’Tis the season to lose lolly…

“Are you awake?”

“Course I’m awake. How can anyone sleep with you sighing and groaning loudly beside me? Gimme a break woman.”

“Do you know what day it is today?”

“Of course I know what day it is today, it’s Christmas… isn’t it?”

“I put your present under the Christmas tree.”

“Fine, thanks. Now do you mind giving the old vocal cords a rest while I try and grab another half hour’s kip!”

“It’s the big one wrapped in the gold paper.”

“Lovely. Is that the one that also has a label on it reading to me from you?”

“Yes, that’s the one.”

“Good. Then I’ll know which one to look for before I unwrap it.”

“The gold paper’s got little red-clad Santas all over it.”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“It’s the big parcel… with green ribbon.”

“Yeah, so you said.”

“It’s actually the biggest parcel there.”

“Oh right.”

“So you can’t miss it.”

“Thanks for telling me.”

“It’s on the right hand side, just below the one from your Aunt Lucy.”

“Ah.”

“Which is also in a sort of goldish wrapping paper. But not the same, and much smaller, of course.”

“Well it would be.”

“It looks like she’s given youthe usual bottle of Hommepong cologne for men. It’s that sizeanyway.”

“Yes probably. She doesn’t really do imagination… Aunt Lucy.”

“I counted and there are 15 parcels under the tree.”

“Fifteen eh.”

“I thought there ought to be 16… But no, just 15.”

“Why did you think there ought to be 16?”

“Oh nothing… no reason.”

“Right, fine… now can I try to get back to sleep… please?”

(Pause)

“You forgot, didn’t you?”

“Eh? Forgot what?”

“Forgot to get me a Christmas present.”

“I don’t believe this! You specifically said you did not want me to get you a Christmas gift this year. Did you not say that?”

“Well yes I did but –”

“But what? Go on tell me… but what?”

“But I didn’t expect you to get me nothing.”

“Well nothing’s what you asked for, so what’s the problem?”

“God! You are so unfeeling. Just because I may have said: Don’t get me anything for Christmas this year, it didn’t mean don’t get me anything.”

“What the hell did it mean then?”

“It meant… it meant don’t get me anything too expensive. I didn’t want you blowing loads and loads of money on a gift. Something small would have sufficed… something worth no more than… Oh I dunno – say four or fivehundred euros.”

“Four or five hundred… do you think I’m made of money? If I had got you anything I can assure you it wouldn’t have cost half… quarter that! I’ve never spent more than €25 on anybody’s present… let alone yours.”

“Oh thank you very much and a very merry Christmas to you too.”

“Oh for Krisake… here, here’s €25, get yourself something tomorrow… or whenever the shops open.”

“You can keep your measly €25. When will you men learn?… it’s not the money – and in your case that’s abundantly clear – it’s the thought that counts. And the thought that you don’t think enough of me… after 23 years of marriage… to get me anything… anything at all… for a Christmas present. Well frankly that hurts.”

“How badly?”

“Very, very badly.”

“Enough to want a divorce? We can now you know.”

“No, of course not.”

“Pity.”

“I’m just upset, that’sall… that you could be so thoughtless.”

“Oh please! Not the long suffering, hurt bit. Listen… you always say I never listen to you; but when I do listen… like when you said you didn’t want me to get you a Christmas gift… you freak out anyway.”

“I’m not freaking out…I’m just hurt at your utter thoughtlessness.”

“Well I dunno. Even when I do go to the trouble of getting you something, you tell me it’s trash.”

“Like when?”

“Like last year, when I bought you that bottle of perfume.”

“It was cheap rubbish and I wouldn’t be seen dead smelling of it.”

“It cost me €4… no less. I dunno why they call the shop ‘Tal-euro’, it never is.”

“Oh forget it, I don’t careanymore.”

“Oh good, so you won’t mind if I nip downstairs and open your gift to me. Ouch!”