a loving relationship as much as heterosexual couples are.
Another problem we face in Malta is our small size, making it more difficult for those questioning their sexual identity to meet others who don’t identify themselves as heterosexuals. Thus, a number of individuals discover who they are in isolation and find very limited support. This makes the process of self-acceptance very hard.
Meeting others who share a similar sexual identity and seeking help in coming to terms with one’s identity may be more difficult for some due to the fear of being discovered as not being heterosexual. Others are silenced by this fear and live a double life, showing an acceptable heterosexual facade on one level while having a different identity on another. This can easily lead to profound personal fragmentation.
Finally, there is the issue of the impact of religion.
Although a number of non-heterosexuals receive considerable support from some members of the clergy, others experience judgement and a deep sense of internal conflict regarding the matter. This includes feelings of shame, anger and a lifelong inability to integrate one’s identity. For some it also implies rejecting their spiritual aspect, hence losing an important part of themselves.
In addition to this, religion impacts non-heterosexuals indirectly when parents do not accept their children fully for who they are due to religious teachings.
All these issues can lead to various psychological problems. These include suicide, self-harm, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse, self-hate, guilt and shame, a low self-esteem and a higher incidence of relationship breakdown.
Some people are still adamant on attributing the origin of these issues to the sexual orientation itself. However, the source of such problems lies more probably in society’s reaction to non-heterosexual individuals and relationships that results in isolation, added psychological burdens and internal fragmentation.
If we want to live in a healthy society we need to shift more towards promoting personal development in all its variety and complexity rather than imposing a standard measure for everyone. The latter only results in discarding by the wayside those who were broken because they were pushed to be other than who they are.
(This degree was carried out following the award of a STEPS scholarship, which was part-financed by the European Union – European Social Fund under Operational Programme II – Cohesion Policy 2007-2012, Empowering People For More Jobs And A Better Quality Of Life.)
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Lawrence Fenech
Jan 13th, 15:17
Excuse me, part of you maybe.
Joe Xuereb
Jan 12th, 22:34
Excellent article Michael Conti. The 'others' are part of us too. Well, that depends whence one approaches the discussion. Let me explain with a little bit of brainstorming.
Things have changed for the better, but have they? Like everything Maltese, homophobia has a particularly acrid flavour. Certainly because of its smallness and other factors.
The male generally, and the Maltese one in particular, is not very sure of himself. He is young, or -ish, he is fit, he is full of himself. And he competes with other male types.. And his stance is always under threat, whether he is aware of this or not, or only superficially, because there is nothing that is not superficial about this sad creature. Pietru - or is it Jason, these days! - down the road has bulkier muscles (and bad-breath to annihilate any orgasm - hurrah!!)s, Gakbu is taller, Mattew ejaculates five times in a night (but it is said his women complain they are left staring at the ceiling every time - hurrah!!), Ninu sprints fastest, Lino jumps higher, and Zaren, well! they say he has the largest schlong going(nowhere) but no staying power(same problem as for the other filles de joie (maidens of joy).. There is justice after all: you cannot win it all. In the face of all this damning competition, what does our young man do? Pointless competing and getting all hot under the collar, never mind anywhere else. He resorts to that age-old biblical tactic, he scapegoats. He picks on queers whom he perceives as weak - stereotyping does this to control the queer phenomenon (nice to reclaim the word); be lead to believe that you can always recognise the hate-object and you will be home and dry and safe and self-assured, every time. I don't think so but that is another discussion - and any other group society does not like - and he vilifies them in his mind, verbally when the opportunity arises (although he seeks it like shade from the sun) and is known to be aggressive, usually in a group for safety(?). Maybe he fears contamination through too close a contact?.
Heterosexuality and homosexuality are not a separate nexus. Nature, and human sexuality in particular, does not work like that. There are the extremes in acted-out behaviour of the mentioned orientations but in between there are thousands of different nuances depending on the right time and the right place, i.e. the circumstance and the beer intake. Further proof abounds in men-only situations like long periods at sea, prisons and other earthly (and supposedly holy) institutions. So that puts that to rest. Who knows, maybe one or all of the attacking group mentioned above have also been, at some time in their track-record, been known to Man. And they do their damnedest to overcome their guilt (but he enjoyed it unfortunately, and this stay with him) and their confusion. He played with fire once and he has paid for it ever since. How to exculpate himself? The ever faithful, ever handy scapegoat, that is how!
So, that is Mr.Macho Alpha Male sorted!
I am accused of being sexually immature - sounds rather nice, does it not? Quite mild and reasonable. Or worse, I do not contribute (to the population, which is off the mark in any case). Well, I would hazard a guess that in Malta at least, most coupling is not done with the intended purpose to procreate. So in this sense, homosexual and heterosexual couplings - that is, getting down and dirty under the sheets or without in August - are not much different from each other, are they now?!
So you see Michael Conti. Thanks but no thanks. I am in no particular hurry to be 'one' of them. Or of anybody. I am me and I am happy, mature or not.**
Of course not all men are Alphas. Most seem to conform somehow. If I told THEM that monogamy is not a fact of life but an aspiration, they may or may not understand what I am about,
or choose not to. They aspire to reward (or non-punishment at any rate). I was speaking to a Muslim friend only today and he said eternity in the arms of his beloved. What if the beloved (his wife here on earth I presume he meant) did not want to be with you? I asked. He could not answer. Possibly because he is unfaithful to his wife at every turn in spite of declaring eternal embrace. I would have thought that bliss in heaven would have nothing to do with the mundane bliss we experience here on earth, but there you are! RCism does not aspire much to the heavenly abode but concentrates more on the means to avoid hell-file. Although one would be forgiven for thinking otherwise when witnessing the death rituals, particularly in Malta. Fascinating stuff!.
**Most everywhere, and in a small community like Malta, a young gay man's lot is not a happy one. What to do? With a little bit of juvenile bravado I did what a young juvenile is supposed to do - I explored what I was about. The repression continued and eventually, I HAD to educate myself about me and the Human Condition, that includes the Pietrus, Gakbus, etc. mentioned above. I ended up more knowledgeable than they poor lambs in order to survive a life they take for granted. Thank god I held out long enough not to give in to the pressure to act 'straight' and get married like many still do in dear old Malta.
Francis Sammut
Jan 12th, 12:58
Very well written. We still need to open our eyes and mind. But most of all we need to open our hearts!