It’s the jolliest of times. Well, at least it should be, because there’s nothing jolly in the struggle to park a very big turkey in a very small oven, in the swelling guilt because the kids didn’t like their presents too much (even if they were what they had originally asked for), and in the frustration of having to change yet another faulty set of fairy lights. And all while trying to shine a 32-tooth smile and uphold the beauty of Christmas traditions.

The thing is that there’s a very fine line between having a jolly time and making a pudding (in a bad way) of it. And the key is to survive the Christmas traditions.

That is easier said than done because Christmas bursts with traditions, from the cake and the log to gifts, Santa and the crib. There are hundreds of traditions – some which haven’t changed in a thousand years, and more recent ones which are no less demanding.

Here is our guide to surviving the more exhausting ones.

Resolutions
It’s time to crawl underneath the Christmas tree, curl up with paper and pen, and do some personal stock taking while planning the New! Improved Formula! version of you.

Sounds like a good plan, but it’s not, because by focusing on our imperfections and things we should have done last year, rather than what we really plan to do in the coming months, we’re only feeding and fattening our guilt.

How to survive resolutions
Making resolutions shouldn’t be seen as taking a negative stance. Rather, pat yourself on the back for whatever good you might have done in 2011 and don’t punish yourself with what could have been. Also, for 2012, stick to achievable, day to day targets. And accept the fact that you will never be biscuit-tin perfect.

The Christmas lunch
So you’ve chopped, fried and carved your way through two days in order to prepare the perfect Christmas lunch for family and friends, and yet they’re still grumbling about the sauce being too thin, the lack of a vegetarian option and how they can already feel their waistline expanding. And all against the soundtrack of the usual family arguments.

How to survive Christmas lunch
First of all, don’t leave everything till the last minute – Christmas lunch is the toughest catering task of the year, so you need to be a good scout. Also, make a list of how many people will be at the table, and how many of them are finicky eaters, vegetarians and children.

Also, it’s a good idea to, half way through the lunch, ask if everyone is having fun, in a voice that suggests that anyone who isn’t will be hauled off to the kitchen and tortured with some serious washing up.

The gifts
Time to get in the car, step on the gas and rush off to buy those nagging gifts for the more difficult recipients – those who have no vices, those who are so well off that they don’t need anything, and those who hate everything and everyone. Oh, and your girlfriend (yes, it’s only the men whose DNA includes a late-gift-buying gene).

How to survive gifts
Buy everyone a bottle of wine from some obscure region in the North Caucasus. Those who have no vices will give it to someone else and feel good about themselves for not having succumbed to worldly pleasures. Those who are well off will blame themselves for not knowing that there is a wine-producing region in the North Caucasus. And those who hate everything and everyone will still hate you.

As for your girlfriend, avoid the ‘housewifely’ gifts, the latest Call of Duty release (you just want it for yourself), and clothes (you’ll never get the size right).

Television
It has become a tradition for television stations to bring out their kitschiest titles, including Home Alone, Only Fools and Horses and some three-hour long ballet special. All members of the family will grumble about there being nothing on the telly, but will still argue about which channel to watch.

How to survive television
Don’t watch any television in the coming weeks.

The alcohol
Some of us seem to think that, like a car without fuel, Christmas without spirit, of the alcoholic kind, will not burst into action. Others who, during the rest of the year, are responsible drinkers, find it acceptable to up their intake – “It’s Christmas, and I’m having another,” they reason. Even granny will take out the precious crystal decanter from the drinks cabinet and pour you a stiff one.

How to survive alcohol
Drinking in excess is not a traditional, harmless Christmas indulgence. Drunk responsibly, alcohol adds some cheer to social occasions and gives a nice zing to the Christmas cake. But when caution is thrown to the wind, it can still have its sobering side – remember that the fact that it’s Christmas doesn’t give you immunity from the potentially deadly effects of alcohol.

The family
Christmas cards always show happy families gathered around the Christmas tree, fathers at peace with the in-laws, children in love with their gifts, grandfathers looking huggable in their Christmas jumpers, and mothers proud of it all.

The reality, however, is a long, camel ride away – fathers grumble at having to do the washing up, uncle Brian is telling the same old joke, and great aunt Silvia has, once again, drunk one too many and is dancing like a headless chicken – and the strange thing is that there’s no music.

How to survive family
You will not survive.