The Old Bores’ almanac
Yes it’s that time of year again. The time when Sylvanus goes all clairvoyant on you. The time when I – confidently – predict just what’s going to happen here in Malta during the following 12 months. Here they are my predictions for 2012. January As...
Yes it’s that time of year again. The time when Sylvanus goes all clairvoyant on you. The time when I – confidently – predict just what’s going to happen here in Malta during the following 12 months. Here they are my predictions for 2012.
January
As staff cuts at Air Malta bite even deeper, reducing staffing levels to just double figures, all new pilots recruited must now not only be capable of flying an airliner; they must also be able to serve passengers with in-flight meals and perform the emergency safety drill.
Robert Arrigo denies categorically that next Sunday’s 3-1 victory for Sliema over Floriana is proof positive of an endemic corruption culture in local football.
Gozo Channel issue a – none too convincing – rebuttal of the claim that they have a fully-crewed ferry on permanent standby, for the exclusive use of the chairman of the company and his family.
Trends, another all-new ‘lifestyle’ magazine, aimed at the 30-somethings, is launched… free with your daily newspaper.
February
Feb. 1: The first-ever crematorium to be built in Malta, opens in Paceville.
Feb. 2: Firefighters are called to a huge blaze in Paceville, where Malta’s first-ever crematorium burns to the ground.
In the wake of the government’s call for people to nominate themselves for government boards, the usual suspects push themselves forward: contributors to party funds, party hacks and hangers-on, old school and law school friends, generous businessmen, ministers’ canvassers and other sycophants. Godfrey Grima enrols – belatedly – in one of Joe (Peppi) Azzopardi’s courses in: How to appear on TV and manage not to make a total pillock of yourself. Saviour Balzan actually says something nice in his newspaper about Lawrence Gonzi.
March
In a gesture of sincere gratitude for Malta’s humanitarian role in the Libyan conflict, the Libyan transitional government grants Malta the sole right to drill for oil in hitherto disputed waters. On just one condition: that if any oil is found… it belongs to them – not us.
Having completed the total overhaul of our public transport system, Messrs Gatt and Delia now turn their attention to Air Malta. The direct Air Malta flight to and from London’s Heathrow will henceforth fly from MIA to Heathrow… via Cairo, Abu Dhabi, Mumbai, Singapore, Los Angeles, Barbados and Torremolinos.
The Ministry of Health announces that it is to build a new and extensive psychiatric hospital to cater exclusively for all those thousands of hunters who have suffered psychiatric problems as a result of the government curtailing their activities.
Tomorrow, yet another all-new ‘lifestyle’ magazine, aimed at the 30-somethings, is launched… free with your daily newspaper.
April
The source of the vile gaseous stench emanating from the vicinity of Hexagon House, is finally traced to – who else but – Arriva. Apparently someone has decided that the stink is caused by the emission of noxious exhaust fumes from its new buses.
At the annual radio and TV awards, the award for the best comedy double act on TV goes to the hilarious Grima brothers.
In Premier League football, Valletta, comprising eight compulsory ETC nominees (three plasterers, two beach attendants, a truck driver, an electrician and a waiter) just pip Hibs, made up of nine ETC nominees (four mini-bus drivers, two stone-cutters, a plumber, a barman and a male stripper) to the 2012 Premier League title.
The Times states that an atheist claims he does not believe in the existence of Lou Bondì.
May
Franco Debono leaves the PN and joins the PL. At the same time, Cyrus Engerer leaves the PL and rejoins the PN. A spokesman for the PN states: “We’re not sure which is the most damaging for the party.”
In yet another attempt to give consumers the bus service it had before Arriva came on the scene, the company has begun organising courses for its drivers in customer verbal abuse.
This year’s Malta entry in the Eurovision Song Contest is a tuneless dirge sung by a tone-deaf, quadriplegic transvestite... with a chronic speech impediment. Malta wins for the first time.
Would you believe it? Yes, yet another all-new ‘lifestyle’ magazine, Class, aimed at the 30-somethings, is launched… free with your daily newspaper.
June
As the tourist season builds, as usual the government begins several major roadworks.
The Transport Ministry categorically denies that henceforth, all vehicles imported into Malta will have no indicators on them... since nobody here uses them.
