Sylvanus’ ultimate guide to dining out

This piece has been inspired by all those glossy food supplements that clutter up our local newspapers these days – and most of which are about as much use as a wine-list in a temperance hotel.

Vomit Bistro has already built up a loyal following among some of the area’s trendier bulimics

They are all obviously paid puffs inserted by restaurants desperate enough to believe that this sort of blatant hyperbole works. Anyway, I’ll keep the prescribed foodie mag format. So here is the Sylvanus list of places where not to eat:

1: Aardvark and Anchovy

Both trendy and traditional the A & A – as it is known to its many aficionados – is hugely popular among young and old. Set as it is on the picturesque Regional Road in Gżira, it is the ideal venue to sit and relax and watch the world (and the traffic) speed by.

The cutting-edge decor – bare breeze block walls and Formica topped tables – provides the perfect setting for a romantic night out and a unique dining experience.

Specialities include: Potage of anchovy with aardvark shavings, crispy aardvark steaks with anchovy butter – and their justly famous anchovy crème bruleé.

Open: For lunch and dinner daily.
Seating: Yes.
Price: €20 plus wine.
Cuisine: Disgusting!

2: The Tiananmen Kremlin

If you are searching for a unique experience and acute indigestion, the Tiananmen Kremlin is the place for you. Step into this popular dining spot and it is like stepping back into that romantic era before the Berlin Wall came down and Tiananmen Square was famous for something other than massacres.

Owner Boris Peng promises an eating experience you will never forget... however much you may want to.

Naturally the cuisine can be described as Russian/Chinese fusion. You know the sort of slop... birds nest soup served in a samovar and sweet and sour beetroot.

The Tiananmen Kremlin is just the place to bring your mother-in-law.

Open: For dinner Monday to Tuesday.
Seating: Occasionally.
Price: Cheap, but some may say not cheap enough.
Cuisine: Deprivation basic.

3: Vomit Bistro

If you’re looking for the ideal place for a bit of R & R (reflux and regurgitation), Vomit Bistro is the place for you. Set as it is right in the heart of romantic Birkirkara, surrounded by panoramic views of shop fronts and band clubs, in its short life span – two weeks – Vomit Bistro has already built up a loyal following among some of the area’s trendier bulimics.

Nominally a high-class pizzeria, Vomit Bistro also serves other mouth-watering delights such as greasy chips, overcooked pasta, and for vegetarians... a well-balanced dish comprising rice – and only rice.

Open: 24/7 – or when the owner has slept off his hangover.
Seating: If you insist... You can also enjoy the cuisine al fresco... but please mind the traffic.
Price: Bog standard pizzeria prices – unless you don’t want a VAT receipt, then it’s even cheaper.
Cuisine: How would you like your coronary?

4: The Botulismo Burger Bar

No, we haven’t forgotten the kids. The Botulismo caters specifically for kiddywinks. And... if the little darlings are good and eat up all their revolting, calorie-loaded, processed slop, they’ll be rewarded with a visit from our jolly animator Uncle Donald O’Donnell, who will sing them a song and perform a magic trick.

But if the little horrors are naughty and don’t eat up all their rubbish... er meal, or worse... puke it all up, then Uncle Blasty Nasty will be along with his merry ramrod to ram it down the little sods’ throats.

Open: Daily from midnight to 3 a.m.
Seating: Kiddy-commodes provided on request
Price: Of course; did you think they’d feed the brats for free?
Cuisine: Indeterminate offal in a bun.

5: El Gonorrhoea

Malta’s premier tapas bar, El Gonorrhoea is much more than this. Situated in the tranquil centre of picturesque Paceville, it is the ideal setting for a quiet evening out in sophisticated, nay chic, surroundings.

Your every culinary whim will be attended to by an attentive bevy of attendant waitresses, while your favourite heavy metal hits will ring out over our Dolby Sound system, with some of Malta’s top DJs in attendance.

The menu brilliantly fuses typical Maltese delights with traditional Spanish fare.

Try our timpana tapas andross fil-forn paella for a unique and startling ‘haute cuisine’ experience.

Open: When the bouncers arrive.
Seating: Depends how much you want to spend.
Price: An arm and a leg.
Cuisine: Andalucia/Maltese mish-mash.

Bon appetite!