Arriva announces a brand new service: as from the first of July, Arriva drivers will tour Malta in hearses, picking up the corpses of commuters who have expired at bus stops from starvation, boredom or even old age, while waiting for a bus they can get on.
KMB publishes his memoirs, entitled Muammar and Me.
July
July 1: The board of censors is abolished.
July 2: Unifaun announce that Stitching is finally to be produced in Malta.
July 3: The board of censors is reconvened.
July 4: Stitching is banned... again.
In a concerted effort to control the attendance of underage children at exotic teen parties, attendees will no longer be permitted to wear pampers or use comforters at these events.
Josette Bickle is appointed to the post of director of prisons: well they might as well make it official.
Yep, you guessed it; another all-new ‘lifestyle’ magazine, Gloss, aimed at the 30-somethings, is launched… free with your daily newspaper.
August
In the wake of the world recession, the government decides to rent out San Anton Palace to the highest bidder.
It’s advertised as: A prestige property in a greenish area; suitable as an ambassadorial residence or a wedding hall. Only serious enquiries... no Arabs, no blacks.
Joseph Muscat denies (albeit grudgingly) that if his party were to be elected to power, the prospect of ‘Dracula’ becoming a minister would make Lorry Sant look like Mary Poppins.
In another desperate attempt to curry favour with disenchanted commuters, Arriva decides to paint all its buses bright yellow... just like the old ones.
September
The MFA, in a desperate attempt to quash rumours and stop drug addicts queuing up outside the stadium at Ta’ Qali, issues a statement denying categorically that the best quality coke on the island is available from there.
A new ‘gentlemen’s’ club for teens and pre-teens opens in Paceville, where – instead of Ukranian pole and lap dancers – girls from Sacred Heart will entertain the boys. And believe me, these babes will make the Ukranians look like closeted nuns.
In a minor playground spat... two boys are severely reprimanded by their head. They are Lou Bondì, Form 4B for thumbing his nose at John Dalli, Form 4A, who in turn is scolded for giving Bondì the finger in reply.
Oh no, I don’t believe it. You’d better, because yet another all-new ‘lifestyle’ magazine, Prime, aimed at the 30-somethings, is launched… free with your daily newspaper.
October
In a major court case, a senior VAT official is found guilty of mega-corruption – which has cost the VAT department in excess of €7 million. As a severe punishment and warning, he’s given a slap on the wrist and told not to do it again.
In a much-awaited Premier League clash at Ta’ Qali, Valletta defeat Sliema by €3,000 to €2,200... ahem.
The Ministry of Finance admits – to nobody’s surprise – that not one single person has participated in the City Gate project funding scheme.
A lady from Marsascala, who set off for work in Valletta in an Arriva bus in June... finally gets there... hooray!
November
Austin and Emmanuel now turn their gaze on reorganising the Gozo Channel Company: from now on, the ‘direct’ ferry service between Mġarr and Ċirkewwa will reach its destination via, Tripoli, Tunis, Pantalleria, Syracuse and Valletta.
In an obvious electioneering budget – to appeal to an ageing population, the Minister of Finance announces cuts in the price of Viagra, hearing aids and incontinence briefettes.
As the new law legalising same-sex unions comes into being, a pig farmer from Qormi applies for a union with his prize boar.
He argues that since both he and the pig are of the same sex – the union falls within the remit of the new law.
In the interests of public hygiene, the government decides to ban dogs from all public areas... streets, beaches, sea, cars and even private homes.
December
Dec. 1: Arriva finally and irrevocably pulls out of Malta.
Dec. 2: All the old buses (and all the old bus drivers) operating the schedule that existed before July 2011... replace Arriva.
Everybody (except Messrs Gatt and Delia) are delighted.
The leader of the opposition Joseph Muscat actually comes up with an article of workable policy: now that is news!
In this year’s L-Istrina, it is decided that any money collected will not go to the CCF or any other charity.
Instead, every cent collected will go towards buying white goods for all those people who used to phone in a phantom pledge.
Us: described as Malta’s ultimate ‘lifestyle’ magazine, aimed at the 30-somethings, is launched… free with your daily newspaper.
And finally: A very happy new year to both my readers.